Monday, 14 December 2009

I am anything but jolly this Christmas.

'Chin up, it's Christmas soon!'
Yes, 'tis the season to be fucking jolly.

Woke up this morning at 128.6 after a particularly bad weekend. Depression. Self-loathing. Same old, same old. If I wasn't so miserable, I'd try and stop the repetition.

470 calories today - I ate so I'm not happy, but it's under 500 so I can live with it.

On a different topic, there's this boy I've been talking to a lot over the past couple of months. For sake of privacy/safety, I'll call him Andrew instead of his real name. Anyway, I get the feeling that he likes me, but I've never been good with being able to tell that kind of thing, so I'm probably wrong. This is going to sound weird, but I've only ever seen him in person once when he came with me and some friends to the cinema recently; I met him on Facebook and I text him almost everyday now (he's not a creep or some guy lying about his age or anything weird like that).

At the minute, we're strictly friends, nothing has happened between us or anything. I don't even know if I feel that way about him. But it's scary how much I've opened up to him - I've told him things nobody else knows about, so much so that he can tell there's something wrong with me. Friday night he chose just the best moment to text me (note sarcasm), when I was in the middle of purging the horrible amount of calories I'd just had. I came so close to telling him everything - about Ana, about my self-injury, about my brushes with Mia, just absolutely everything because I'm scared that if I keep bottling it up like I have been, I'm going to break.

But at the same time, I couldn't tell him a single thing. And I damn well knew it.

I managed to convince him that it was just a low point and that he shouldn't worry, but tonight I ended up telling him that I'm good at hiding things, and that I'm a brilliant liar when I need to be. I need to stop dropping so many hints. I have to. If he finds out about all the things that are wrong with me, he'll try and fix me, try and put me right. He's just that kind of person. I can't let that happen, he can't take Ana, can't take my comfort or my control.

I won't let him.


SBB said...

This season makes me jolly in the sense that I resemble Santa. FML..
Kk the part about the boy that you met "Andrew" honestly - and I am totally talking from experience.. because I was in a super similar situation and 100% missed my chance and lost out huge. GO FOR IT! If you like him, and he makes you feel awesome.. and you can trust him, and there is flirtation - pls do not hold back. I mean obvi wait til you're ready... but pursue this because trust me if God forbid something were to happen - you would regret it... down to your bones. You don't want to regret it. Def be careful with Ana, Mia and the harm though - it takes a really thoughtful person to understand and continue caring for you instead of "seeing the red flag" and running.