Protruding hips, and skull & spine.

Post title taken from 'My Silent Undoing' by Queen Adreena.

So I got my size 8 jeans, and I can get them on, all fastened up and everything. And I still hate myself in them; I think I look absolutely dreadful and I think they're tight (my mam said they looked fine. Forgive me for not believing you, mam). By Christmas Day, I don't want them to be as baggy as my current 10s, but I want them to be comfortably loose (I don't want them like my current 10s because it will draw too much unwanted attention). 125lbs isn't going to be enough to manage that unfortunately.

I know that because this morning I weighed in at 126.8lbs. I actually felt like crying with joy that I've left the 30s behind. I'm going to weigh again tomorrow morning to check further progress after today too. The lightheadedness when I stand up/walk has returned full swing, the hunger I ignore anyway is subsiding and there is a noticeable gap between my thighs - they still touch at the very top though, much to my annoyance. I can also clearly see my top rib, my collarbones are a lot more pronounced, and my hip bones are jutting. All this means that my fasting is working, and working well.

Unfortunately, I'm finding it almost impossible to fast at the weekends because my mam has definitely noticed I've lost weight. I mean, she'd have to be almost blind to not notice that jeans that fit snugly a few weeks ago are now totally drowning me. So today I tried to play the 'I don't feel well' card, but she responded with, 'Have you had anything to eat?'. ARGH, why do people always assume that's why I feel sick? The whole point of me saying I don't feel well is to avoid eating, so I'm not going to eat to rectify my made-up problem. I said no, and she gave me a look I can't really describe (but it wasn't good), so today I've had:

- 2 tortillas (236)
- 1 cup of Slim-A-Soup (55)
Total: 291.

I feel so horrible and guilty for that. I shouldn't have eaten the second tortilla, I know. Damn my weakness. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tackle tomorrow right now. I know I can avoid breakfast because my mam'll be at church (I don't go, I'm not religious at all) and I can make it look like I had cereal. I might be able to skip lunch by saying I'm not hungry. If I stay in my room all/most of the day, I can occasionally come downstairs and take something up to make it seem like I'm eating it. Yeah, I'll just do that.

I also got invited to a fancy dress party for a girl's birthday from my school. I'm not joking when I say that anyone who's anyone is going to be there, most of whom will be there looking gorgeous in tiny little outfits that show off how skinny they are. I already have my costume; I'm going as Mrs. Clause because all my friends said it would be great and nobody else would be that original. The party's on the 13th at a bar in town, and I so badly want to be 115lbs by then. I'm not going to be negative by saying I doubt I can do it, I'm going to stay positive and tell myself I can do it. If I keep up this rate of losing, I'll be 120 at the very least by then.

Plus, if I don't make it to 115 by the 13th, that is my goal for the 19th, when I'm going to a family Christmas party. I get the feeling my stick thin cousin from the Halloween party will be there again, and although I don't talk to her, I want her to notice how much thinner I am since the Halloween party. If she's not there, at least I won't get all depressed that I'm not as skinny as her.

I'm working on my plan for Christmas, and thanks to CreativeEatsYou for posting an extremely low cal, low fat recipe for angel cake that I'm hoping to use. I'll update on this when I get everything more figured out.

Thanks to new followers, and those who comment. I don't know where I'd be without you :)

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

The day I chose not to eat.

Post title taken from 'Courage' by Superchick.

CreativeEatsYou: I know it's hard to fast without raising suspicions at home, as you'll see from the beginning of this post. But I've managed it before for over two solid weeks, and I'm determined to do it again :)
Thanks for your support! I hope you stay strong too!
--

I'm in a strange place today mood-wise. First, it turned out I couldn't fast this weekend because my mam seemed to take particular interest in my eating habits on both Saturday and Sunday. Ugh, it's times like that I wish she'd leave me alone. But other than that, I didn't eat yesterday, haven't eaten today, and don't plan on eating until about the 18th, which is the day I break up from school for the Christmas holidays.

