Wednesday, 14 April 2010


I am such a fucking shit girlfriend.

I told him this morning that I thought his theory on me having bipolar disorder was right after I told him about my meltdown in the shower last night (I basically got in the shower and promptly started crying for about half an hour over how fat and horrible I was). Then he got really worried and told me he wanted me to see a doctor, get some help, sort out my issues etc. So what do I do? What do I do to protect my ED, to make sure that I can keep this up for as long as I can?

I lie. I lie through my teeth, a big, fat, barefaced lie.

'I was hormonal, tired, I feel fine today, it was over nothing anyway, at least I'm not relapsing back into old habits...'

The first part I can excuse, because at least that's partially true. Damn T.O.M.

The second part's a half-truth - I was tired, but by the time I went in the shower I wasn't. I was just hazy. You know when you're just walking around, everything feels surreal? Like, everything's a sort of blur because you're so dazed? That's what I was like last night.

Third part's where I started just spouting crap to get him off my case; I felt like shit today.

It was not over nothing, it was because I looked down at myself while I was in the shower, and realised just how fucking fat I am, and then it just hit me how unhappy this actually makes me.

And the last bit, that might just be the biggest lie I've ever told in my life. I've never felt like I've been relapsing as much as I have during the past week or so. I haven't eaten and kept a meal down since Friday. Doesn't sound like very long, but I could feel my eating habits slowly dwindling back down to what they used to be long before that anyway.

Also, he sent me a text the other night saying that he ate loads when he got home, and I just replied with, 'Well tbf, so did I'. He sent back to me, 'As long as you're not puking it back up I don't mind'. Bear in mind, this is probably less than half an hour after I finished sticking my fingers down my throat and bringing it all back up.

I asked him what he'd do if I did. His reply of, 'I'd want you to tell someone, see a doctor, anything. Anything to stop you doing it', prompted another lie. I told him I wasn't doing it anymore, I was just wondering what he'd do.

On another note, anyone who I've sent Wasted to, I'm going to warn you now that it's been a huge trigger for me. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that if I hadn't been reading that recently, all the things I ate over the past two nights would not have been thrown up, and I'd probably have eaten the noodles (176) I'm craving right now (not to mention kept them in my stomach). So if anyone is in recovery, I'm advising you now:


Yes, it's an amazing book, but a massive trigger.

I know I said my next post would be replying to comments, but I needed to get that all out there. Next one definitely will be, I promise! :)

Think thin,


Stewie :) said...

i haven't been able to find this book anywhere, i'm not worried about it triggering me as i'm not in recovery. do you thinmk you could send it to me?