Weekend Recap.

Friday: School. The heartwrenching Facebook conversation is not talked about or referred to, although I thought my heart stopped in my last lesson of the day because one of my friends went,

"Let's hope there'll be no puking this weekend!"
Ohmygod. Panic, fear, worry.
G (my best friend & the girl I had the Facebook conversation with), looks at me out of the corner of her eye. I know what she's thinking.
It suddenly clicks what the other friend was talking about; she was going out drinking with me that night.
Phew.

Friday night:

Drunk. I don't count calories in alcohol because it's usually the only calories I have all day. We were all in one bar until about eleven, then somehow we ended up in this little pizza place in town that I have never seen before in my life and probably can never find my way back to (yes, I was that drunk). According to one of my friends I kept whinging about how I wasn't going to eat any of the pizza they bought because there was too many calories, so I sat on the floor next to the table in my intoxicated state.

How long did that last? All of five minutes, and then I had a slice. Just one, but god it was incredible. Half eleven I got picked up by my mam, then when I got home I took one step into my house and threw up everywhere. Would I have been sick if I hadn't eaten that stupid slice of pizza? I can only wonder.

Mam was not happy with me. She knew I was going to be drinking (albeit begrudgingly considering my age), but she was still pretty pissed off.

Saturday:

Hungover. Baaaaaaaaaaaadly hungover. In fact, I woke up still drunk off the night before. Maybe I wouldn't have been so bad if I'd eaten before I drank (I actually hadn't eaten a thing since Tuesday night).

Anyway, hungover-Laura eats. I don't like her because she eats without counting the calories and she uses the hangover as an excuse for any binges. The logic doesn't even work.

So I ate pretty much normally yesterday, ew. (It didn't actually turn into a binge, because I didn't feel out of control when I was eating.) After my dinner at about half six last night (~500?) I really considered purging, but then I remembered I'd promised G (my best friend) that I'd stopped my bulimic ways just before Christmas, because her and C (the girl who originally found out) are seriously worried about me.

So, no purge. No purge = onslaught of guilt.

Onslaught of guilt disappears when Andrew admits he likes me. YAY. He still didn't ask me out, but I'm working on that.

Because guess what? Another night out drinking looks like it's on the cards for this Friday too! This will be the third Friday in a row I'll be getting wasted, but hopefully the first one that Andrew turns up to, because he successfully avoided the previous two (much to my disappointment). Anyway, if he does go, hopefully something will happen between us. Wow, I'm grinning like an idiot just thinking about it!

After Friday and yesterday, my weight when I woke up was 128.6, which is FAR too high for my liking, but good considering I thought it would be way higher. I'm prepared for another fast though, which is great.

I'm rereading Wintergirls (lovelovelove that book), and today I've had a cup of tea with one sugar (16).

Starving feels easy again. There's no desire to eat, and yesterday was a testament that even when I do, I feel back in control.

BYE BYE BINGING.

Emotional Wreck.

I'm a mess, an emotional wreck.

One of the girls who found out about my bulimic habits told my best friend, and we just had a really long conversation about it on Facebook. She started off by saying 'We need to talk :/' and as soon as she told me that she knew, I completely broke down.

It was like I'd lost who I was. I was confused, upset, shocked, scared - no, scratch that - terrified. What was I going to do?

I didn't even reply for about half an hour because I just sat there, curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out until my face was black with eyeliner and mascara and I didn't have it in me to cry anymore.

She says she's worried.
I cry.
She says she's scared.
I cry more.
She says she knew I'd lost too much weight.

At this, I bawl and almost wish I could die.

Because I didn't lose too much/she didn't say anything/I'm still fat/I can never lose enough.

I might skip school tomorrow, I don't know if I can handle seeing these two girls again without sobbing.

i don't know who i am anymore < / 3

Thoughts of a Disordered Mind.

Two sugars.
One. +16
Two. +16

Thirty two. Small, miniscule, tiny.

I want to be tiny.

Two sugars (32), stir/stir/stir, now quick/fast/run, get out of there.

Red alert red alert.

Strawberry tarts/white bread buns/blue packets of chicken noodles/chocolate bars/cheese and onion crisps/pizza dripping with tomato sauce.

Disgust/panic/escape.

