Blog hiatus//Last post of 2009.

Yep, you guys read that right. Starting today, I'm officially on a blogging hiatus. Don't worry, it's not because I'm sick of it, or I'm attempting recovery or anything like that. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

For some unknown reason that I can't fathom, I can be going strong during a fast, losing quite happily, and then I post my progress to you all, and it's like someone has reached in and cruelly snatched all my willpower away - the desire to eat becomes too much, so I do. Then it turns into a massive fuck-up and I'm back where I started before the fast - disappointed, miserable and wondering what went wrong this time.

For example, last night, I posted my little internal conversation where I stated I wasn't going to eat. Guess what, I did. I'm still lighter this morning than I was the day before yesterday (I didn't weigh yesterday after all) but there's still that knowledge that I was most likely lighter yesterday and I messed it up, like I always do.

I'm sick of this being the way things happen, so I think this is going to be my last post in 2009. I've been blogging for 3 months and 3 days, and I haven't lost anywhere near how much I want to. That's all changing as of today.

How ironic is it that in order to devote myself more to Ana, I'm staying away from my own pro-Ana blog?

I got a Wii Fit for Christmas, and I used it today for the first time. I've already done 1hr 10mins on it, mostly aerobics with some balance work, and I want to do more later. My aim is to do at least an hour everyday along with a new tea fast (is there such thing?) until about mid-January. I'm not going to weigh again until January 16th, and that is the planned date of my next post.

I'm currently 128.0, I want to be a minimum of 119.0 by January 16th. 9lbs in 19 days? I can do that.

I hope everyone has a fantastic New Year, I will continue to read blogs I'm following and I'll read every single comment that gets posted on any of my posts. All you wonderful skinnies out there, remember that I love you, that I couldn't do this without you, and that your support means the world to me♥

Think thin everyone!
xoxo.

Are you hungry?
No.
Then why are you even contemplating it?
Because I really want noodles, dammit.
How many calories?
176.
Which would make your total for today...?
240. That's not too high is it?
You tell me.
No it's not.
Alright then. Go and make yourself the noodles.
I don't want to.
Oh, why not?
Because I'll be disappointed in myself, and I might not be able to stop after noodles.
But you said it would be OK, the last binge has been and gone.
I always say that. I need to stick to it this time.
Well make the noodles but control yourself afterwards.
No.
What now?
I'm tired of failing, of fucking up. I'm sick of being fat.
Don't eat then.
I'm not going to.
Good. If you walk into that kitchen, you either come out with nothing or a cup of tea (32).
I'll stay here thanks. Nothing sounds perfect.

There's nothing inside her.

Over the course of the past two days, I have consumed 128 calories all in the form of tea. I honestly never realised how much I love tea. I feel like I could live off it - hey, that sounds like a good idea.

Unfortunately, my fast might be sabotaged later because my grandma saved me some mince and dumplings from dinner that I didn't have. My mam's expecting me to eat it at some point today and in short, I'm panicking. I don't know how I can avoid it. The best idea I have at the minute is flushing the mince down the toilet and somehow putting the dumpling in the bin. Hmm, I'll have to work on it.

I woke up yesterday at another despicable weight, but then I weighed again before I went to bed and I'd lost 1.6lbs. WTF. I'm not complaining or anything, but how did that happen? Anyway, I haven't weighed today yet, so I'm going to do it just before bed and see if I've lost much more. If I haven't, I might cry.

Oh, I also came very close to cutting again last night - I even got the scissors and put them to my skin - but just before I started I stopped myself. No need to give me even more reason to hate what I look like, so I'm officially stopping. No more. It does not and will not help me.

I hope everyone's Christmases were fantastic and that Santa got you everything you wanted, lol. He seems to have given me a great big helping of willpower that arrived yesterday morning, and how rude of me would it be to not use it?

118 by the 31st. Stick to the fast and you can do it Laura.

Stay strong girls,
xoxo.

Rest in pieces.

