Tuesday, 11 March 2014

No Man's Land

I don't know if anyone's here, or if anyone still cares to follow my blog since I haven't posted in like a year and a half, but I think I might start using this blog again.

Things are going crazy. Me and Andrew broke up a week ago, two weeks shy of our four year anniversary. I'm devastated but starting to realise it was probably the right thing, we haven't really been happy for a while now.

My weight is down. Now that my relationship is over, all I can think is that I can relapse without someone watching me like a hawk. My university flatmates have such varied schedules that I can go for days without eating a thing and they don't realise, and being away from home means I have weeks or even months at a time without my family seeing how much weight I've lost.

I keep thinking of things I can do. I don't have to eat if I don't want to. I could throw up and not be accountable to anyone (I felt accountable to Andrew if I did it before but right now we're not even speaking), not that I want bulimia to creep into my life. I'd rather just not eat. And when I reach goal weights I can reward myself with things he wouldn't have wanted me to have, like a new tattoo or microdermals.

All in all, I think I'm falling again. I'm just not sure whether I slipped or I jumped.