Run away with your tea, don't look back. Deodorant for emergencies.

Calories are nasty; they make stomachs bulge and thighs wobble and bums swell and eyes leak when they look in the mirror.

You've gained/get rid of it.

You deserve nothing/no-one/except Ana.

She loves you. You left her - nasty, cruel, heartless - but she's flying back, fighting with you against the frenemy/food.

*Flying because she's lighter than air; double figures = beautiful. Bones are expensive porcelain only for the elite. Food is for the weak, destroy it not yourself.*

Don't leave her again because she might not come back this time; even Andrew couldn't fill that hole.

He hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend (yet?). You're too fat - ugly rings of flab encase your true potential. The beauty's inside; you just haven't reached it yet.

Andrew is apparently two stone underweight. ilovehim.

I want to be two stone underweight.

It's OK, Ana will help.

I feel the workings of change; I feel like I'm back at that time when I was empty for over two weeks. Strong safe secure.

You can do that again.

Don't weigh now, you're not empty unless you've strayed from food for over three days - live by this rule. Weigh on Saturday, report back with findings.

if you don't ask me soon, i don't know what i'll do < / 3

Panic.

Me and alcohol are not a good mix.
Friday night I told several friends I'd gone 16 days without food.
I also told them I was bulimic.

Oh god...

Love?

I'm back down to 126.6!
HUZZAH.

How can you tell when you're in love?
I think I'm falling for Andrew.
Hard.
♥

A Blip.

YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK.

Unacceptable. Disgusting. PATHETIC.

It was a blip, not a failure, a BLIP. One minor speed bump, and it's smooth sailing again from tomorrow onwards!

Problem with ABC on Saturday I think, my friend asked me and several others to go around her house to stay on Saturday night for her birthday. It will be empty save for us, and just like Friday night, there will be a LOT of alcohol consumption. I can lie and say I ate before I left my house but still, what can I do about ABC? Hmmm.

I find it funny that I'm talking about drinking all this alcohol and I'm not even the legal age, hahaha :')

Potential stupid question: is it still a fast if you drink alcohol but don't eat anything? 'Cause if it's still technically fasting, I think I'll attempt fasting until next Monday and starting ABC then.

Yeah, I will do that. It's the second day of fasts I'm having problems with...

BUCK IT UP FFS.

Ramblings.

Hey you. Fat girl.
Yeah, you, the fat girl in the mirror.
Stop eating.

Once again, I feel like I'm letting everyone down by eating so much! Last night was awful; a little while after my mam asked if I wanted some pizza and I said no, she went to bed and I went downstairs to watch a film on TV. I went into the kitchen for some diet pepsi, and oh look, very strategically placed 3 slices of leftover pizza. I made it about halfway through the film and then off I went. I ate them.

But did I stop there? Oh no, no I didn't. Full on binge occurred then, with no opportunity to purge because my mam was in bed and would have heard me. Thankfully, unlike most of my previous binges, I didn't wake up this morning with the stomach of a pregnant woman - I still looked (fat) almost like I did pre-binge. MIRACLE.

And then today, I went downstairs for a cup of tea (32), and OH LOOK LOOK LOOK, a box of assorted chocolate biscuits on the table. Thanks mam, YOU SUCK.

But it's OK! I didn't eat any of them! In fact, I did something even I consider weird: I reached in and took a milk chocolate finger - which smelled absolutely fabulous by the way - grabbed some kitchen roll and a cigarette lighter and returned upstairs to my room, where I proceeded to burn the chocolate finger with the lighter. Um, what?

I'm going to tell you now, the smell was quite disgusting. It officially put me off eating it, and then I wrapped the finger in the kitchen roll, sprayed it numerous times with deodorant and shoved it under my bed with my other plastic bags of uneaten food.

I can tell what you're thinking: wow, that's messed up!, or something along those lines. But it worked, so whatever.

On a different note, I think I've worked out one of the reasons behind my binging. If I spend my night in my room (I don't go out on a night - haha, loser - because all my friends live ages away from me. Ugh) then I'm about 99% less likely to eat than if I stay downstairs. I don't even know why it is, but that seems to be the case.

New rule: only go downstairs for very brief periods of time and stay OUT of the kitchen until back upstairs. Then you can have tea.

