:'(

The bf knows about the self harm. I told him (and showed him) when we were both drunk on Saturday night, even though I was completely wasted and he was nowhere near as bad, and it's just my fucking luck that he remembers.

I did it again last night after stopping for about two months, and tonight he decides to bring it up on MSN. And he makes me feel like the scum of the earth at times like this because he's saying all this stuff about how he thinks I'd never do it again, when I asked why he thought that, he said that he thought if I did, it would be because the bulimia had started again or something and he doesn't think that will happen either.

It's only been a week since that last happened, and he doesn't know. I cut last night and he doesn't know. I feel absolutely shit for not telling him, but he puts me on a pedestal, he thinks I'm all healthy and mentally stable again, and I don't want to let him down, I don't want him to worry, but most of all I don't want anyone else to find out because I don't want help.

I am a selfish, fat cow, who doesn't deserve any of the good things I have in my life. I don't deserve my boyfriend, I don't deserve my friends, I don't deserve you amazing readers, I don't fucking deserve to live.

I'm so depressed right now.

Replies!

C: Thank you so much for such an insightful comment; although I will admit, it was so insightful that I can't really use it. I'm not good with being able to control the types of foods I can eat because I still live with my mam - seeing as I'm too young to live on my own. Therefore, I have to make do with what I can, hence why I try my hardest to control the calories that go into my body, and I'm pretty much forced to pay less attention to where they come from. I think this is why when I do restrict when eating, my calorie count is so low, because I try to only eat better foods (which in turn have lower calorie counts). I also think this is why - as well as my fierce quest for thinness - I try to resort to not eating when I'm not restricting. But thanks again for your very informative comment!

fuckED: No, I don't live with my boyfriend, we've only been going out about a month, and he only recently became old enough to actually live independently - I'm still too young, hahaha. I also decided not to tell him about relapsing into my bulimic ways as I'm also trying to stick to Ana, and Mia is only going to be what I turn to whenever I eat and feel guilty; unfortunately, the problem with that is that I feel guilty whenever I eat, so I'm just trying to not eat anything at all because I feel more guilty on top of eating if I purge, because I told those three people I'd stopped. All my scars from self-harm are on either my hips or my thighs, so I can probably keep it hidden until me and my bf start doing more stuff. But if/when it gets to the point when we're having sex etc., then I doubt I'll be able to hide it from him anymore, and I'll have to come clean. I am trying very hard to convince everyone I'm fine, although my bf wants me to see a doctor about my problems (I also think I might be bipolar as well as having the obvious ED), however, I'm standing firm and I refuse to see a doctor. That will just complicate things further. Thank you for the comment as well :)

Twigs Can Fly: I decided not to tell him about relapsing, because he said if I did he would want me to see a doctor or tell someone, and I refuse to do either of those things. I do not want any help, therefore seeking it would be pointless. I couldn't go to the doctor about the blood (if it even was blood), because I'm a minor and I'm fairly sure that means the doctor would be obliged to tell my mam - I can't afford to let that happen. And thank you for the supportive comment, I am indeed trying to live for the better days :)

M-illie: Thank you for awarding me for a Sunshine award, I'm glad that people appreciate and enjoy reading my blog; it makes me happy that I chose to start one in the first place :)

Imperfections: I'm looking forward to my first goal hahaha, despite it currently being a long way off. I'm going to keep working though, so thanks for your support! :)

Sun-Lit~: Thank you to you as well, for also awarding me for a Sunshine award! I'm happy that you think my blog is interesting, balanced, and easy to relate to! And yeah, I was looking around in all the aisles, and I felt so unsafe with all that food there, like I was confused about what to do when I was there. It was a very surreal experience, like I didn't belong there. But thanks for your comment, it was appreciated :)

--

I will get around to awarding my own choices for the Sunshine Award in my next post, because at the minute I just can't decide, hahaha.

Think thin,
xoxo.

Supermarkets are horrendous.

Sorry, comments next time!

Walking through a supermarket with my mam had me fighting back tears. Even I'm half baffled as to why. I think it's something along the lines of: my mam is putting stuff in the trolley and I want it, I want it all, I want to eat and munch and chew my way through the lot, but I can't afford to let myself want any of it at all.

At all.

