Saturday, 28 November 2009

Protruding hips, and skull & spine.

Post title taken from 'My Silent Undoing' by Queen Adreena.

So I got my size 8 jeans, and I can get them on, all fastened up and everything. And I still hate myself in them; I think I look absolutely dreadful and I think they're tight (my mam said they looked fine. Forgive me for not believing you, mam). By Christmas Day, I don't want them to be as baggy as my current 10s, but I want them to be comfortably loose (I don't want them like my current 10s because it will draw too much unwanted attention). 125lbs isn't going to be enough to manage that unfortunately.

I know that because this morning I weighed in at 126.8lbs. I actually felt like crying with joy that I've left the 30s behind. I'm going to weigh again tomorrow morning to check further progress after today too. The lightheadedness when I stand up/walk has returned full swing, the hunger I ignore anyway is subsiding and there is a noticeable gap between my thighs - they still touch at the very top though, much to my annoyance. I can also clearly see my top rib, my collarbones are a lot more pronounced, and my hip bones are jutting. All this means that my fasting is working, and working well.

Unfortunately, I'm finding it almost impossible to fast at the weekends because my mam has definitely noticed I've lost weight. I mean, she'd have to be almost blind to not notice that jeans that fit snugly a few weeks ago are now totally drowning me. So today I tried to play the 'I don't feel well' card, but she responded with, 'Have you had anything to eat?'. ARGH, why do people always assume that's why I feel sick? The whole point of me saying I don't feel well is to avoid eating, so I'm not going to eat to rectify my made-up problem. I said no, and she gave me a look I can't really describe (but it wasn't good), so today I've had:

- 2 tortillas (236)
- 1 cup of Slim-A-Soup (55)
Total: 291.

I feel so horrible and guilty for that. I shouldn't have eaten the second tortilla, I know. Damn my weakness. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tackle tomorrow right now. I know I can avoid breakfast because my mam'll be at church (I don't go, I'm not religious at all) and I can make it look like I had cereal. I might be able to skip lunch by saying I'm not hungry. If I stay in my room all/most of the day, I can occasionally come downstairs and take something up to make it seem like I'm eating it. Yeah, I'll just do that.

I also got invited to a fancy dress party for a girl's birthday from my school. I'm not joking when I say that anyone who's anyone is going to be there, most of whom will be there looking gorgeous in tiny little outfits that show off how skinny they are. I already have my costume; I'm going as Mrs. Clause because all my friends said it would be great and nobody else would be that original. The party's on the 13th at a bar in town, and I so badly want to be 115lbs by then. I'm not going to be negative by saying I doubt I can do it, I'm going to stay positive and tell myself I can do it. If I keep up this rate of losing, I'll be 120 at the very least by then.

Plus, if I don't make it to 115 by the 13th, that is my goal for the 19th, when I'm going to a family Christmas party. I get the feeling my stick thin cousin from the Halloween party will be there again, and although I don't talk to her, I want her to notice how much thinner I am since the Halloween party. If she's not there, at least I won't get all depressed that I'm not as skinny as her.

I'm working on my plan for Christmas, and thanks to CreativeEatsYou for posting an extremely low cal, low fat recipe for angel cake that I'm hoping to use. I'll update on this when I get everything more figured out.

Thanks to new followers, and those who comment. I don't know where I'd be without you :)

Staying strong, thinking thin,


Anonymous said...

Hooray! Nothing like a new pair of jeans to spur yo on!

Know what you mean about the sick thing, my mum says that every time!

Have a good time at the party, your costume sounds good! Mrs clause is a pretty funny idea!

your welcome for the cake! hope it's good =P

stay strong!

Aimee said...

291 is great. Way better then me, you should be proud.
This whole thing would be a lot easier without parents making you you, my mum's the same :(
Glad your in the 120s, well done.
I want exactly the same, to go to my relatives and show how much thinner I am. Only problem is I have to get thinner first :)
Stay strong Mrs. Clause (great idea btw, so origional) x

Anonymous said...

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and I'll emil you my number. =D