Tuesday, 29 September 2009


I. Am. Exhausted.

This is why I won't be doing any exercise tonight, other than some crunches and about 30 reps on my Leg Master; light work, I know, but honestly, my limbs are practically screaming in protest. I fear that if I join my mam during her exercises tonight, I will faint, she will catch on, and it will just be a huge mess. So for tonight, I'm gonna pass.

And - dun, dun, dun - I have managed to convince my mam I'm eating at least some of the things she's bought me. Already vanished are: about 3/4 of the pack of oreos, one muller yogurt, the whole spongecake, two bread buns and two KitKat chunkies. The KitKats aren't actually mine, but I've stolen them from my dear sibling in the past, so I thought I'd do it again to make my act more convincing. I'm not going to go into how I've achieved this, but it paid off, as my mother was successfully fooled. I'd just like to stress: I DID NOT EAT ANY OF IT. In case any of you doubted me, which I sincerely hope you didn't; I am stronger than that.

Oh, what a glorious feeling, having everyone fooled. I can now continue on with my fast to my current target of 14 days! If I'm feeling strong and capable even then, I'll probably continue. Once I do stop, whenever that may be, I'll probably have researched foods with negative calories so I can eat while still being faithful to ana. Of course, this is a show for anyone who starts raising eyebrows, because although I'll only be eating tiny amounts, it might get them off my back for a while. Good plan methinks. I might start researching neg cals tonight actually, 'cause I'm pretty bored right now.

Yayyyyy, the 4th day this time wasn't bad at all! Half of the spongecake actually went to a couple of my friends as part of their birthday presents, and I'm extremely proud to say I could watch them eat it at lunch without one traitorous thought. Instead, I sat and listened to another friend's iPod with her, happy as a clam.

And now, as I sit here blogging to you all, and I sip my citrus green tea with no calories, the road ahead no longer looks so dark and murky, as it did yesterday - damn mother's thoughtfulness - but instead looks smooth and manageable. The reward looks even sweeter than all the foods I've turned down in the past four days. Let this be your inspiration girls (or guys), for however long you need it to be.

Staying strong, thinking thin,

Monday, 28 September 2009

You have got to be kidding me

Quick note to the one girl who's commented a couple of my posts: I'm terribly sorry, but I can't understand what you're saying! If there is any way that maybe future comments could be in English, then maybe I could get back to you :)

Anyway, today was...good. About ten percent of my year of 200 people now know about me and L, but I honestly couldn't give a damn. Let them talk.

I'm really dreading tomorrow. Day 4 of the water/general fast is not good for me. Last time I reached this stage, it was the day I broke down and cried, over a single slice of pizza. ONE EFFING SLICE. And my mam went for the weekly shop today, and bought me all kinds of things I usually eat wayyyy more than I should, but now I daren't touch.

For example,

- Curry Pot Noodles - these are seriously a terrible weakness of mine,

- Muller Fruit Corners - the strawberry ones,

- Oreos - no words to describe how much I love oreos,

and, probably the worst thing she bought, because I don't know how I'm gonna avoid this one;

- A whole Victoria Spongecake.

For heaven's sake, it's even got the cream and jam I absolutely adore. I need serious help with this one guys, she's gonna know something's up if I don't eat that. The rest I might be able to get away with. Oh, just so you know, I don't usually get the spongecake or the fruit corners, they're like a treat. And she must have the worst timing in history to get me them now. Sometimes I wish she wasn't so darn nice.

Exercises a bit later, I think, when my mam's disappeared downstairs. And then obviously I'll be joining her when she does hers. And yay, she bought me the citrus green tea! And I'm totally over the moon, because while less than 3 calories was excellent yesterday, this new tea has ZERO CALORIES(!!!). I thought I'd died and gone to heaven when I saw. Plus, it tastes a hell of a lot nicer.

Anyone who can help me figure out a way, or ways, to avoid eating all the horrendous crap she's bought me would be greatly appreciated. I'm at a total loss. I am NOT giving up now; I completely, point blank refuse, to give up.

Thinking, thinking.

Staying strong, thinking thin,

Sunday, 27 September 2009

Buzz On

Oh, it's truly happy days today everyone. Despite the increased light-headedness, one or two moments where my vision went all bright and I couldn't see anything, and the throbbing headache I currently have, today has been one brilliant day.

First off, I didn't drink anymore of the green tea, so my calorie count for today remains just under 3. Although I did take a paracetamol for my headache - damn side effects - I don't think that counts, haha. I also avoided eating while both out and when I got home, telling two contradicting stories: "I'm gonna share a pizza with my mam when I get home," and, "Oh, I got a bag of chips while I was out, I'm not hungry". And so, I successfully avoided any and all food. I am so happy with myself right now.

But anyway, that's surprisingly not the main reason for my brilliant mood. Seriously, it should be a crime to be this happy. The reason is, today I went out with my best friend, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's best friend. Anyway, her boyfriend's best friend is sooooo undeniably lovely. We watched a scary film, and he put his arm around me, and he held my hand while we walked to where my mam was picking me up, and then we spent the next like, five/ten minutes kissing until my mam got there.

And ohhhhh, he's so NICE. In case of any future references, I'm gonna nickname him L. It's his initial, as you probably guessed, but for the sake of privacy, I won't say his real name. Also, my best friend - who later admitted she'd planned this - has since told me that he thinks I'm really lovely too. Obviously he knows nothing about my eating habits - or rather, non-eating habits - but maybe if we do end up in an official relationship, I'll tell him someday. Who knows.