The sheer terror I felt walking through those aisles was unreal. I'm back to being terrified of food; good thing, bad thing, I can't quite tell at the minute.

So I'm ending today at 307 calories, maybe less. I've had:

- About three quarters of an apple, cut into the most miniscule little cubes I could have managed (~40?)
- 1 cup of tea with two sugars (32)
- 1 tomato Cup-A-Soup (93)
- 1 honey and almond cereal bar type thing (142)

Total: 307.

The cereal bar thing was a treat, not tomorrow, definitely not.

New rule: aim for 300 calories every day, 500 max. Preferably liquids to solids.

Also, I'm going to start paying more attention to the fat content in my foods, aim for no more than 10g a day, max 15g.

I need to be skinnyyyyyyy.

Think thin,
xoxo.

Lies.

I am such a fucking shit girlfriend.

I told him this morning that I thought his theory on me having bipolar disorder was right after I told him about my meltdown in the shower last night (I basically got in the shower and promptly started crying for about half an hour over how fat and horrible I was). Then he got really worried and told me he wanted me to see a doctor, get some help, sort out my issues etc. So what do I do? What do I do to protect my ED, to make sure that I can keep this up for as long as I can?

I lie. I lie through my teeth, a big, fat, barefaced lie.

'I was hormonal, tired, I feel fine today, it was over nothing anyway, at least I'm not relapsing back into old habits...'

The first part I can excuse, because at least that's partially true. Damn T.O.M.

The second part's a half-truth - I was tired, but by the time I went in the shower I wasn't. I was just hazy. You know when you're just walking around, everything feels surreal? Like, everything's a sort of blur because you're so dazed? That's what I was like last night.

Third part's where I started just spouting crap to get him off my case; I felt like shit today.


It was not over nothing, it was because I looked down at myself while I was in the shower, and realised just how fucking fat I am, and then it just hit me how unhappy this actually makes me.

And the last bit, that might just be the biggest lie I've ever told in my life. I've never felt like I've been relapsing as much as I have during the past week or so. I haven't eaten and kept a meal down since Friday. Doesn't sound like very long, but I could feel my eating habits slowly dwindling back down to what they used to be long before that anyway.

Also, he sent me a text the other night saying that he ate loads when he got home, and I just replied with, 'Well tbf, so did I'. He sent back to me, 'As long as you're not puking it back up I don't mind'. Bear in mind, this is probably less than half an hour after I finished sticking my fingers down my throat and bringing it all back up.


I asked him what he'd do if I did. His reply of, 'I'd want you to tell someone, see a doctor, anything. Anything to stop you doing it', prompted another lie. I told him I wasn't doing it anymore, I was just wondering what he'd do.

On another note, anyone who I've sent Wasted to, I'm going to warn you now that it's been a huge trigger for me. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that if I hadn't been reading that recently, all the things I ate over the past two nights would not have been thrown up, and I'd probably have eaten the noodles (176) I'm craving right now (not to mention kept them in my stomach). So if anyone is in recovery, I'm advising you now:

DO NOT READ THIS BOOK.

Yes, it's an amazing book, but a massive trigger.

I know I said my next post would be replying to comments, but I needed to get that all out there. Next one definitely will be, I promise! :)

Think thin,
xoxo.

Tiredddddddddd.

Thankyou so much to anyone who gave me feedback on my last post, my next post will be entirely dedicated to you with responses to the comments you left, but that might be as late as tomorrow because right now I'm tired, my head hurts, my nose hurts because I got my nostril pierced tonight, my throat hurts because I ate just over 800 cals tonight and purged again. All in all, I'm just exhausted right now. I'm seriously debating whether or not to just stick my iPod on and go to sleep.

And it's only half six.

But at the same time, I really want to start getting stuck into photography. It's a hobby I've always wanted to try out because some stuff I've seen online is really quite amazing. I'll see how that goes maybe.

I'm starving tomorrow until as long as I can, I mean it. B&P's won't get me anywhere, I'm just too bloody fat.

Think thin,
xoxo.

What goes in, must come out.

Maybe if I stop saying I'll fast, I'll stop screwing up. That's usually the way things go.

