Tuesday, 24 November 2009

The day I chose not to eat.

Post title taken from 'Courage' by Superchick.

CreativeEatsYou: I know it's hard to fast without raising suspicions at home, as you'll see from the beginning of this post. But I've managed it before for over two solid weeks, and I'm determined to do it again :)
Thanks for your support! I hope you stay strong too!

I'm in a strange place today mood-wise. First, it turned out I couldn't fast this weekend because my mam seemed to take particular interest in my eating habits on both Saturday and Sunday. Ugh, it's times like that I wish she'd leave me alone. But other than that, I didn't eat yesterday, haven't eaten today, and don't plan on eating until about the 18th, which is the day I break up from school for the Christmas holidays.

Unfortunately, my friends want to have a sleepover that night where we'd exchange our secret Santa presents. The problem with this is that our sleepovers generally consist of pizza and alcohol. Lots of alcohol. And what does pizza and alcohol equal? Calories - lots of the damn buggers. I think I can pass on the pizza by telling the usual lie of "I ate before I left the house", but I can't really escape the drinking. The drink we usually get is vodka, but sometimes we get white rum and stuff too, so I'm going to need to read up on their calorie content and plan ahead what I can allow myself. I can't handle not controlling my intake, hence why my mam making me eat stuff when I don't know the calories really pisses me off.

I'm not weighing again until this weekend, because I find I'm more tempted to eat when the numbers go down, because I think, "Hey, I'm losing, eating this won't wreck it". This is wrong (for me, anyway). It's wrong because it starts at about 150cals, which, sure, wouldn't do much harm. But then, I keep going. Then I hate myself when I've gained like, half a pound. So for the past two days I've been drinking water, orange juice and Pepsi, so the only calories I've been taking in are those in the orange juice. That is stopping as of now. And no more Pepsi, as it doesn't help fasting. Waterwaterwater. I'll get flavoured if I must, just anything to get me to stop drinking stupid caffeinated crap.

On the plus side, I'm currently wearing my size 10 jeans (US size 8), and they feel so wonderfully loose compared to the last time I wore them. My legs still look horrendously fat in them, but they feel great. I asked my mam for some new jeans and asked for a size smaller than what I'm wearing (UK size 8/US size 6); that's great because I haven't worn size 8 jeans in years. She looked at me and said, "What size are they?" So I told her and she just said OK. I don't doubt that when I get the new jeans, they'll be a bit tight ('cause I'm so FAT), but I won't rest until I fit into them nicely and I'm not disgusted with the way I look in them. I want to wear them on Christmas Day, and I will. I will weigh at least 125lbs by then. I have a month and a day.

I'm not at that stage where my limbs shake when I walk, or walking up the stairs makes my thighs tingle, or I lose sight for a few seconds when I stand up, but I've come to realise how much I miss those feelings. Feeling those things meant I was getting somewhere, achieving something and I can't wait to get that back. But I'm back to feeling cold all the time, and my fingernails are actually purple a lot of the time. One of my friends pointed it out today, and I just read it could be a sign of several things, some of which are also signs of anorexia. I hope nobody else makes the connection or I'm busted.

I carved again since my last post; I carved 'Ana' into my thigh this time. Go on, tell me I'm fucked up, tell me I'm crazy, mad, out of my mind. 'Cause you wanna know something? I damn well already know. Reading over this post, I've realised my head's at an all new level of screwed up. I don't know how you all can read this blog; surely none of you lovely skinnies are as crazy as me.

Staying strong, thinking thin,


Anonymous said...

that's great! You can get into your jeans! The day I get into a size 8 will be the best day EVER! I do the same thing when he numbers go down, it's such a pain!
stay strong!

Aimee said...

I've just began following you. :)
Getting into those jeans will be such thinspiration, well done. I also have problems with my suspicous mother :( so fustrating.
stay strong x

Anonymous said...

I self-harm too. I also trying to not eat, but it's so hard. I think I'll just try throwing up. I've done it once. I can do it again.