136.6

I knew I'd put on weight. Thankfully, it's nowhere near as much as I thought I had, but still, I did and I'm ashamed.

The fast failed. Miserably. I didn't eat anything else Wednesday, and I fasted through Thursday and most of Friday before it went horribly wrong.

Oh god. Friday.

That was one hell of a dark day. I got home in a bad mood to start with because a couple of my friends were driving me up the wall, and the first thing I did was walk into the kitchen. I ate. Oh boy, did I eat. Didn't count calories or anything; it was all just a haze. Anyway, when I walked out with a tortilla, I walked past my mam who was sitting on the sofa, and said, "I have a pizza in the oven 'cause I'm a pig. I'm a fat pig."

I thought I'd said the last sentence under my breath, but apparently not. I'd started walking out the door, but my voice cracked on the last word and my mam stood up in what I can only describe as horror, and called my name to get me to go back. I turned around and practically hurled myself onto her, sobbing. She asked me if anyone had said anything to make me think that way, and I said no. She told me (again) I had a lovely figure (even though I don't). I didn't have the heart to tell her how fat, horrible, disgusting and ugly I feel all the time because even if I did, she just wouldn't understand.

I think it's safe to say that is the lowest I have ever been at any point in my life. Ever. It was a complete meltdown, and it was only after that I realised what a terrible mistake I'd made. Now if I ever tell her I'm not hungry or something, I'm scared she's gonna catch on and discover ana, discover my blog, discover what I've been doing on and off this past month and a half. I'm so paranoid about her finding out, I've changed the password to my laptop and everything so she can't get on, and I lock it whenever I leave the room.

I've joined Competition to Lose now too. Well, I think I have; I commented the last post with my CW and I intend to weigh myself again next weekend and see how I do. I'm also gonna weigh again when I wake up tomorrow and see what my proper start weight is. I don't think the result I've just gotten really counts as such because I've eaten today, even when I know I shouldn't have.

New fast starts tomorrow. Hopefully my mood won't be terrible this week and I'll be able to stick to it this time. In fact no, that attitude's too negative. I will stick to it this week, I won't let friends or anything else deter me.

Oh, and I should have gotten my period almost two weeks ago, so either I'm very late, or I've skipped one. I think it's highly unlikely that they've stopped altogether, because I'm not skinny enough, and according to my BMI I'm not underweight either. Maybe it's just a one-time thing.

Anyway, it's late and I'm tired. I'll post sometime tomorrow - or I'll try to - with my morning weight.

Thinking thin,
xoxo.