Unfortunately, my friends want to have a sleepover that night where we'd exchange our secret Santa presents. The problem with this is that our sleepovers generally consist of pizza and alcohol. Lots of alcohol. And what does pizza and alcohol equal? Calories - lots of the damn buggers. I think I can pass on the pizza by telling the usual lie of "I ate before I left the house", but I can't really escape the drinking. The drink we usually get is vodka, but sometimes we get white rum and stuff too, so I'm going to need to read up on their calorie content and plan ahead what I can allow myself. I can't handle not controlling my intake, hence why my mam making me eat stuff when I don't know the calories really pisses me off.

I'm not weighing again until this weekend, because I find I'm more tempted to eat when the numbers go down, because I think, "Hey, I'm losing, eating this won't wreck it". This is wrong (for me, anyway). It's wrong because it starts at about 150cals, which, sure, wouldn't do much harm. But then, I keep going. Then I hate myself when I've gained like, half a pound. So for the past two days I've been drinking water, orange juice and Pepsi, so the only calories I've been taking in are those in the orange juice. That is stopping as of now. And no more Pepsi, as it doesn't help fasting. Waterwaterwater. I'll get flavoured if I must, just anything to get me to stop drinking stupid caffeinated crap.

On the plus side, I'm currently wearing my size 10 jeans (US size 8), and they feel so wonderfully loose compared to the last time I wore them. My legs still look horrendously fat in them, but they feel great. I asked my mam for some new jeans and asked for a size smaller than what I'm wearing (UK size 8/US size 6); that's great because I haven't worn size 8 jeans in years. She looked at me and said, "What size are they?" So I told her and she just said OK. I don't doubt that when I get the new jeans, they'll be a bit tight ('cause I'm so FAT), but I won't rest until I fit into them nicely and I'm not disgusted with the way I look in them. I want to wear them on Christmas Day, and I will. I will weigh at least 125lbs by then. I have a month and a day.

I'm not at that stage where my limbs shake when I walk, or walking up the stairs makes my thighs tingle, or I lose sight for a few seconds when I stand up, but I've come to realise how much I miss those feelings. Feeling those things meant I was getting somewhere, achieving something and I can't wait to get that back. But I'm back to feeling cold all the time, and my fingernails are actually purple a lot of the time. One of my friends pointed it out today, and I just read it could be a sign of several things, some of which are also signs of anorexia. I hope nobody else makes the connection or I'm busted.

I carved again since my last post; I carved 'Ana' into my thigh this time. Go on, tell me I'm fucked up, tell me I'm crazy, mad, out of my mind. 'Cause you wanna know something? I damn well already know. Reading over this post, I've realised my head's at an all new level of screwed up. I don't know how you all can read this blog; surely none of you lovely skinnies are as crazy as me.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Got to see this through.

Post title taken from 'Wires' by Athlete.

Can someone please explain to me why I mess up all the time? Because I just don't know why. Never mind the previous threat of reaching four days, the second day is now my downfall. UGH, and I was so happy with myself when I resisted that stupid lolly on Thursday.

I'm not going to eat today, or tomorrow, or for at least another two weeks after that. 17 days is my minimum fasting time, and I'm going to try for 21 days. 21 would mean I'd break my fast on Saturday the 12th, and then I'd go back to strict restricting of under 200cals a day. I'm still trying to work out how to cope with the Christmas holidays, and at the minute I'm panicking. I've tried to drop so many hints about how I don't want sweets or chocolate, and I've asked basically everyone to just give me money instead, so that I can buy loads of tiny-sized clothes when I get skinny. I suppose I'll just deal with it as it comes.

Anyway, despite my fuck-up session last night, I'm not in the worst of moods today because I got my new scales last night - and my mam doesn't know a thing. I couldn't bear to weigh last night, for obvious reasons, but when I weighed this morning I was 132.2, which is my previous LW! That means I've still managed to lose 0.7lbs since the last time I weighed, and I'm still closing in on the 120s.

