Hiatus No. 2.

Valentine's Day sucked.
This weekend sucked.
Last week sucked.
My whole fucking year so far has sucked.

I'm tired of posting about my countless failures and escalating weight (still below GW1), so I'm not posting another thing until I'm back on track.

I'll catch up with your blogs and stuff when I get back, whenever the hell that'll be.

STOP FAILING.

The fresh cuts from last night on my hip are hurting.
My weight is appalling - although still less than my HW thank god.

If I start a fast tomorrow and continue through to the end of the half term holidays, that's twelve days of not eating, and hopefully that means I can break the 125.0 barrier in time for school after the holidays.

I will be at least 125.0 by the 22nd of February or so help me, I don't know what I'll do.

Laura, you suck.

If I ever see any of you in person, you have permission to slap me super hard as punishment for yesterday.

Less than 500 cals just didn't happen. Far from didn't happen actually.

Disgusting.

I even sat down on the morning and wrote down my plan for the day, the total came to about 399. When it came to lunch, I went into the kitchen to make the noodles (176) and what do I find? There aren't any left.

Shit.

So, the plan was blown pretty much right from the beginning. Downhill from there, and mad calorie consuming ensued.

Badbadbad.

The plan today WILL NOT fail. Everything on the list is definitely in the kitchen, I have checked. There is no reason for me to fail today.

HEAR THAT FATTY LAURA? NO REASON!

The plan today totals 399 again:

- 2 slices of plain white bread toast for lunch (188) (I've already had this)
- 1 cup of tea with one sugar (16)
- 1 blueberry yogurt (102)
- 1 tomato Cup-A-Soup (93)
- Diet Coke (0)

Yes, sounds good.

MOTIVATED.

Haze.

What's wrong with me? I can barely remember typing out my last post.

I know that I did, obviously because it's there, but the memory of typing it and clicking 'Post' is hazy, unreal. This past week, in fact, has felt pretty surreal to me, since G found out I was bulimic.

I can't even really describe it. Again there was that feeling that something astronomically huge had just happened, and yet to everyone else who remained unaware of that horrible Facebook conversation, absolutely nothing had changed.

Everything was still normal for them - still sane.

Is that why I'm getting an urge to cut, right now? Will the pain snap me back to everything that has become normal for me? Will it bring me back to my reality?

Or distance me further from it?

Only one way to find out.

I skipped school today, told my mam some half-bogus story about my leg causing me agony whenever I walk.
I got out of doing my Spanish homework too, score.

Today I am 499 calories.
noodles(176)+orangejuice(230)+cupasoup(93)=499.

I haven't weighed in days because I'm back to fearing what the scales tell me. A weekend of 500-or-less-a-day restriction + a 5-day fast = ready for scales.

When I am Aphrodite, I will soar.

New Persona?

I just want to go somewhere and cry.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
I don't want to see anyone.
I don't want to be fat anymore.

I'm exhausted. Just tired of everything that is wrong or could go wrong with my life.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

The solution is pretty much simple.

I wouldn't mind seeing people.
Andrew might ask me out (finally).
I'd be skinny.

The solution: stop eating.

And yet I can't even do that right.

From this moment, I am locking myself in my room at every available opportunity and never re-emerging until I sparkle like fairy dust and I'm so light that paper wings would weigh me down.

I need to catch this dream and never let it go.

I will be Aphrodite and thin. Forget LaurafatLaura, I am Aphrodite from now; clean cut and beautiful.

New month, new start.

Forget what I said at the end of my last post.

I binged last night. No purge.
I half-binged tonight. Purge.
I'm debating whether or not to tell G, I told her I'd stopped. Shit.

And then, for some reason I ate AGAIN a few hours after the purge? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

As of NOW, it is a new month for me, which means a fresh start, a new beginning.

It is time to STOP being such a goddamn failure, to buck my ideas up, and GET OUT of the 20s, because I'm sick to death of seeing that number!

GO GO GO.