Sorry that wasn't much of an ana post, but I just seriously needed to gush about how great this guy is. Speaking of ana actually, I told my mam I wanted to start exercising with her, and she took it really well. Unfortunately, she'd already done them by the time she picked me up tonight, so I'll probably start tomorrow. And she said she'd try and get me some of the nice green tea :)

Oh, I loveloveloved today ^__^

Staying strong, thinking thin,

No eat, more exercise

Oh boy. My legs are killing me. No doubt because I overworked them with my four workout routines yesterday. I think I'll lessen the leg work on any I do today and focus more on my flabby, horrible stomach.

Also, I've decided to swap my water fast for just a general fast, meaning I stray from food completely, but I'm allowing myself green tea as well as water. Speaking of which, I just burned my tongue. Damn.

Unfortunately, the green tea I have - Twinings Pure Classic Green Tea - is rather disgusting, so I'm thinking about asking my mam to start buying some flavoured stuff instead, like Lipton. I have no idea how I'm going to raise this without causing suspicion, but I hope I'll think of something.

I've also decided I'm going to ask my mam for help. When I get home tonight - I'm going out with some friends, Ana, give me strength to turn down all food - I'm going to ask my mam if I can join her during her exercises, as well as doing mine somewhat secretly of course. She started working out to this exercise video a couple of months ago, and she's now constantly gushing about how much weight she's losing. I'll post another update later on tonight, hopefully after the DVD exercise, to tell anyone reading how it went.

So, yes. That is my goal for today: no eat, more exercise. Current calorie count for today is less than 3. 275ml of the gross green tea, at 1 cal per 100ml. I hope to keep it down at less than 3, but if I cave and have more tea - hopefully not, it's truly vile - then it'll probably go up to about 5 or 6.

But hey, that's still really good, especially for me :D

Staying strong, thinking thin,

Saturday, 26 September 2009

I'm Here

Just an update to let anyone who reads know that I just finished one workout of the day. I plan on doing another one in a couple of hours before I settle down for some reality tv. Hell, I'll probably end up doing it again in between the show finishing and going to bed. Here's hoping I do anyway! I'm quite happy with myself today, because I walked into the kitchen to get some water, and although I contemplated getting some fruit smoothie - changed my mind when I saw it was 53 calories per 100ml; NO THANK YOU - I did not open a single cupboard and walked right back out with my water. It's been a good day today, I think. Moving on then...

I just wanted to say don't suffer in silence. If you've chosen ana or mia as your way of life, then that's up to you, but remember there are others in your situation who are ready to help you if you feel you're straying, or relapsing back into bad habits. If you feel like you are finally ready to turn around and say, "You know what? I have a problem, I gotta get help," then that's awesome for you! I will not judge anyone who decides to change the pro-ana/mia ways and seek help.

And on that note, I'd like to add that although my previous post states that this is not a pro-ana site, I am pro-ana myself. I also don't really care if that's contradictory; I am and that's that.

Anyway, I also wanted to say that if anyone ever wanted to get in contact, whether through email or texting - though I live in the UK so I can't text you if you're in the US, sorry - then please don't hesitate. I've read on another girl's blog that having a pro-ana friend who you keep in regular contact with can help a great deal in making sure we stick to our guns. I'm sure at the beginning, many of us have a determination, and we think, 'Hell yeah, I'm gonna do it, I *am* gonna lose weight,' but at some point, maybe not for everyone but for some, that determination can drop away. Know what can come next? Binging. Think about it, people.

Thinking thin,

Friday, 25 September 2009

The Newbie

First off, hello to anyone who happens to stumble across my page. For personal privacy/safety, I will not disclose my age or location, but my name is Laura.

Although the title may suggest otherwise, this is not a pro ana site; this is just me blogging about my personal journey to a figure I am happy with. I do not judge anyone diagnosed with an eating disorder; never have, never will.

I personally have not been diagnosed with an ED, nor do I believe I have one, despite some things I have done which might suggest I do have one. Plus, my family's belief that I am heading towards one has, I believe, not helped.

I suppose a good place to start properly is to tell you all about some of my own experiences.

For example, I have previously lived on nothing but cough sweets and water (for about a month). Then I switched the cough sweets for mints, but became a bit more open-minded towards food, and ate a little more. In June just gone, I attempted to do a 21-day water fast, but this was an epic fail, as I relapsed after only ten days. Even so, I was very proud of myself at the time.

Most recently however, I feel like I have started to spiral out of control a bit. From the 21st to the 25th of September I had a change of routine, and was getting home about an hour before I usually did, which is half four in the evening. As soon as I got home each night, I'd walk into the kitchen and grab something to eat. Just something small mind you. Then, on the Wednesday, I binged and ate half a pizza. I was thoroughly disgusted with myself, and purged my stomach; the first time I had ever done so. Tonight, I ate a pot noodle, a bag of Hula Hoops and an apple, and purged again.

At exactly half eight tonight, I weighed myself in at 143lbs. I hate myself. I am such a big fat fatty. My target weight is 100-110lbs, and I hope to achieve this as soon as possible. I'm going to cram as much physical exercise into my nights as possible, including stomach workouts and training on something I have called a Leg Master. I also plan to attempt another water fast, except this time I'm not going to limit myself; I'm going to just keep going until I feel like I might collapse.

Any food consumed is going to be strictly soup or fruit/veg, or possibly some light dairy, such as yogurt. Any tips/tricks on how to avoid questioning friends & family will be greatly appreciated, as I'm faced with a rather observant lot.

Think thin,