Monday, 16 November 2009

Problem is, Sophie's lying.

Title taken from 'Sophie' by Eleanor McEvoy.

Ana days like today are the days I love. The days where I can take bread buns and Oreo's and crisps up to my room and look at them, feeling no desire to eat them whatsoever. I can stash them away under my bed - that's my trick, that's why my mam thinks I'm eating - without a second thought, and it feels bloody fantastic.

For me, the feeling of emptiness, coupled with the feeling of self-control and willpower, is one of the headiest feelings I can get. Not to mention, I recently found a few more songs that really help to inspire me, even though more than half of them are completely unrelated to ana and eating disorders in general. Since I know how hard it can be to find songs that inspire you, I thought I'd post a copy of my ana playlist for you to try out. Some songs are a bit hard to get, so if you listen and like it, comment or something and I can help you out.

1. Do What You Have To Do; Sarah McLachlan
2. Lie In The Sound; Trespassers William
3. Breathe Me*; Sia
4. My Silent Undoing*; Queen Adreena
5. Sophie*; Eleanor McEvoy
6. Nobody*; Amy Studt
7. She's Falling Apart; Lisa Loeb
8. So Damn Beautiful; Polaroid
9. Fragile*; Delta Goodrem
10. Courage; Superchick
11. Beauty From Pain; Superchick
12. Beautiful Lie; 30 Seconds To Mars
13. Going, Going, Gone; Stars
14. Ugly; The Smashing Pumpkins
15. Square One; Coldplay
16. A Perfect Lie; The Engine Room
17. Lost Along The Way; John Nordstrom
18. Feed Me; Juliana Hatfield
19. What's Good For Me;
Lucy Woodward
20. Starving For Attention; Geri Karlstrom
21. The Way She Feels; Between The Trees
22. Utopia;
Within Temptation ft. Chris Jones
23. My Skin; Natalie Merchant
24. Cut;
25. With Light There Is Hope; Princess One Point Five

Songs with *'s beside them show what inspire me the most. I find 'Breathe Me' to be particularly helpful, and it's probably my favourite song on this list.

I realise if you listen to these, most of them you'll be wondering what I was even thinking putting them in my playlist, but this is just what helps me. Take from it what you will. If anything in particular inspires you, leave a comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts :)

Also, a couple towards the end don't actually relate to ana, even for me. I threw them on my list about a week ago, when I'd had an extremely bad day. I grabbed the nearest brooch and proceeded to - what I can only describe as - carve into my thighs, at the very top so my school skirt covered the marks during the day. The first time I'd ever experienced self-injury, and not the last, either. Did it a few more times since then, and I did it again last night, after another particularly bad day. I swear, my head's getting more and more fucked up by the day.

Speaking of which.
I was reading *strawberry//shortcake*'s blog yesterday, and she mentioned online depression tests. I've been wondering a lot about whether I'm depressed lately, so I thought I'd give it a go to see whether my suspicions were right.

Moderate/severe depression was listed as a score of 36-45. I got 35. So technically my result was mild/moderate depression, but I was bordering on moderate/severe so much I might as well have moved in with it.

I went on the website's quizzes section to see what other things they tested for, and decided to do the test on Bipolar, the Eating Attitudes test, and the 'Do You Need Therapy?' test.

Bipolar: Bipolar disorder likely (26-35). I got 33.
Therapy: Psychotherapy likely beneficial (20-42). I got 37.

Eating Attitudes: Eating Disorder Likely/High Risk (24 and up). I got 45.

That last one was hardly surprising because I pretty much knew it would tell me I had one, but I was slightly taken aback by just how high my score actually was. I just wish I'd known about that site before this ED started taking over my life, just to compare results between then and now; I think it would have been interesting.

On a much lighter note, I'm going Christmas shopping for my mam on Friday night with my friend, and I'm getting my scales and some rather lovely lip balm then too. My excuse is my mam asked me to pick up the scales that she reserved. I'm such a liar. If my friend gets on my case about not eating or anything, I'll allow myself a fruit frappuccino from Starbucks, which I checked on their official website to be 157cals for a tall. Way more than I'd like, but hopefully I can avoid it altogether.

How long was that post? :P

Staying strong, thinking thin,


Anonymous said...

I'm going to check out your songs! I love hearing new music. Thanks!

I just did those tests and got basically the same results as you. Which is suprising because I dont think of myself as depresed, just fat! Those tests are wierd. Apparently I'm manic too. oh dear...

Thankyou for commenting on my blog, I really appreciate it.

Stay strong!