Lillie: Yes, the offer for a texting partner is still open - the more the merrier! I guess you and Rachel can share! No worries, there is certainly enough of me to go around unfortunately :(

And to all the lovely skinnies who commented my last post, thank you for doing so and I hope you all achieve your own resolutions in the year to come :)

--

Well, yesterday morning I was 125.8, and I should have known less than 500 was a long shot on today of all days. Yes, food-wise, today was terrible. But I can't and won't let that deter me - I'll check the damage tomorrow morning, get depressed, WILL NOT CUT, and then start on the way to the whole new me. It will be like today never even happened (food-wise only, of course).

And the really irritating thing? It wasn't even the dinner that got me, it was the stupid little snacks during the day that made the calories all add up. For dinner, all I had was:

- 1 slice of turkey,
- Tiny bit of ham,
- 1 stalk of broccoli,
- 1 roast potato,
- 1/2 a yorkshire pudding.

Which, for a Christmas dinner, is a rather miniscule amount (in my opinion anyway). But then sweets, chocolates, crisps...BAD BAD BAD. It's all over - Ana gave me the day off today but it's back to work first thing tomorrow.

The last binge of 2009 occurred on the 25th December. 2010 will be binge-free, and I will bury the pounds along with this past year.

May they rest in pieces.

2010

My New Year's Resolutions are as follows:

1. Get down to 120 at least by mid-January.
2. Once down under 120, do not raise above it again.
3. Drink more water!
4. No more binging.
5. No more purging.
6. STOP CUTTING.
7. Restrict to 1000 cals a day max when not fasting.
8. Try to fast as often as you can.

Who's with me?
xoxo.

Optimism, how I love you so.

Last night was bad. Very, very bad. B-A-D. I can't even bear to put this morning's weight because I'm so ashamed. I will get back on track though, and I will make those pounds DISAPPEAR.

Liquid fast today and tomorrow, and because my mam forgot to buy Slim-A-Soup - or even Cup-A-Soup - that means I'm officially living off cups of tea for at least the next 36 hours. That takes me up to midnight on Christmas Eve, then I follow my plan for Christmas Day - less than 500, you can do it! - then fastfastFAST until New Year's.

You know that feeling when starving suddenly feels like the easiest thing in the world? I have that feeling right now, and I'm going to make good use of it!

(Wow, I'm not usually this optimistic. Must be the festive cheer finally catching me up!)

When I go back to school, I want the general reaction to be, 'Wow, you've lost so much weight!'

The worried glances, the horrified stares, the whispers behind the hands. I want it all, because that means I'm doing this right, and I'm doing it well.

I think the next time I'll be seeing my friends will be in 2010 - wow, that sounds weird - and it will be a whole new me. While everyone else is complaining that they think they've put on weight over the holidays, I will sit there and smile secretly that while they've been gaining, I've been losing. And it will be fantastic, and wonderful and the knowledge will be so wonderously sweet that I won't miss all the chocolates and sweets I passed up to get there.

Because I will be lighter.
Prettier.

Thinner.

xoxo.

Dear Anonymous,

I'll have you know I had no fucking idea that there were even rumours of Brittany having an eating disorder, so to come onto my blog and accuse me of exploiting that is completely out of order. I actually don't know much about the woman, and I've only seen her in one or two films, when she looked perfectly healthy. And I'll also have you know that that's all it is, a rumour. There hasn't been a confirmation that there was even anything mentally wrong with her, so at least make sure what you're accusing me of doing has a shred of definite truth which, at the minute, it doesn't.

Yeah, maybe starving myself to a quick death would be the best. After all, how dare I prolong my existence when it offends people like you so? How very selfish of me. I apologise for the great personal wrong I have done you. After all, you clearly understand everything I'm going through one hundred percent and therefore that simply must give you the right to judge me, someone you don't even know.