And it's a long time since I've mentioned Andrew, I think. Most of my friends are convinced that he likes me (as in, like like, lol) and I'm fairly sure I like him too. But we're both pretty shy people and don't really know how to go about getting to that next stage. I'm actually thinking of asking him to come to the gig thing on Friday night when I'll be completely off my face, which will pretty much guarantee that something will happen between us. Hmm, I'll have to consult my best friend, she's an expert on boys. Unlike stupid naive me, LOL.

Stay strong and think thin girls,
xoxo.

Pizza?

No mam, I do not want any of your stupid 140-cal per slice pepperoni pizza, so you can take it and SHOVE IT. Maybe I wouldn't be in such a shit mood if you hadn't been ignoring me ALL FUCKING DAY. The thing that happened last night is over and done with, so get over it and MOVE ON.

GOD I'M SO ANGRY.

Oh, I got my period today (sorry if that's TMI for some of you) so I have proven that friend wrong. Ha. That's just another excuse to not weigh because it'll affect the number, plus it'll probably still be too high for my liking anyway. Ugh, FML.

Day 2 of my fast (I did fuck up Thursday night) and I've had 48 cals worth of tea. People usually say it's easier to fast when you're in a good mood, but for me it's the other way around. If I'm angry or depressed - or any other 'negative' emotion - I find it a lot easier to starve than if I'm happy. Odd.

But hey, I'm not complaining :)

Think thin ladies,
xoxo.

Oh Dear.

Well tonight's been interesting. If you're not on Facebook, I'm going to warn you: it can be responsible for a lot of shit going around. One little comment gets blown out of proportion, people tell parents, parents tell your parents who are then super pissed at you for this little thing that might not even be true, and then everything goes to shambles.

Ilovethedrama/excitement/scandalthatcomeswithit.

The whole ordeal has put me in such a bad mood, because of course I was blamed for the entire fucking thing, that tonight there isn't even a desire to eat. One 32-calorie cup of tea has kept me going through the whole thing.

And another benefit is that hopefully my mam will be so pissed at me that she won't notice/mind/care that I'm not eating. I love when things work out to my advantage! And I'm going out tomorrow so I can lie and say I ate while out :)

Stay strong & think thin,
xoxo.

More Planning.

Thankyou so much for supportive comments, they are really appreciated :)

OK, yet another change of plans. ABC is not starting tomorrow; I am fasting until next Friday, then I'm going out Friday night to town with some friends and I am getting well and truly wasted. I'm going to have one night where I'm not busy counting calories in alcohol, I'm just going to be getting drinks and downing them at every available opportunity until I can barely walk. That should be easy because it will all go straight to my head because my stomach will be emptyyyyyyyyyyy.

Ilovethatwordempty.

So that means no food until next Saturday, when I will be starting ABC. The main reason I'm postponing it and fasting until then is that I can't remember a time I was more terrified of the scales than now. I do not want to weigh myself because the number will make me want to die, so hopefully after 7/8 days of ZERO food zero/zero/zero I will be a lot lighter.

Sounds like a plan. YOU CAN DO THIS. Positive thinking, GO GO GO.

I ran 5 and a half miles in half an hour on the Wii Fit last night, repeat performance please?

Stay strong my lovely skinny girls,
xoxo.

A brief personal history, plans & ABC.

I fasted yesterday and most of today. Because I suck, I messed up, BAD BAD BAD. I hate posting after a bad day because I feel so terrible that I'm letting you all down. It's not just the eating thing either, I have another confession to make.

I started cutting again. And not only that, it's getting worse. I only cut my hips now because my scissors are too awkward to maneouvre to cut my thigh, and it's easier to cut my hip obviously because of the bone. Anyway, when I'd previously cut my hips, it would sting a little during the next day and bleed a little after I'd just done it. This time, the cuts bled for hours after I'd done them, and I had to sleep with tissues stuffed into the waistband of my underwear. It's also two days later and they still hurt.

But you know what? I'm going to do it again later. I don't know if anyone else has had this happen, but if I cut, I'm a hell of a lot less likely to eat the next day - is that just me? And if it's going to get down to the point where I'm either cutting or eating, I'd rather cut. I don't hate myself afterwards, I feel better. So I'm sorry that one of my New Year's Resolutions is down the toilet, but I'm afraid you'll have to live with it.