Not the worst binge I've ever had, but possibly the worst purge I've ever done. I'm fairly sure among all the shit that I threw up, I saw blood. That's never happened to me before, ever. Not to mention, I felt horribly guilty because I swore to my best friend, one of my close friends and my boyfriend that I was never going to do it again, I was over it, done, it was the last time...

"Oh don't worry about it, it's been over two months since I've done it. I doubt I'll ever do it again..."

Pah. Yeah Laura, the term, 'big FAT liar' doesn't half sum you up right now.

It's just too bad that the guilt for eating overtook my guilt over doing it again. In fact, it pretty much beat it to a pulp and then stamped on it for good measure.

I'm not eating tomorrow.
Or the next day,
or the next day,
or the next day,
or the next day...

You get the idea.

But now I'm really scared. Like, legit terrified. Not only was I working out how to tell A that I used to cut myself, but now I have to consider how to tell him I did this again.

But I suppose I have to consider whether I'm even going to tell him at all. He once said to me just after I told him I was bulimic in general, that if I ever relapsed he would want me to tell him, and now I have and I don't want to. He also said if it got any worse (which hi, it just did, blood in puke is a badbadbad sign apparently) then I would need to tell someone.

And that thought is one of the scariest I've had in a while.

Any thoughts/advice on what I should do?

Think thin,
xoxo.

Wasted & Wintergirls Downloads!

EDIT: I end the day on 84, I had a skinny latte with 1 sugar (52 + 16 = 68) after the cup of tea with 1 sugar (16), (68 + 16 = 84).

Starting tomorrow I am water fasting for as long as I can, liquid fasting on zero-calorie diet coke when I can't get hold of bottled water. Yes, plan.

-

I'm on 16 today, from a cup of tea. I sprayed & stashed food under my bed this morning so my mam thinks I've been eating. Also, let me say that pretending to eat yogurt (when really you're pouring the entire contents of the pot down the toilet) can turn out to be messy business. Blech. I think I'll stash some more before she gets back from my uncle's house so I get out of dinner tonight too. I think I'm out tomorrow for revision sessions in school, and maybe seeing my boy afterwards, seeing as he text me at half one this morning asking if I wanted to see a film. Bless him, it's a good job I was still awake.

I checked the website for a library in town, and it turns out they have none of the books I want to read except Thin by Grace Bowman, so I'll see if I can get that tomorrow when I'm out. They do stock Second Star to the Right, but it's on loan at the minute, so I'll have to get it some other time.

But anyway, the main reason for this post is because I managed finally to get Wasted by Marya Hornbacher on my computer free, so I can read it, yay! And I got a few comments on my last post asking about where I got Wintergirls.

I can't actually remember because I got it months ago, but I am perfectly willing to email anyone who would like Wasted and Wintergirls on their computer, free of charge. I would upload them to file sharing websites but there's always the chance that they will be deleted because of copyright.

So, if anyone at all wants to read these, comment this post with your email address, or if you're uncomfortable with that, leave another way for me to contact you so I can find out your email another way.

I really do recommend Wintergirls, and from what I've heard, Wasted is also a must-read, so if I were you, I'd take advantage of this, hahaha.

Good god, I sound like an advert for some cheesy product. Yelch.

Think thin ladies,
xoxo.

Boooooooks.

My intake for today is a beautiful, empty, 0. Absolutely nothing. That weird taste's back in my mouth too.

I read the Openers and the first chapter of Wasted by Marya Hornbacher online, and now I really want to finish, but unfortunately I can't find a free way to download it like I did with Wintergirls. I know, downloading stuff is wrong and bad, but I don't want to pay for a downloadable version - there's something about that I just downright object to, even though I don't know what it is or why - and I don't particularly want to buy a hard copy because my mam will wonder what it is, I'll have to tell her, she'll wonder why I'm reading it, worry, pay more attention to me, I'll have to eat, I'll get fatter...

You know the drill. So I'm thinking sometime on Monday, I'll quickly sneak out of the house for about half an hour to go to the library and see what books on EDs I can find, because there are a few I want to read:

Wasted by Marya Hornbacher,
Second Star on the Right by Deborah Hautzig,
Skinny by Ibi Kaslik,
Life-Size by Jenefer Shute,
Good Girls Do Swallow by Rachael Oakes-Ash,
Thin by Grace Bowman,
Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff,
Feeling For Bones by Bethany Pierce.

