Saturday, 5 December 2009

Bones are beautiful; my drug of choice.

Post title taken from 'Starving for Attention' by Geri Karlstrom.

OK, I ate Wednesday night. Nothing Thursday, nothing Friday. Nothing until about midday today. My excuse is that I stood up and honestly thought I was going to faint; I started sweating (not a lot, but a light sheen of sweat on my forehead), my limbs were shaking like mad, and I actually couldn't see for about fifteen seconds. It was such a horrible feeling! I've never fainted before, and this is definitely the closest I've ever come. So, I felt I had to eat so that I didn't faint in front of my mam. That would have been beyond terrible.

I didn't count calories today, I would have gotten depressed and probably self harmed again. I'm actually trying to stop that, but sometimes it feels like that's all I can do. Anyway, despite eating a "normal" amount today, I weighed about 127lbs, so although I obviously gained, it wasn't all that much (thank god!). I'm not changing my CW to that because I'm going to see how much of it disappears overnight and then I'll change it to whatever I weigh in the morning. If it's higher than 127 tomorrow I'll cry, just like I did Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night. I totally lost it each of those nights and I just broke down over and over. But moving on to a happier topic!

I took a photo tonight (post-eating trauma) of me wearing my Mrs. Clause costume for the fancy dress party on the 13th, but before I add it to the post, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my texting partner Rachel (CreativeEatsYou) for supporting me and being a great person to talk to! She's so nice and it's such a relief to finally be able to talk freely about my ED with someone who understands. Anyway, here's the picture:

I also posted this on my Facebook, and the first person to comment was posting things like, "Wow, how skinny are you?!", "Your waist is tiny!" and, "Your legs are like twigs!". Umm, no. Just no. I do not believe any of those statements. I am not skinny. My waist is not tiny. My legs are monstrously large. I hope to have changed all of these things by Christmas. Here's hoping I'm down to 115 by then!

Oh, I asked my mam if I could make the 53cal-a-slice chocolate angel cake that Rachel posted on her blog for Christmas, and she said yes! My reasoning was that I never eat Christmas pudding (totally true, I think it's disgusting), and she was totally OK with it. I've worked out a plan for Christmas Day, and there are four variations to it according to what amount of certain foods I put on my plate. The highest calorie amount any of these variations reach is 725, which I think is a fantastic number for Christmas Day, considering the average amount for Christmas Day is around 6000 (6000?! What?!?!). The lowest amount is about 575, which is going to be my aim. If anyone would like a copy of either the cake recipe or my Christmas plans, please comment this post and I'll post download links to the documents in my next post :)

Staying strong, thinking thin,


KEMPER said...

Ooh ooh I wanna see!! And I missed Rachel's post, could you link that too?

Much love, your plans sound fantastic!!

Aimee said...

Aww thanks, your comment made me feel a lot better about those calories.
I can't believe people can have 2000 calories per day, everyday! Ewww it makes me feel sick the amount of food they consume. Though 6000 on christmas day is out of the questions. 6000!? wtf. We can't let that happen. Your plan sounds well thought out :)
The picture is gorgous love, but I won't droan on about how great you look because I know how I don't believe people when they say it to me.
Stay strong darling x