Yes, I'm psychotic. Clearly. Obviously you're very knowledgeable on the subject of psychosis, and are well aware of the fact that eating disorders are not generally classed as a form of psychosis, as this usually involves hallucinations and delusions, none of which I have experienced.

'But surely you're deluded because you think you weigh too much!'

Erm, no. I know that I weigh a healthy, normal amount. Unfortunately, weighing a healthy, normal amount makes me deeply unhappy, which is a part of this illness. Oh, I'm not deluded in that sense either; I acknowledge this as an illness. I'm so very sorry for killing your argument, how terrible of me. Feel free to add that to my list of offences.

I'm thoughtless too, got it in one. Although I'm slightly confused, kindly explain to me how you know this without ever having had a conversation with me? You don't know me, you don't know that my friends and family are a very important part of my life that I couldn't live without, that I love them with all my heart and I would never hurt any of them. I know, that makes me the bitch you claim I am, how could I not see?

Next time you think you have the audacity to post such a hurtful comment on my blog, get your facts right before posting it. That'll save me devoting an entire post just to you. I bet you feel special.

R.I.P

127.6 this morning. I've had two cups of tea with sugar (64) and I might have another later, so my total would be 96. My mam will not get to me today, I refuse to let her. If I manage to lose another 2lbs overnight, I'll be surprised and ecstatic.

Also, R.I.P Brittany Murphy - she's my thinspo for today out of respect. She wasn't as thin as I'd like to be, but she was thinner than I am now, so what the hell.

Think thin!

xoxo.

Please excuse profanity.

SHIT. Nononononononono, UNDO. Rewind!

Damn my mother for noticing, for making me eat. Oh god, I don't even know the exact amount of calories...shit! I know it's about the 1000 mark, but shit that's bad! Fuck weighing next Thursday, I'm weighing now, just before bed, tomorrow morning and next Thursday.

SHIT.

And bloody hell Andrew, STOP TEXTING ME AT THE WORST TIMES.

And where the hell have those scissors gone?!

Edit: I weigh 127.2. FML.

Good & Bad

I don't know how I managed to do it, but I got the calorie amount wrong for the tea with sugar last night. I ended up having three cups instead of two because I was craving pizza so bad and I needed a distraction to stop me shoving one in the oven. It worked! I didn't have any pizza - HA. So proud of myself.

Anyway, turns out it's 32 cals for one cup, not two, and I only noticed this after my last cup, so my total count for yesterday sky-rocketed from 86 to 150. Just. Like. That. I was so mad at myself - I screwed up with calorie counting, how?! I'm in top set for maths, I get the highest marks possible in basically every maths test I do, so how I managed to screw up a simple calculation like that is beyond me.

Thank god it didn't do any damage though - I was 126.0 this morning! That's down two pounds since yesterday, which, y'know, isn't as good as I'd like (but then, my ideal overnight weight loss would be the remaining thirty-one pounds I have to lose...) but at least it's progress! This morning will be the last time I weigh before next Thursday, and then I'll post whatever I am then as my official Christmas weight, unless I somehow manage to sneakily weigh myself on Christmas morning before the present-opening chaos ensues. We'll see.

Much to my annoyance, I've had to make some changes to my Christmas lunch plan. My mam and grandma basically teamed up against me and said that me making the low-cal chocolate angel cake would be too much fuss and then - horror of all horrors - my grandma offered to make me a normal spongecake and custard instead. Holy crap no! - I wouldn't have any idea of the calories I'd be consuming, I'd be so out of control, and I can't handle that. I protested my case but they were pretty adamant that I'd not be making that cake - I'm also hoping my grandma won't make that cake because that would be bad. Plus my mam said she wouldn't bother getting low-fat cocoa anyway, so I'd have had to make do with regular cocoa if I did make it. Damn, why must they make this so hard for me?