Speaking of the 120s, if you looked at my goals chart, you'd see that I added another GW of 123.6, and that's because that is the exact weight I need to be to get my BMI under 20 (123.6 means it'd be 19.9). At the minute it's 21.3, which I know is a healthy normal weight, but I still look in the mirror and hate myself. From now on, I live by this rule:

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

Media exam yesterday went pretty OK surprisingly, I'm doing the second half of it on Monday since it was a 3hr paper split into two sessions. This week is going to be absolute hell exam-wise because I have everything I'm not looking forward to. Oh joy.

Anyone who'd like to join me on my fast is welcome to, although I totally understand if 21 days is a bit much for you; I'm just trying to be really hard on myself to actually get somewhere I'm not ashamed of. So feel free to join but for a shorter amount of time, and maybe we could compare progress? Let me know :)

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Drumstick; updated!

UPDATE! 18:41pm.

CreativeEatsYou: Thank you for your encouraging comments! I resisted, and gave the lolly to one of my friends. It made me feel so strong, and you were totally right, I have the power to say no, and that's exactly what I plan on doing from now on :)

Ugh, the desire to eat tonight is irritating me. It's not even tempting, it's like the feeling of being slightly hungry is just there. Just there to annoy me. So, just to annoy it, I will ignore it. Hah, take that.

My exam today was awful - 1hr45min History paper on Medicine through Time. I came out of the exam room feeling like I was about to cry. Safe to say I failed that one, I think. Thankfully the English Literature paper yesterday went really well, I think I did OK. I like English, it lets me escape.

Wow, that was cringy. Oh well. I'm so all over the place today; maybe that's why this update is full of tiny sentences, haha. I have a Media Studies exam tomorrow, and I'm so unprepared it's unreal. It probably didn't help that that's the lesson I was in when I posted this original post. Heh, oops.

:)
---

11:11am.
Extremely quick post today everyone, ‘cause I’m in school and therefore am not supposed to be doing this during my lesson. I just felt the need to express my panic.

My teacher’s being really nice and gave everyone out lollies. I got a drumstick lolly out of the box to not be suspicious, but now I’m seriously debating on whether or not to eat it. I looked to see how many calories it has, but I can’t find a constant answer anywhere – it ranged from about 22 to 135 (???). I want so badly to not eat it because then I’ll have wrecked my fast pretty much before it even started. But wow, I love those lollies.

I’m going to try and be strong, I just needed to get that out. I’ve put it in my pocket for now, and then I will forget about it and give it to a friend or something. I will not eat it.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

503.

I want to say I cut again last night, but what I'm doing technically isn't cutting. It's basically what I said in my last post - carving into my skin with the pin of a brooch. But yeah, whatever you call it, I did it again. And the really fucked up part? Not only did it not hurt, it sort of felt good. In a really twisted, are-you-crazy kinda way. I'm telling myself I'm not gonna do it again tonight, but I had a horrendous mock exam today, broke my fast (ARGH), and I got my period yesterday.

Yeah, mock exams are taking over my life until the end of next week, and then I'm free from the stress of exams until May. And I'm promising myself that I will be my UGW by then. Unfortunately, dropping from about 130lbs to 95lbs in about six months is going to attract attention. Probably too much, and probably from all the people I don't want to notice. Or rather, I want them to notice and say how skinny I am, but I don't want them to know how I do it. Hah, fat chance.

Anyway, my T.O.M.'s making me feel like shit - and awfully bloated too - and for that reason I'm not weighing myself until either it stops, or Sunday morning. Whichever comes first.

I've eaten rice today. Just rice, plain rice. 368cals, and I might have a bread bun since I've already ruined today. That would bring my total for today up to 503.

Yes, 503. I can live with that. New fast starting tomorrow, and this time I am going to surpass my personal best of 16 days - I'll make sure of it.

