Monday, 12 April 2010

What goes in, must come out.

Maybe if I stop saying I'll fast, I'll stop screwing up. That's usually the way things go.

Not the worst binge I've ever had, but possibly the worst purge I've ever done. I'm fairly sure among all the shit that I threw up, I saw blood. That's never happened to me before, ever. Not to mention, I felt horribly guilty because I swore to my best friend, one of my close friends and my boyfriend that I was never going to do it again, I was over it, done, it was the last time...

"Oh don't worry about it, it's been over two months since I've done it. I doubt I'll ever do it again..."

Pah. Yeah Laura, the term, 'big FAT liar' doesn't half sum you up right now.

It's just too bad that the guilt for eating overtook my guilt over doing it again. In fact, it pretty much beat it to a pulp and then stamped on it for good measure.

I'm not eating tomorrow.
Or the next day,
or the next day,
or the next day,
or the next day...

You get the idea.

But now I'm really scared. Like, legit terrified. Not only was I working out how to tell A that I used to cut myself, but now I have to consider how to tell him I did this again.

But I suppose I have to consider whether I'm even going to tell him at all. He once said to me just after I told him I was bulimic in general, that if I ever relapsed he would want me to tell him, and now I have and I don't want to. He also said if it got any worse (which hi, it just did, blood in puke is a badbadbad sign apparently) then I would need to tell someone.

And that thought is one of the scariest I've had in a while.

Any thoughts/advice on what I should do?

Think thin,
xoxo.

7 comments:

C said...

hey,
i think you can forgive yourself for throwing up & for cutting... throwing up is known in yoga & is done in a ritual way... cutting is done in chinese medicine... I'm struggling to get so that I'm just not addicted to the eating that necessitates the purging in the first place. (I use enemas though a LOT less than i used to [like 1-2x pw now whereas it used 1-2 x per day] because I got the eating under control (by really hard soul-searching, ugh , and it isn't over /finally under control... I've merely achieved raw food only diet (though am shaky on it mentally lately, fantasizing of froyo, horrror... I need real help with that... i don't want to slip/relapse... ) ... I am trying to fast, too... it is actualy, I am convinced, the healthiest thing for me. But if I am not using a nontriggering diet, I think that makes fasting harder... so i have to get willing to use a totally nontriggering (non-tempting) diet... ugh ugh ugh. ... I really need help with that.... fasting itself helps get me off the desire for tempting foods. If you would like a fasting buddy, please email me, lcathf@gmail.com; one thing is I am probably a lot older than you, but I find I feel at home in pro ana because it is rather more honest than fasting sites and I actually truly believe ana is really healthy and not to be feared... hope you don't think that is strange. One thing I do believe, which is kind of a downer, though, -- very sober -type thought --a hard truth to resign myself to -- is that the only way out of this suffering for me (& my suffering HAS gotten less as my diet has improved) , the only way out is to be "food-sober --" to stop getting high on food, to stop eating heavy meals/binges, to strictly limit the size of my meals, and to get so that I really tryuly regularly fast, and without bingeing before or after.

Having said that, I am about to go "start a fast " with a heavy meal.. I think.. or I am sorely tempted... I HAVE for the first time in my life lately succeeded in , for many days in a row, several times (then I have slipped) , but succeeded in for many days in a row, limiting meal size to 400 calories, and spacing my meals apart by 2 hours per 100 calories -- so if I eat 300 cals I have to wait 6 hours to eat again, for example. And to make this possible my diet has to be very very "sober." Amazingly, doing this makes me more able to fast, though you might think otherwise. Well, i hope to hear from you for being fasting buddies, if you are interested! The "sober" diet is surprisingly easy to get used to .. you probably know what foods for you are non-tempting/"sober." It's no fun, at first, but it's healthy, and it will make me well, if I can commit to it... sending lots of love and support your way -- L.

fuckED said...

um... personally I wouldn't tell anyone. I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one out there with this problem. I am living with my boyfriend and its so hard! So hard that I've actually gained weight instead of losing it. My weight has gone up an down over the years, but I promised my boyfriend and my family that I would not cut or purge anymore. I had decided in my head that I was going to be strictly anorexic. Anywho, my bf gets soooooo pissed whenever he finds out I relapsed into old behaviors. Do you live with your boyfriend? If not, I would hide it. Don't tell him and try to work things out yourself and through your blog. For me, I don't get the desire to purge unless I eat a lot. If I restrict then I'm ok keeping that little bit of food inside me. That's what I am struggling to maintain since there is no way in hell I can purge in the bathroom I share with my bf. As long as you haven't cut, there is no way for him to find out what you have been doing unless you tell.The cutting is the really tricky one. I've tried everywhere on my body, but my bf always seems to find them when I'm off my guard or he gets horny :) I always find it helpful to look up medical stuff online and reassure myself that I can handle things on my own. Involving people who don't want your ED around complicates things (I have a lot of experience with things being complicated if you ever want to share) and then you'll never reach what is really going to make you happy: being thin :)

Twigs Can Fly said...

It's okay y'know. Every one makes mistakes!

If you're that worried about whether or not to tell him, I'd suggest going to the doctors first. Just explain that you are a recovering bulimic, and you would like to know the seriousness of blood coming up.

Then with whatever the doctor tells you, you can decide whether or not to tell him that it's happened this once.

I won't lie and say it'll be okay, cause no one knows - but I will say that there's going to be better days as well as worse days. Live for the better days.

~Twigs.
xx.

cheeky-cherry said...