I suppose making those changes could be good though - if I'm not forced to eat a god-only-knows-how-many-calories-are-in-this cake with custard, by cutting out the angel cake all day, my total intake would be reduced by 106, and that is good. That would mean if I follow what I was originally planning (minus the cake), my total intake on Christmas Day would be less than 500. I like the sound of that a lot, especially because the people all around me would most likely be exceeding that by hundreds, maybe thousands if they're anything like the people who eat 6000 cals on the day - seriously, how?

OK, the plan for today:

- 1 Cup-A-Soup (76), because that was the last Slim-A-Soup yesterday, damn.
- 1 cup of tea w/ sugar (32)
Total: 108

Now, I know I'll be having more than 108 (I don't want to, that's such a tiny number. I can't wait until I weigh that...) because my mam said earlier we'd be having snowballs tonight (the drink, lol), and I have no idea whatsoever about the number of calories in one. Anyone have an average number for me??

Also, does anyone know the website where you put in: your weight, height, daily calorie intake & exercise level, and it tells you how much weight you can lose every week in a table? I read it in someone's blog but can't remember whose, and I've spent about the last hour trying to find it again. Any help appreciated!

And, it's snowing outside. I love snow - it makes me think of Wintergirls. I might read that again, it was excellent thinspo.

Stay strong!
xoxo.

ARGH.

I lost the maths compass, so I grabbed a pair of scissors I was using to wrap presents, and away I went. The skin over my hip bones was killing me all through the next day, and it actually felt good. God I'm sick.

Anyway. It's that family Christmas party tonight, and I'm not going. I went through about a dozen outfits, found something wrong with how I looked in all of them, stormed downstairs in a very bad mood and announced to my mam that I'm not going. She didn't even react for about five minutes, she just plain ignored me. This further pissed me off.

She needs to get out of the house so I can break something. Something small because I get really bad guilt, but just something. Last time I felt like this I hurled coloured pencils and my tin of lip moisturiser at my bedroom wall - that didn't do the trick so I made a pile of soft clothing and chucked my phone into it full force (the soft clothing because I can't bear to break my phone). Still didn't feel better, so I repeated all of the above several times and screamed into a pillow.

That was nearly three weeks ago now, and that damned feeling is back. And Andrew has just this second text me. He's lovely and I enjoy talking to him and everything, but NOT NOW. I'm going to ignore him, so that means he'll probably text again in an hour or two. Well I'm sorry but I'm turning my phone off for the night because I'm just plain old not in the mood. Rachel, if you tried to text me and are reading this, that's why I haven't replied lol.

OK, liquid fast starting today. I haven't had anything so far and I plan on having:

- 1 cup Slim-A-Soup (54)
- 2 cups of tea w/ sugar (32)
Total: 86

There. That should keep me happy. And if it doesn't, fuck it, I'm not having anything else whether I like it or not. Who knows though, with the mood I'm in right now I might not have any of that, I am that angry.

Think thin girls (or guys)!
xoxo.

Maybe...

Thanks to new followers and the three wonderful skinnies who commented on my letter to Mia:

SBB: I know right? I hate her! Yes, as of now, I'm officially giving Mia the cold shoulder! :D

Aimee: Yeah, me and Ana are going to be inseperable from now on - Mia can go find someone else to bother :)

Thinvincible: No problem girl, any time you need any help or just someone to talk to, I'm here! Oh no, trust me, Mia is not nice to have around. She is one hell of a bitch, be thankful you don't have to deal with her, lol! :D

--

691 calories.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?! ARGHHHHH.

I currently weigh 127.2 lbs. I was 127.0 this morning so thankfully damage wasn't as bad as I thought. PHEW.

On the topic of Andrew, he text me about two hours ago asking if I was feeling better today. I ignored this because I'm really not but I feel like I'm letting him down by being so depressed. He text me again about a quarter of an hour ago asking if I was OK with a little worried face. I have my reply typed out and everything - 'Don't worry, I haven't killed myself or anything x'. I'm at least halfway happy with that - short, simple, and not exactly a lie. I needn't tell him I'm currently on the verge of killing myself. Who knows, it might freak him out just a little.