Also, what do all you lovely skinnies think of my new layout? I deliberately went on the red category to remind myself of why I blog to all who care to read/comment/etc. I'm still uncertain about the one I chose though, I can't help but wonder if it's a bit much?

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Problem is, Sophie's lying.

Title taken from 'Sophie' by Eleanor McEvoy.

Ana days like today are the days I love. The days where I can take bread buns and Oreo's and crisps up to my room and look at them, feeling no desire to eat them whatsoever. I can stash them away under my bed - that's my trick, that's why my mam thinks I'm eating - without a second thought, and it feels bloody fantastic.

For me, the feeling of emptiness, coupled with the feeling of self-control and willpower, is one of the headiest feelings I can get. Not to mention, I recently found a few more songs that really help to inspire me, even though more than half of them are completely unrelated to ana and eating disorders in general. Since I know how hard it can be to find songs that inspire you, I thought I'd post a copy of my ana playlist for you to try out. Some songs are a bit hard to get, so if you listen and like it, comment or something and I can help you out.

1. Do What You Have To Do; Sarah McLachlan
2. Lie In The Sound; Trespassers William
3. Breathe Me*; Sia
4. My Silent Undoing*; Queen Adreena
5. Sophie*; Eleanor McEvoy
6. Nobody*; Amy Studt
7. She's Falling Apart; Lisa Loeb
8. So Damn Beautiful; Polaroid
9. Fragile*; Delta Goodrem
10. Courage; Superchick
11. Beauty From Pain; Superchick
12. Beautiful Lie; 30 Seconds To Mars
13. Going, Going, Gone; Stars
14. Ugly; The Smashing Pumpkins
15. Square One; Coldplay
16. A Perfect Lie; The Engine Room
17. Lost Along The Way; John Nordstrom
18. Feed Me; Juliana Hatfield
19. What's Good For Me; Lucy Woodward
20. Starving For Attention; Geri Karlstrom
21. The Way She Feels; Between The Trees
22. Utopia; Within Temptation ft. Chris Jones
23. My Skin; Natalie Merchant
24. Cut; Plumb
25. With Light There Is Hope; Princess One Point Five

Songs with *'s beside them show what inspire me the most. I find 'Breathe Me' to be particularly helpful, and it's probably my favourite song on this list.

I realise if you listen to these, most of them you'll be wondering what I was even thinking putting them in my playlist, but this is just what helps me. Take from it what you will. If anything in particular inspires you, leave a comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts :)

Also, a couple towards the end don't actually relate to ana, even for me. I threw them on my list about a week ago, when I'd had an extremely bad day. I grabbed the nearest brooch and proceeded to - what I can only describe as - carve into my thighs, at the very top so my school skirt covered the marks during the day. The first time I'd ever experienced self-injury, and not the last, either. Did it a few more times since then, and I did it again last night, after another particularly bad day. I swear, my head's getting more and more fucked up by the day.

Speaking of which.
I was reading *strawberry//shortcake*'s blog yesterday, and she mentioned online depression tests. I've been wondering a lot about whether I'm depressed lately, so I thought I'd give it a go to see whether my suspicions were right.

Moderate/severe depression was listed as a score of 36-45. I got 35. So technically my result was mild/moderate depression, but I was bordering on moderate/severe so much I might as well have moved in with it.

I went on the website's quizzes section to see what other things they tested for, and decided to do the test on Bipolar, the Eating Attitudes test, and the 'Do You Need Therapy?' test.

Bipolar: Bipolar disorder likely (26-35). I got 33.
Therapy: Psychotherapy likely beneficial (20-42). I got 37.

Eating Attitudes: Eating Disorder Likely/High Risk (24 and up). I got 45.

That last one was hardly surprising because I pretty much knew it would tell me I had one, but I was slightly taken aback by just how high my score actually was. I just wish I'd known about that site before this ED started taking over my life, just to compare results between then and now; I think it would have been interesting.