If anyone has read any of these and recommend any in particular, please tell me which ones I should go for. I know I definitely want Wasted, so try to pick different ones please :)

Bored but empty :)

It's six in the evening, and I've left my room once all day, to go to the bathroom. I'm bored out of my skull, sort of wish I was seeing my boy today. I don't even know why I'm not tbh.

But on the plus side, my mam just stuck her head round my door and asked if I fancied halfing a pepperoni pizza and chips with her later - erm no. I just kept repeatedly shaking my head until she left me alone. I won't eat, I refuse.

I'm going downstairs for seven though, there's a film on telly I want to watch and the living room's the only room with the cinema surround sound. I hope she doesn't stay to watch it with me, I can see my stomach rumbling and her taking that opportunity to shove sickening amounts of food down my throat. I'll have a cup of tea about halfway through if I start craving things.

And for about three hours now, I've had my pro-ana playlist on repeat. Really helping. I have about three quarters of an hour to kill before the film, I think I'll turn my iPod off and sit and read Wintergirls. I love that book unreal amounts, and one day I will be Lia. I will step on the scales and read a double-digit number, and I will never have known happiness like it. I want a thinking session tonight, just sitting in my room, alone, in the dark, thinking.

I'm in a strange mood.
x

Untitled.

I go over 36 hours with no food, then top it off with a binge. Well done Laura, well fucking done.

New epiphany: sleep and stay in my room all day, that way I can avoid food.

On the plus side of life, I've been grinning like an idiot for about 24 hours now because I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time, and he just said it to me when he went off MSN. Yeah I'm corny, who cares, I love him and he makes me happy.

Tomorrow, let the starving begin :)

I feel like I'm getting better.

What a medical contradiction. When I say 'better', I do not mean recovery. Oh no no, I mean I feel like I'm getting better at this, at Ana. I've been away for far too long, she needs to grab me back and fill my veins with her strength, wrap her vines around my too-big thighs and squeeze until there's barely any of me left.

I started watching 'The Karen Carpenter Story' earlier today, but for some reason I couldn't make it past the first ten minutes; I got really shaky, couldn't breathe properly and my heart sped up. From a fucking movie.

I turned it off.

My stomach's going to rumble, you know when you can feel it? I don't want food, I don't need food. And for the first time in far too long, I know I'm not even lying. Thinking about food doesn't make me want to run into the kitchen and gorge myself on everything in sight. It holds no appeal for me.

Fuck it.

I've been awake about two and a half hours. I'm going to have a cup of tea with one sugar (16), and then nothing. Tomorrow, I will have one (16), maybe two (32), and then nothing.

Except oh shit, I'm at town tomorrow night. Alcohol. Shit. There are calories in alcohol. If I stick to three/four pints of cider and black, it'll keep the count just under 1000.

Badbadbaaaaaaaaad.

More reason not to eat though. I'll take as many of those opportunities as I can please.

Also, thankyou for the feedback to my last post about self harm, I feel bad but I'm going to try and keep my cutting from my boyfriend until I can't actually avoid telling him. I just don't want to lose him.

I fail at life.

Just over 1000 calories today. Fast tomorrow, go go go.

Mam's at work again tomorrow for the rest of the week, time for getting back into the routine of hiding food under my bed so it looks like I've eaten it.

I came so very close to telling my boyfriend about my self harm last night, but at the last minute I chickened out and said nothing. I can tell he'll have found out by the end of the holidays, I just know.

I'm scared, so scared of telling him. He already knows I'm messed up from when I told him I was bulimic, I'm terrified that self harm will push him over the edge to go and tell someone. What will I do, what can I do?

Does anyone have any experience with telling someone that they've self harmed? I need help, so badly :(

I'm Back

I haven't weighed in so long; I'm scared to. But on a bright note, today is day #1 of my 18-day holiday from school.

I'm going to start:

- Reading everyone's blogs again,
- Posting daily with my intake or lack thereof,
- Exercising every night again.

I need this back. 18 day liquid fast? Yes I think so.

Also, I think my hit counter's broken, that or I've had over 200,000 views on my blog. Unlikely.

xoxo.