Oh, there we go. Suicide ideation. I was wondering when that one would come along. And as of last night, I think I have pseudologia fantastica (compulsive lying disorder). Well, it's not so much that I think I have it, it's that it describes rather accurately a lot of my behaviour as of late so it wouldn't surprise me if I did have it.

Or who knows? Maybe this is all just my eating disorder talking. As in, my lying was never a problem until Ana came along. Or maybe it was simply an underlying condition that I only thought was never an issue, and Ana was the trigger that made it spiral out of control...

Or, fuck all of that. I'm a hypochondriac. Simple.

Anyway, I'm in a very jittery mood, like I don't know what to do with myself. I feel energetic but when I stand up I feel faint, so that's not very helpful.

I need a knife, I need to cut. But I can't go get one without my mam being down my throat, and honestly, how the hell would I explain that? But sadly, the brooch isn't working as well anymore...I need to find something sharper. I have a maths compass I could try...

Yes. Maths compass. I need that rush back.

Stay strong my wonderful skinny readers!
xoxo.

Tomorrow is a new day.

You'll probably have noticed I put the content warning on. I can tell my posts are getting darker, more explicit, and so I thought it best to put it on.

I'd just like to point out now that;

THE FOLLOWING IS NOT INTENDED TO OFFEND, MOCK OR OTHERWISE INSULT PEOPLE SUFFERING FROM AND/OR LIVING WITH BULIMIA. THIS IS PURELY DESCRIBING MY OWN EXPERIENCE WITH THIS PARTICULAR EATING DISORDER AND HOW I WISH TO ERASE IT FROM MY LIFE.

--

Dear Mia,

I'm going to be one hundred percent honest with you. I don't like you. I never have, I never will. You're like the friend I can't get rid of. You know the one, she's clingy and she follows you everywhere - she barely lets you breathe because she's like your fucking shadow. Yeah, that's you Mia.

That. Is. You.

I want very much for you to go away. To just crawl into a corner somewhere and leave me alone. Leave me alone with Ana. Ana's nicer than you. She can make me feel good about myself because when I'm with her I know I haven't failed; I've been strong and said no. She points out the bones that protrude more than yesterday and she claps when the numbers on the scale go down. When I'm with you, it means I've failed, messed up - and you're there to remind me while I try and set things right again, get back on the right track.

That's all you are - a way for me to try and turn things around after it's already gone wrong. You remind me of all the things I shouldn't have done and I hate you for that. You're like the "cure", except you don't make anyone better. Ana is the prevention, and prevention is always better than cure.

There are more things I hate about you too. You taunt and goad after I've eaten a 'normal' amount until I can't bear it any more and I run upstairs to make it better. You make me feel guilt so strong that my knuckles turn white when I resort to shoving my toothbrush down my throat to get that empty feeling back. And what pisses me off the most? You don't even hold my hair back while I'm doing it.

No, not even a simple favour like that. Instead you watch me suffer, elated that I spent the day with you and not Ana. You don't like her, do you?

Well I don't care what you like. You can go ahead and keep other people company, the people who don't mind that you're there, or maybe who even want you there. But not me. You can stay away from me from now on. I'm done.

I'm sticking with Ana from now on.

Ana understands.
Ana cares.
Ana helps.


Laura.

Always gonna be another mountain.

SBB: Thank you so much for the supportive advice! When I was texting 'Andrew' last night, I "jokingly" (ha) asked him if he would stop talking to me if I was mad, and thank god he said no. He said that wouldn't be fair - but I didn't really doubt him in the first place; he's such a nice person, and he seems to care about me. I mean, he thinks I'm depressed and stuff and he constantly asks what's wrong. I never tell him, but it's nice to know that someone has noticed and is trying to help. Other guys I've met in the past wouldn't do that :)

I'm feeling better today. Woke up back down to 126.8 so I'm happy about that.

