Start of ABC.

Easter holidays fucked me over, gained a shit ton of weight. Currently 134.0lbs after restricting for a few days and losing ~5lbs. Disgusting. But according to one of my flatmates my height is actually 5"7 (apparently I've grown) so my BMI is lower than I thought.

I'm starting ABC today I've decided, so 500 calories for the first day. At the minute I'm on 392, I'll have two rice cakes later (96) which will take me up to 488.

Also I've been guzzling Diet Coke like it's going out of fashion because my local shop has an excellent deal on boxes of 10 cans so I've stocked up. Calorie free goodness.

I guess one of the reasons I've started to relapse again is that I still have body checking photos from my 2009 eating disorder era and there's one in particular that really triggered me, my hipbones especially. From looking through my blog around the date the photo was taken I've worked out what weight I was at the time and now all I want is to get back down there and further ASAP.

I'm going to start updating everyday again I think, if anyone is still out there I hope you enjoy reading.

x

Short update.

As you can see, I've removed the 'pro-ana' clause from my blog title, because that really is not what my blog is anymore, and I was stupid to have put that in the first place. The only reason I'm leaving 'Starve to be Perfect' as it is, is so anyone who's reading might remember who I am etc.

I'm triggered as fuck today. I've eaten too much and my flatmate has been ill so she hasn't really been eating today, and now I feel like a fat failure. Again.

I'm currently downloading the 30 Day Shred DVD for the days I can't make it to the gym, or if I don't want my flatmates to think I'm exercising too much.

x

No Man's Land

I don't know if anyone's here, or if anyone still cares to follow my blog since I haven't posted in like a year and a half, but I think I might start using this blog again.

Things are going crazy. Me and Andrew broke up a week ago, two weeks shy of our four year anniversary. I'm devastated but starting to realise it was probably the right thing, we haven't really been happy for a while now.

My weight is down. Now that my relationship is over, all I can think is that I can relapse without someone watching me like a hawk. My university flatmates have such varied schedules that I can go for days without eating a thing and they don't realise, and being away from home means I have weeks or even months at a time without my family seeing how much weight I've lost.

I keep thinking of things I can do. I don't have to eat if I don't want to. I could throw up and not be accountable to anyone (I felt accountable to Andrew if I did it before but right now we're not even speaking), not that I want bulimia to creep into my life. I'd rather just not eat. And when I reach goal weights I can reward myself with things he wouldn't have wanted me to have, like a new tattoo or microdermals.

All in all, I think I'm falling again. I'm just not sure whether I slipped or I jumped.