Tuesday, 8 December 2009

The recovered is my trigger.

KEMPER: Since you asked for the recipe and the plans, you can find them here and here respectively. The reason there are different numbers beside almost every food item on the Christmas plan list is because obviously the amount of calories depends on how you cook it, how big the portion is, etc., so I just took an average amount for certain things from the Internet. Remember it is a guide, so the actual amount of calories you consume is pretty much a guess (although hopefully an accurate one).

Aimee: I know, 2000 a day makes me feel sick, never mind 6000! I don't know how people can manage to eat that much in one day, especially when there are so many people like us who probably eat less than that in a full week - sometimes even in a month (when taking fasting into account etc.). If you're interested in my Christmas plans, you can see above for download links. Thank you for the compliment on my picture, I know exactly what you mean - I just ignore it when people say I look "good" because I just remember they don't see what I see. I hope you're staying strong too!

Don't give up girls! x

--

OK, a recovered anorexic girl just came back to school in the past week. This is the same girl I mentioned in passing a few posts ago; the one that was friends with my current friends a few years ago when she first got sick (since then, we've both kind of made new friends, her old friends becoming my new friends etc. You get the picture). Anyway, for the past two and a half years or so, she's been fine as far as I know, but around June/July time, she relapsed and went back to the clinic, where she's been until about a week ago.

I feel so sickened with myself for even thinking this, never mind admitting it to you all, but the first thing I noticed when she came back was that she'd gained (well obviously, or she wouldn't be back). But aside from realising the obvious, I actually found myself preferring what she looked like before she went back to the clinic. I haven't actually voiced this aloud to anyone because if alarm bells aren't ringing already, they certainly would be then.

Another thing about this girl. In English today, one of my friends looked over at her and said to me, "Don't you feel sorry for her? I mean, don't you think it's really terrible and sad what's happened to her?". My reply was my honest opinion - I said no. I don't feel sorry for her, because I know that while anorexia has certainly brought me down to some of the lowest points in my entire life, there's still that part of me that welcomes it with open arms. It's part of who I am now, it helps me cope, and at the minute I think the end will justify the means.

I also don't think what's happened to her is 'sad and terrible'. I mean, yes, it's not exactly pleasant that she's gone through this - the self-loathing and the depression and whatnot - but I think it's wrong to say that someone with an ED is constantly unhappy. People seem to neglect the idea that we still feel happy, but we just get joy from different things, i.e. "normal" people get joy from eating, people with EDs get joy from finding their bones protrude a little more, so on and so forth.

Moving on to a slightly different topic (but still related): every morning I go up to my cousin's house to get the bus with her to school. She was part of the friendship group I left around January time, so already we didn't talk nearly as much as we used to. But since September-ish (when I started this blog, and my ED basically came in full-swing), we barely talk at all. Like today, I haven't spoken a word to her. Literally, not even hello. It sounds awful, but it's true all the same. At the bus stop, every so often she'd get a really aggravated look on her face, sigh and huff really loudly, and glance at me out of the corner of her eye. It might not even be me she's annoyed at, but even if it is, I don't care. This hit me this morning:

I do not care.

Before, I would be really bothered if she confronted me about us not talking anymore, but now I'm just not. Some of my lessons in school, I can tell my marks are slipping a bit, but I can't find it in me to be even slightly worried. My reasoning is that I have more important things on my mind; that is how important this ED is to me right now. Wow that sounds sick and twisted and wrong, but that is my main priority right now.

I almost hate to say it, but it's the truth: the recovered girl at school has acted as a huge trigger for me. Whenever I get a desire to eat, I think to myself, 'She wouldn't eat this. She didn't get that skinny by eating', and it's a lot easier to walk away from food. Speaking of which, I haven't eaten since Sunday! I last weighed last night and I was back down to 127.0 from 128.4, and I'm not going to weigh again until Saturday night/Sunday morning. Then it's the party Sunday night, so as of last night, I have to lose 7 lbs.

Thanks to this blog here and the latest post, I am following these rules on food to make sure I don't stray:

1. It has to be free.
2. It has to be offered.
3. I have to be hungry, i.e. on the verge of fainting.
4. I have to love it. (But as of about now, I hate any and all food. Ha.)

Wish me luck!

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

2 comments:

KEMPER said...

Thanks so much!! :)

Aimee said...

Exactly! My prioritys are basically the same.
Thanks darling I'll check out those links now :)
Loving your new rules.
Good luck x