OK, so far today I've had:

2 Oreos (104)
1/2 a tin of tomato soup (122)
1 cup of tea with 2 sugars (32)

and I plan on having either a plate of noodles later (176), or the rest of the soup (122). Probably the noodles though, because I'm craving them so bad.

That brings today's total to either 380 or 434. Less than yesterday either way. Good :)

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

I am anything but jolly this Christmas.

'Chin up, it's Christmas soon!'
Yes, 'tis the season to be fucking jolly.

Woke up this morning at 128.6 after a particularly bad weekend. Depression. Self-loathing. Same old, same old. If I wasn't so miserable, I'd try and stop the repetition.

470 calories today - I ate so I'm not happy, but it's under 500 so I can live with it.

On a different topic, there's this boy I've been talking to a lot over the past couple of months. For sake of privacy/safety, I'll call him Andrew instead of his real name. Anyway, I get the feeling that he likes me, but I've never been good with being able to tell that kind of thing, so I'm probably wrong. This is going to sound weird, but I've only ever seen him in person once when he came with me and some friends to the cinema recently; I met him on Facebook and I text him almost everyday now (he's not a creep or some guy lying about his age or anything weird like that).

At the minute, we're strictly friends, nothing has happened between us or anything. I don't even know if I feel that way about him. But it's scary how much I've opened up to him - I've told him things nobody else knows about, so much so that he can tell there's something wrong with me. Friday night he chose just the best moment to text me (note sarcasm), when I was in the middle of purging the horrible amount of calories I'd just had. I came so close to telling him everything - about Ana, about my self-injury, about my brushes with Mia, just absolutely everything because I'm scared that if I keep bottling it up like I have been, I'm going to break.

But at the same time, I couldn't tell him a single thing. And I damn well knew it.

I managed to convince him that it was just a low point and that he shouldn't worry, but tonight I ended up telling him that I'm good at hiding things, and that I'm a brilliant liar when I need to be. I need to stop dropping so many hints. I have to. If he finds out about all the things that are wrong with me, he'll try and fix me, try and put me right. He's just that kind of person. I can't let that happen, he can't take Ana, can't take my comfort or my control.

I won't let him.

Post binge.

I went without eating from Sunday through to about half four last night. Oh my god, last night was so awful. I ate an absolutely disgusting amount, so bad I can't even bear to put the exact number on here, but I'll say this: it was under the daily recommended intake, but only just. Yep, I told you it was bad. Anyway, my weight as of last night is as follows:

Pre-binge: 124.6lbs.
Post-binge/pre-purge: 127.0lbs.
Post-purge: 126.0lbs.
This morning: 124.8lbs.

I feel like my post-purge weight wasn't enough, that purging all the crap I ate didn't do enough. I mean, there was still a 1.4lb gain afterwards. I know I shouldn't get so worked up about it since there's only been a 0.2lb gain even after last night, but still.

There's absolutely no way in hell now that I'm going to be 120 by tomorrow night, it's just not going to happen. I've also decided that any weight below 120 for Christmas is fine by me - although I would like it to be as low as possible. GW2 has been achieved, that is my motivation. I'm sticking by the rules again, I will use thinspo to remind myself of why I'm doing this.

I took more pictures last night post-purge, but I'll only post one as some reverse thinspo for you all, before posting some proper thinspo. Please ignore the fact that I'm standing on my toilet, it was just so that I could take a decent photo as the mirror I used last time was sadly unavailable.

My calves. My thighs. I make myself sick. I will be thinner.
I will.

Thinking thin,
xoxo.

A myriad of feelings.

