Tuesday, 20 April 2010

:'(

The bf knows about the self harm. I told him (and showed him) when we were both drunk on Saturday night, even though I was completely wasted and he was nowhere near as bad, and it's just my fucking luck that he remembers.

I did it again last night after stopping for about two months, and tonight he decides to bring it up on MSN. And he makes me feel like the scum of the earth at times like this because he's saying all this stuff about how he thinks I'd never do it again, when I asked why he thought that, he said that he thought if I did, it would be because the bulimia had started again or something and he doesn't think that will happen either.

It's only been a week since that last happened, and he doesn't know. I cut last night and he doesn't know. I feel absolutely shit for not telling him, but he puts me on a pedestal, he thinks I'm all healthy and mentally stable again, and I don't want to let him down, I don't want him to worry, but most of all I don't want anyone else to find out because I don't want help.

I am a selfish, fat cow, who doesn't deserve any of the good things I have in my life. I don't deserve my boyfriend, I don't deserve my friends, I don't deserve you amazing readers, I don't fucking deserve to live.

I'm so depressed right now.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

I often feel the same
Cheer up, your bf isn't your life, you are :)
I posted on your post about wintergirls and wasted
And if you haven't seen it yet its just me saying I love your blog and that I would love if you could email me the books at nine-one-zero@live.com
Thanks,
Get happy soon xxx

ThinspireMe said...

I think we all, at times, feel like we are letting the people that we love down in some way. The reality is, you can't make everyone happy, and coming to terms with the fact that you are going to let other people down - its hard. But as long as you do what makes YOU happy - thats what is most important!
I love you blog!!! xoxo

Anonymous said...

hey, ive been reading your blogs for a while. i really dont know why im writing all of this down but i showed my friend these blogs because i personally believe that theyre great. but now shes like breathing down my neck 24/7, making and watching me scarf down a lot of disgusting, fattening foods.shes doesnt know this, but im a follower of ana.so now with her, watching my every step, i cant not eat. and hey-dont let ur bf bother you, he doesnt understand anything that ur going through, as long as ur happy, thats wat matters.
best wishes,
lynn

Bethany said...

I've been reading through some of your blog. It sucks when people think and expect you to be fine and perfect, when you're not and you can't explain to them why. I have never defined myself as a pro-ana, although I had anorexia and bulimia and am now in recovery. I also was a cutter. I am not ashamed of anything that I did; I embrace it as part of who I was and what made me who I am.

I know the dark places, the self-hatred, the lack of acceptance from others, the Hell, intimately. You are not alone. And you can make it through.

Much love, beautiful girl.

Anonymous said...

The Quest for Perfection is hard and long...... But you can do it..... I love your blog...... Keep sharing....

JulietReine said...

You deserve everything, just remember that. I cut, too, and I understand you don't want help. What can others do for you anyway? Stay strong - you are beautiful.

IamGrace said...

i feel like that sometimes and i go on and off eatting and not next time you feel unhappy think about who oves you and whats was happpy in you life i know alot of people love you and care for you and i know alot of things were awsome in you life

Anonymous said...

Yeah well I'm anorexic and I'm being worked on by so many people and it is terrible. They are forcing me to eat, and I feel like shit all the time. I cut too, and I throw up. I'm just a mess and no one knows how I feel except for you all. Nice to know someone is going through this too. I don't want help either.

Anonymous said...

Hey I'm EviĆ  just to let you know that you've been linked in my pro Ana blog on tumblr, your in the top ten eating disorder blogs section.
The blogs name is: *.*__Fatally Attracted - Borderline Addicted__*.*

Anonymous said...

Hello. I havenever really been on these sites before but am thinking that some of these mantras & golden rules to eating may just save me from becoming revoltingly fat. For the last year I have been doing my apprenticeship as a chef and have put on so much weight. How do I begin the jorney for weight loss? I would love to have an internet buddy to help me through and give me thindperation. I feel so depressed with my weight that I don't leave the house unless I am working. Help!!! Food surrounds me :(