I haven't had a period since November, and oddly, I didn't even notice. Me and my friends are really close, so we can talk about that kind of thing without it being weird, and one of my friends said that if your periods stop, it's possibly because you're not eating properly. And you know what she did?

She fucking looked at me. Like, not just a quick coincidental glance, a pointed look. As if to say, 'So if YOUR periods stop, don't be surprised.'

Perhaps I'd better explain. I mentioned way back in September that I've had issues with eating for a long while, and as far as I can remember it started when I was about twelve/thirteen. Don't get me wrong, I thought I was fat for a very long time before even that, but being very young I loved eating too much to do anything about it - plus family and friends told me I was being stupid and I foolishly believed them.

Anyway, me and my best friend at the time were short on money for Christmas presents, and so we decided to not go to the school canteen for dinner and save up our dinner money to buy presents. Problem was, I didn't go back to getting dinner for most of the remainder of that year (Year Eight in secondary school) or even after me and that girl stopped talking (for good).

The summer in between Year Eight and Nine I ate a hell of a lot less than I normally did, my diet consisted basically of water, soup and apples for at least the first couple of weeks of the holidays. But during the actual school year, I went back to eating dinner normally, except instead of eating from school, I brought in either soup or noodles in a flask. I can't even remember the summer between Year Nine and Ten.

Year Ten was when I got really bad. About November time, I gave up eating solids altogether except for cough sweets. At this point, my mam and grandparents were beginning to get concerned and suspicious and so I started eating soup to keep them happy. This lasted about a month and then I switched cough sweets for mints and started eating dinner on a night again. By summer of that year I was almost back to 'normal'. I didn't eat dinner on a lunchtime, but I was used to that. My new friends accepted it and now they don't find it weird or even alarming - it's just who I am. In fact, when my friends and I did secret Santa this Christmas, the girl who got me gave me several things including four boxes of Tic Tacs as a joke. Needless to say, my mam didn't quite get it but whatever.

This year is going to be different; I'm going to undergo a complete makeover. I'm quite known for having very long hair (almost down to my enormous backside) and I'm getting it cut down to just below my shoulders and getting a full fringe put in next week. Mid-February me and a friend have plans to go to town and get our belly buttons pierced (115 by then - c'mon!). And since it's my last year in compulsory education this year, I have to think about college or sixth form for the autumn. I was dead set on leaving my school but now I'm beginning to reconsider and I'm seriously thinking about staying on in the sixth form to do my A Levels. Whatever the case, when I come back in the autumn I want people to see how skinny I've gotten, I want my hair dyed a very sexy dark purple-ish colour and I won't eat a thing in sight.

Just thought I'd let you all know that I'm starting ABC tomorrow - wish me luck! Hopefully this will stop my stupid incessant binging.

EDIT: Never mind, I'm fasting tomorrow, starting ABC on Friday so that I can be empty when I get my starting weight :)

Think thin ladies,
xoxo.

It's no wonder you're a fat failure for fuck's sake. Where has all your control gone, your ability to not be tempted by food for over two weeks?

This time you cannot eat, THAT IS IT. No excuses, no starting over the next day, FINISHED.

YOU WILL NOT EAT.
YOU WILL NOT EAT.
YOU WILL NOT.
FUCKING.
EAT.

Everything you take from the kitchen, you spray with deodorant and shove it under your bed. You won't eat it, NO YOU WILL NOT.

You've been fucking up BIG TIME lately, but it's school again tomorrow and the routine will be back, no exceptions to this one simple rule:

YOU WILL NOT EAT.

Your weight at the minute is appalling, you FAT FAT failure. You've been invited out on the 22nd - good for you, right?

WRONG.

You absolutely CANNOT go if you are not at a new low weight by then. That gives you ten/eleven days to drop 5/6 pounds. GET FUCKING TO IT AND STOP MESSING UP.

You do not want to eat.
You hate eating.
Therefore you aren't going to eat until you pass out.

You aren't allowed tea anymore, that is your punishment. It's water or nothing from now on.

Waste away. Self destruct.

Do anything but eat!