Thursday, 30 August 2012

I am alive.

I told myself I wasn't going to post on this blog ever again. I didn't plan to leave, exactly, but somehow after my last post, life just got in the way. I started to like life again.

I have read through my own blog occasionally since the last time I posted, and it has shocked me sometimes. When I read my posts now, I am amazed that I was able to fool myself so easily. In the words of Marya Hornbacher, I can see that the girl is lying. She is 'the girl' because surely that girl is not me. I knew at the time that I was lying to everyone around me but I never realised how much I was lying to myself. It sounds like such a dreadful cliché, I know, but it is shockingly true.

When I came back the last couple of times, I read the comments on my last post. And I cried. At this one in particular;

'She hasn't posted in a long time, does anyone know what happened to her, is she okay? Alive? x'

It never occurred to me that leaving so suddenly would cause people such concern, and I probably should have written this post sooner. For that, I'm sorry. Thank you to everyone who has ever worried about me, including all my readers, I hope that you are happy and hopefully healthy.

Another thing that struck me was that I can see now how I was trying to run away from my life, and in the time that's passed, I've identified that as probably a contributing factor, among others, to my eating disorder; I was not, and still am not entirely, ready to grow up. I have an alarming fear of growing up - as I obviously managed to demonstrate at the time, it has crippled me at points. I was fifteen when I had this blog originally and I was in my last year of secondary school, after which transition is unavoidable. I think my subconscious realised this and freaked out. If you continue reading, you'll understand why I'm even more consciously worried about the next transition in my life.

I'm eighteen now, and a lot has happened to me since my last post, as I'm sure people have probably guessed.

I achieved twelve GCSEs in the summer of 2010, and did better than I'd expected to. I studied History, Spanish and Psychology at A Level for the two years since then and found out two weeks ago that I'd achieved the grades A*BB, in that order. This has meant that I managed to get into a good university; I'm moving down there in a couple of weeks' time. And that honestly scares the shit out of me - it's two hours away from where I live now and I'm starting over entirely since I don't know anyone down there. I guess I'll just have to grit my teeth and deal with it.

In terms of my personal life, me and Andrew (it's so strange calling him that since that's never been his real name) are still together; we'll have been together for two and a half years in September, and we have a very strong, happy relationship. I know I've never deserved him but I can honestly say that I have no idea where I'd have ended up if it weren't for him. I hate to sound cliché, again, but he probably saved my life when I fell in love with him.

And that's perhaps the most monumental thing. Maybe I'm not entirely recovered - I doubt anyone ever is and I doubt I ever will be either - but I'm okay.

I still check the calories in food - though sometimes they are ignored - and I still weigh myself almost everyday. This is why I am not fully recovered; I don't think this is possible for anyone. You never forget; it doesn't just go away and you can't make it just disappear. I have scars on my hips and thighs from where I hurt myself and I wonder sometimes how I managed to hate myself with such violent force.

But most days I don't think about my scars. I don't cry when I read the number on the scale, or when I look in the mirror. Right now, as I type this, I am 129.0lbs. I still don't like my weight, but I do not starve. I do not throw up. I do not exercise to the point of passing out. I have not cut, or self-harmed in any other way, in over two years.

It's taken time. A lot of time. And it really hurts when you see, and understand, what you have been doing to yourself. But I know I've come out stronger for it.

And I really hope that you, whoever you are, will have the courage to pull through this and realise you are beautiful.

It really does get better, I promise.



. said...

Remember that you are loved, on the internet, and in real life. When you feel anxious and hopeless, ask yourself if you are being open and honest with the people you know. You don't have to fake perfection, in recovery, in your attitude, and with the struggles you have. But being honest and being careful to not lye (I'm sorry, I don't know how to spell it right now!! >.<) to yourself is the key to starting a meaningful way of life. :) I am not recovered and I'm focusing on "symptom management" more than anything, but I hope that one day I can look back and know that I don't give into the voice of anorexia any more.

Missi said...

im so glad your doing fine, im one of them who also were worried. Stay strong. <3

Anonymous said...

I actually cried with those post, because I'm only sixteen, I have had an ED since I was around ten and it just seems that no matter what I do, it doesn't go away. The doctors can't fight of anorexia and bulimia, neither can my parents. I have been keeping this problem secret from all my friends for six years, because I have a horrible fear of abandonment. I still fear every day my parents would realize I am a mess and I won't get better and they would leave me. This is something for me to work on.

I just get so tired of this endless cycle of crying and dying inside out. The only thing I have achieved to stop doing was cutting myself (2 years and haven't slipped up, stopped without anyone's help, because no one knew). But this mental illness is not something I can seem to win and I cry every day because of it.

When you said that it does get better and told us how it improved in your own life, it gave me a new hope that maybe someday, too, I can grow up and realize that I have more to live for than my ED. Of course I understand that these things don't just magically appear, but I'm filled with a new hope that I could find my salvation. While I might never in my life be fully recovered from the sickness, at least I could someday be happy.

Thank you so much for that.

I hope you hold strong and smile everyday, because you deserve it, every girl whose biggest wish is for happiness does. For every girl who ever wanted to break free of the change and every girl who smiles despite her the mess inside. We all deserve to be free and happy.

I wish that you have a great and happy life with your Andrew and I hope that with everyday passed, you forget more and more. After all we're all human.

~Mari G

Anonymous said...

You write like me. It's scary really...

Love L x

Anonymous said...

I am so glad you're doing okay and that you are happy with your life right now.

Anonymous said...

Hello, I am in recovery now and am at a healthy weight for my height, but how do I get my periods back?! Im really worried as I very much want to have lots of kids when Im older. My periods have been absent for nearly a year now and Im eating really well, but still they won't come. Im 15 years old but don't want to go on any pills/medications. Have you got your periods back and how have you done it if so?? xx Thanks

Kaila said...

There is a good chance you'll never read this but I stumbled across your blog a couple of days ago and have been reading it non stop. I've read every post and am honestly so sad you've stopped posting. But I hope that means you're recovering. Your last post made it sound like you were doing much better and that was ages ago so I hope you're life is what you want it to be <3

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