On a much lighter note, I'm going Christmas shopping for my mam on Friday night with my friend, and I'm getting my scales and some rather lovely lip balm then too. My excuse is my mam asked me to pick up the scales that she reserved. I'm such a liar. If my friend gets on my case about not eating or anything, I'll allow myself a fruit frappuccino from Starbucks, which I checked on their official website to be 157cals for a tall. Way more than I'd like, but hopefully I can avoid it altogether.

How long was that post? :P

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

5"6 - 'cause I'm dumb.

Hahahaha, I'm such an idiot. I converted my height from centimeters to feet a while ago and got the result 5"5. I told a couple of my friends the other day 'cause we were talking about it, and they both assured me that I was taller than that because one of them knew she was definitely 5"5 and I'm taller than her without a doubt. So, I went back to my trusty phone converter to check I was doing everything right.

I don't know how it works in other places, but in the UK we use centimeters and metres instead of feet and inches, so I had no idea before earlier today how many inches were in a foot. When I'd been converting my height, I was putting in 168.4cm and getting back 5.52ft. Because I'm such a dunce, I took that to mean 5"5. Of course, now I know there are 6 inches in a foot, and therefore 5 1/2ft is 5"6. I'm so stupid.

Anyway. My mother unknowingly succeeded in pissing me right off last night. Last weekend, I managed to steal my grandma's scales while I was home alone - my grandparents being away with my mam and brother. I was very pleased with myself because I assumed I'd be able to keep them for longer so I could track my progress for Competition to Lose. But no, my mam went and moved the scales, my grandma saw, took them back, and now I have no scales, no way to see how quickly the numbers are dropping (or not, as my luck would probably have it). I'm going to try and find a way to go to my grandma's tomorrow to use the scales, but if I can't do so without arousing suspicion, I have a back-up weight to post to CtL;

Yes, I was weak. A couple of hours after my post yesterday, I caved and weighed myself: 60.3kg, or 132.9lbs. I'm so thrilled, I'm closing in on escaping the 130s, and I've also re-achieved my GW1. This time, I'm not going to let binging (is that spelled right?) episodes ruin my progress. I'm feeling very motivated lately, apart from briefly earlier today when I was craving carbs; tortillas, toast, rice, etc. Ugh. Thankfully, I didn't eat any, yay willpower!

Right, organisation time:
-I'm saving up £18 to buy a new scale in secret that I can hide in my room. Mam needn't know a thing. I hope to have it ASAP, preferably within 1-2 weeks.
-When I hit 125lbs, I'm going to reward myself with some nice underwear. It's a long time since I bought any and my drawer needs restocking.
-If I'm feeling desperately weak tonight when my mam asks if I want any dinner, I'll offer to share some long grain rice with her - that way, my calorie count will only be 202*. If I do, I have to do 50 extra crunches & 25 extra reverse crunches to help work it off.

* - I realise for half a packet of rice that's not exactly good, but it'd be my whole intake for today, and that's pretty darn good.

Sorry for the pretty jumbled post, it's just testament as to how much more fucked up my mind's gotten recently. Don't be surprised that you don't know what I'm talking about, I haven't mentioned it in any other posts; I'll probably explain that sometime in the future, but not today. I'm in too much of a good mood today.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Thinspo.

I know I said I'd post on Sunday with my weight, but obviously I didn't. In all honesty, I don't even remember why I didn't. You may have noticed that I changed my CW to 135.1 though, which is what my weight was Sunday morning. I haven't weighed since then, but I've started getting light-headed when I stand up and when I go upstairs again, so I'm taking that as a sign that fasting is once again doing its job.

Also, I come bearing thinspo for all you beautiful skinny girls out there who follow and read my blog, and who basically keep me going. Although I would like to see more comments - hint, hint - your silent support does still help a lot.


Thinking thin,
xoxo.

136.6

I knew I'd put on weight. Thankfully, it's nowhere near as much as I thought I had, but still, I did and I'm ashamed.