Hey C, that sober diet sounds good. How do you do it? What are you eating thats sober? Never really thought about "sober" as a word for that before. I'll join you Good Luck and Stay strong xxx

C said...

Hi, cheeky cherry, thanks 4 yr comment, just writing from my phone 2
let u kno i got the message n will write shortly! GREAT 2 Hear frm u
, how r u doing? I M Ok 2day n starting a progressive fasting
program, hope it works 2 finally heal/detox me/make me well n
strong... AM so tired of being food addicted. RIght now begins a 2
day fast. I WIll be OK! Calling a friend now... How are you doing?
WRite if u want n i will write more abt sober diet l8er. It s
basically just easing off binge foods w/ a commitnent nOt 2 go back on
them... 2 the extent that this dz not make u panic n binge... It s a
bit tricky... Sometimes its gd just 2 fast if u can n not set rulz 4
eating , just let the fast take the cravings away nstead of trying 2
coMmit 2 a lifestyle change... THAT SAID, i have done a raw-foods-only diet for 2 yrs
now. 1 GOod method is 2 comm it 2 a substitute 4 each binge food. see further comments below! :) xo

C said...

If your substitute is a raw food, so much the better. Be prepared when you eat raw foods to be very forcibly prevented from overeating. When you eat raw you really feel the pain if you overdo it. This , I feel , is because raw foods do not "beat up" the body as processed foods can. So the body is not incapacitated in its ability to protest against what you are doing if you overeat.
But as long as you are not scared to stop overeating (I really have been, for complicated reasons) all this is easier than u might think. ... For me i'ts all about health and these tips and tricks are all just about getting myself into a real practice of fasting, which I know is the way back to health for me... as hard as that is for our society to understand, since it doesn't really know about fasting. But I honestly believe in the safety and healthfulness of fasting, despite it might make me very thin, at least for a time.. I am thin, so fasting scares me. But it need not. I sincerely believe this. I have done a ton of reading and research and I have experienced fasting myself. I haven't yet succeeded in bringing to bear enough fasting in my life to really turn my health around, but I WILL -- and I feel I could do it now! As far as my fears about fasting/getting thinner than I am: I trust that (1) our society is very over-neurotic in its fear of thinness (2) and it is sometimes necessary as a side effect, to lose weight from a healing process (fasting), (3) fasting will take me to a level of health where I will NOT be craving to eat more than is Ok with me, and so I will continue to have wellness after fasting, since I won't be hurting myself by overeating (4) after the fasting/healing process my body will adjust itself to whatever weight it needs to be and that will moreover be at a level of thinness which I am truly satisfied with.

C said...

(comment contnued) (5) also I sincerely believe that this detox/fasting process is absolutely necessary for me to get back my health, which I have ruined by decades of getting high on food -- by years and years of just eating more than is Ok with me.. this process just really damaged my dignity, and my self-esteem (betraying myself every day).... I know I am doing the right thing because as soon as I committed wholeheartedly to this progressive fasting program that I described, (I am doing a pattern of fast 1 day eat 1 day fast 2 days eat 2 days fast 3 days eat 3 days etc., maybe up to 10 days... do you want to join? I am in the middle of the 2-day fast right now. it is hell but I know it will get easier and I will really get healthy from this process...) -- as soon as I really committed to this process -- and I got help by going to AA meetings and determining that I would just say I was an addict and just be really careful about what I told people & I decided I would count my days on this fasting program in AA like the alcoholics count their days sober from alcohol... hence my use of the term "sober" to describe what I am trying to do with the food... I have no moral problem doing this partial self-concealment in AA since I am legitimately an addict and know I am doing the right thing for myself -- anyway , attending AA helped bolster me into this commitment to this fasting program (which, believe me, is new for me!! ) as soon as I got committed to this fasting plan, as I was saying, I suddenly felt much better about everything in my life. Just trying to stay on the fasts now. it is really hard. Would love any support. By the way -- as regards the eating in between fasts, I found that in order to motivate myself to do the fasts, I had to ease up on the rules. Of course I am still doing raw foods only, but I had to just not set limits on meal size. At first I had crazily oparge meals -- 1500 calories, tehn 1300 calories. But then the meal size got down to 900 or so calories. Still too big but a big improvement. after this 2-day fast I just want to really naturally let my meals get smaller, by obeying my own body's signals of its limits. I will require myself to have less than 900 calories at a sitting. i can't relapse. I could even commit, now, to eating a quite small quantity, and therefore not suffering afterward and not being dysfunctional (in bed all day) and not aging myself. I guess I could commit to doing no more than say 600 or 500 calories at once. Actually, I want to commit to about 400 calories at once, maximum, since I get the signal from my body that that is what it limit is. It is really so all about health. It is really so not even a pride issue any more, NOT that there is anything wrong with pride issues, since they are healthy to have, despite what our food-addicted society tells us, I believe. ...I shiver a little about actually limiting my calories to 400 max. per meal -- it just seems like I will have an emotional need to "use" on the food, more than 400 calories allows. BUT: and I thought and hoped this would happen -- the fasting I think is bringing me to a state in which I just cannot beat up my body any more, just have to STOP eating more than my body can handle. ... i could even commit to waiting 2 hours after eating to eat again, I mean, 2 hours per 100 cals. jsut eaten, therefore after a 400 cal meal wait 8 hours. This works for me and lets me function well, doesn't overwhelm my (damaged ) body. XO ... do e-mail me if you like!!! lcathf@gmail.com