Quick post because I'm annoyed. Well, mostly annoyed. Several things are responsible for my mood right now:

1. I'm irritated because I caved and weighed again tonight (after drinking quite a bit of sugarfree, calorie-free diet coke, I will admit).
2. I'm happy because I'm down to 126.0! One lb until GW2 is achieved, and six to lose before Sunday (yes, that sounds very likely Laura. Well done for being so weak at the weekend).
3. I'm furious with myself for having 720 calories tonight - WTF?! However, I feel slightly better that it comes entirely from fruit juice and I still haven't eaten since Sunday - woo!
4. I'm pissed off at the scales my mam gave back to my grandma a while ago, because apparently they tell lies - they say you're 4.4lbs (2kg) heavier than you actually are! That means my HW is not 143.5 like I originally thought, but 139.1. That also means I've lost less than I thought :(

but I really love this one:

5. I'm ecstatic because GW2 is also the point at which I've lost a whole stone! That's 14lbs for those who don't understand how stones work :)

I'm in the process of working out how to avoid dinner tomorrow night - but thanks to my mam I know I'm going to have to have a 157cal drink from Starbucks when we go out. There's simply no avoiding it. But for the sake of my mental wellbeing (ha, that made me laugh), I'm not going to count a Mango & Passionfruit Frappuccino as food, although it's slightly solid because of the ice.

Or if I'm really lucky, I could say I feel sick again (I did this last night to avoid dinner), but that comes with a chance of suspicion. I'll have to see how everything goes.

I hope all you skinnies are staying strong! :)

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

The recovered is my trigger.

KEMPER: Since you asked for the recipe and the plans, you can find them here and here respectively. The reason there are different numbers beside almost every food item on the Christmas plan list is because obviously the amount of calories depends on how you cook it, how big the portion is, etc., so I just took an average amount for certain things from the Internet. Remember it is a guide, so the actual amount of calories you consume is pretty much a guess (although hopefully an accurate one).

Aimee: I know, 2000 a day makes me feel sick, never mind 6000! I don't know how people can manage to eat that much in one day, especially when there are so many people like us who probably eat less than that in a full week - sometimes even in a month (when taking fasting into account etc.). If you're interested in my Christmas plans, you can see above for download links. Thank you for the compliment on my picture, I know exactly what you mean - I just ignore it when people say I look "good" because I just remember they don't see what I see. I hope you're staying strong too!

Don't give up girls! x

--

OK, a recovered anorexic girl just came back to school in the past week. This is the same girl I mentioned in passing a few posts ago; the one that was friends with my current friends a few years ago when she first got sick (since then, we've both kind of made new friends, her old friends becoming my new friends etc. You get the picture). Anyway, for the past two and a half years or so, she's been fine as far as I know, but around June/July time, she relapsed and went back to the clinic, where she's been until about a week ago.

I feel so sickened with myself for even thinking this, never mind admitting it to you all, but the first thing I noticed when she came back was that she'd gained (well obviously, or she wouldn't be back). But aside from realising the obvious, I actually found myself preferring what she looked like before she went back to the clinic. I haven't actually voiced this aloud to anyone because if alarm bells aren't ringing already, they certainly would be then.

Another thing about this girl. In English today, one of my friends looked over at her and said to me, "Don't you feel sorry for her? I mean, don't you think it's really terrible and sad what's happened to her?". My reply was my honest opinion - I said no. I don't feel sorry for her, because I know that while anorexia has certainly brought me down to some of the lowest points in my entire life, there's still that part of me that welcomes it with open arms. It's part of who I am now, it helps me cope, and at the minute I think the end will justify the means.

I also don't think what's happened to her is 'sad and terrible'. I mean, yes, it's not exactly pleasant that she's gone through this - the self-loathing and the depression and whatnot - but I think it's wrong to say that someone with an ED is constantly unhappy. People seem to neglect the idea that we still feel happy, but we just get joy from different things, i.e. "normal" people get joy from eating, people with EDs get joy from finding their bones protrude a little more, so on and so forth.

Moving on to a slightly different topic (but still related): every morning I go up to my cousin's house to get the bus with her to school. She was part of the friendship group I left around January time, so already we didn't talk nearly as much as we used to. But since September-ish (when I started this blog, and my ED basically came in full-swing), we barely talk at all. Like today, I haven't spoken a word to her. Literally, not even hello. It sounds awful, but it's true all the same. At the bus stop, every so often she'd get a really aggravated look on her face, sigh and huff really loudly, and glance at me out of the corner of her eye. It might not even be me she's annoyed at, but even if it is, I don't care. This hit me this morning:

I do not care.