The fast failed. Miserably. I didn't eat anything else Wednesday, and I fasted through Thursday and most of Friday before it went horribly wrong.

Oh god. Friday.

That was one hell of a dark day. I got home in a bad mood to start with because a couple of my friends were driving me up the wall, and the first thing I did was walk into the kitchen. I ate. Oh boy, did I eat. Didn't count calories or anything; it was all just a haze. Anyway, when I walked out with a tortilla, I walked past my mam who was sitting on the sofa, and said, "I have a pizza in the oven 'cause I'm a pig. I'm a fat pig."

I thought I'd said the last sentence under my breath, but apparently not. I'd started walking out the door, but my voice cracked on the last word and my mam stood up in what I can only describe as horror, and called my name to get me to go back. I turned around and practically hurled myself onto her, sobbing. She asked me if anyone had said anything to make me think that way, and I said no. She told me (again) I had a lovely figure (even though I don't). I didn't have the heart to tell her how fat, horrible, disgusting and ugly I feel all the time because even if I did, she just wouldn't understand.

I think it's safe to say that is the lowest I have ever been at any point in my life. Ever. It was a complete meltdown, and it was only after that I realised what a terrible mistake I'd made. Now if I ever tell her I'm not hungry or something, I'm scared she's gonna catch on and discover ana, discover my blog, discover what I've been doing on and off this past month and a half. I'm so paranoid about her finding out, I've changed the password to my laptop and everything so she can't get on, and I lock it whenever I leave the room.

I've joined Competition to Lose now too. Well, I think I have; I commented the last post with my CW and I intend to weigh myself again next weekend and see how I do. I'm also gonna weigh again when I wake up tomorrow and see what my proper start weight is. I don't think the result I've just gotten really counts as such because I've eaten today, even when I know I shouldn't have.

New fast starts tomorrow. Hopefully my mood won't be terrible this week and I'll be able to stick to it this time. In fact no, that attitude's too negative. I will stick to it this week, I won't let friends or anything else deter me.

Oh, and I should have gotten my period almost two weeks ago, so either I'm very late, or I've skipped one. I think it's highly unlikely that they've stopped altogether, because I'm not skinny enough, and according to my BMI I'm not underweight either. Maybe it's just a one-time thing.

Anyway, it's late and I'm tired. I'll post sometime tomorrow - or I'll try to - with my morning weight.

Thinking thin,
xoxo.

374.

That is my calorie intake for today, and I will eat no more.

I know I've kind of been neglecting my blog and my commenting on other people's blogs, but I'm gonna try and get back into the swing of things ASAP. Halloween wasn't that bad surprisingly. I absolutely detested what I looked like so no pictures of me were taken, but other than that it wasn't a bad night even food-wise.

Although there was this girl there - I think she's my cousin - and I swear, she was just so skinny I wanted to cry - I actually almost did. I turned and said to my mam, "She has succeeded in making me feel very fat". My mam told me I was stupid and I had a lovely figure - uh-huh, yeah right - and then promptly told my grandma what I said. She told me that this other girl was 'too skinny' and that I'm beautiful the way I am. Errr, I am not. She probably just said that because she's been worried about me developing an eating disorder for about a year now.

I'm sorry that I think 'too skinny' is beautiful.
I'm sorry that nothing you say will change my mind.
I'm sorry that I'm doing what I can to get there.
And I'm sorry that it's not my goddamn choice.

New fast starting tomorrow; zero calories is my target, but if I have calories it will most likely be orange juice. No solid food until further notice. I'm home alone all this weekend so that will make it easier, and also means I have an opportunity to weigh myself for the first time in over a month - I'm totally dreading it, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm back up to 143. I'll post with the results sometime this weekend, and I think I'm going to join Competition to Lose to help motivate me.

I'd also just like to say thanks to everyone who comments and follows my blog, you are appreciated :)

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.