Before, I would be really bothered if she confronted me about us not talking anymore, but now I'm just not. Some of my lessons in school, I can tell my marks are slipping a bit, but I can't find it in me to be even slightly worried. My reasoning is that I have more important things on my mind; that is how important this ED is to me right now. Wow that sounds sick and twisted and wrong, but that is my main priority right now.

I almost hate to say it, but it's the truth: the recovered girl at school has acted as a huge trigger for me. Whenever I get a desire to eat, I think to myself, 'She wouldn't eat this. She didn't get that skinny by eating', and it's a lot easier to walk away from food. Speaking of which, I haven't eaten since Sunday! I last weighed last night and I was back down to 127.0 from 128.4, and I'm not going to weigh again until Saturday night/Sunday morning. Then it's the party Sunday night, so as of last night, I have to lose 7 lbs.

Thanks to this blog here and the latest post, I am following these rules on food to make sure I don't stray:

1. It has to be free.
2. It has to be offered.
3. I have to be hungry, i.e. on the verge of fainting.
4. I have to love it. (But as of about now, I hate any and all food. Ha.)

Wish me luck!

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Bones are beautiful; my drug of choice.

Post title taken from 'Starving for Attention' by Geri Karlstrom.

OK, I ate Wednesday night. Nothing Thursday, nothing Friday. Nothing until about midday today. My excuse is that I stood up and honestly thought I was going to faint; I started sweating (not a lot, but a light sheen of sweat on my forehead), my limbs were shaking like mad, and I actually couldn't see for about fifteen seconds. It was such a horrible feeling! I've never fainted before, and this is definitely the closest I've ever come. So, I felt I had to eat so that I didn't faint in front of my mam. That would have been beyond terrible.

I didn't count calories today, I would have gotten depressed and probably self harmed again. I'm actually trying to stop that, but sometimes it feels like that's all I can do. Anyway, despite eating a "normal" amount today, I weighed about 127lbs, so although I obviously gained, it wasn't all that much (thank god!). I'm not changing my CW to that because I'm going to see how much of it disappears overnight and then I'll change it to whatever I weigh in the morning. If it's higher than 127 tomorrow I'll cry, just like I did Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night. I totally lost it each of those nights and I just broke down over and over. But moving on to a happier topic!

I took a photo tonight (post-eating trauma) of me wearing my Mrs. Clause costume for the fancy dress party on the 13th, but before I add it to the post, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my texting partner Rachel (CreativeEatsYou) for supporting me and being a great person to talk to! She's so nice and it's such a relief to finally be able to talk freely about my ED with someone who understands. Anyway, here's the picture:

I also posted this on my Facebook, and the first person to comment was posting things like, "Wow, how skinny are you?!", "Your waist is tiny!" and, "Your legs are like twigs!". Umm, no. Just no. I do not believe any of those statements. I am not skinny. My waist is not tiny. My legs are monstrously large. I hope to have changed all of these things by Christmas. Here's hoping I'm down to 115 by then!

Oh, I asked my mam if I could make the 53cal-a-slice chocolate angel cake that Rachel posted on her blog for Christmas, and she said yes! My reasoning was that I never eat Christmas pudding (totally true, I think it's disgusting), and she was totally OK with it. I've worked out a plan for Christmas Day, and there are four variations to it according to what amount of certain foods I put on my plate. The highest calorie amount any of these variations reach is 725, which I think is a fantastic number for Christmas Day, considering the average amount for Christmas Day is around 6000 (6000?! What?!?!). The lowest amount is about 575, which is going to be my aim. If anyone would like a copy of either the cake recipe or my Christmas plans, please comment this post and I'll post download links to the documents in my next post :)

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.