Wednesday, 13 January 2010

A brief personal history, plans & ABC.

I fasted yesterday and most of today. Because I suck, I messed up, BAD BAD BAD. I hate posting after a bad day because I feel so terrible that I'm letting you all down. It's not just the eating thing either, I have another confession to make.

I started cutting again. And not only that, it's getting worse. I only cut my hips now because my scissors are too awkward to maneouvre to cut my thigh, and it's easier to cut my hip obviously because of the bone. Anyway, when I'd previously cut my hips, it would sting a little during the next day and bleed a little after I'd just done it. This time, the cuts bled for hours after I'd done them, and I had to sleep with tissues stuffed into the waistband of my underwear. It's also two days later and they still hurt.

But you know what? I'm going to do it again later. I don't know if anyone else has had this happen, but if I cut, I'm a hell of a lot less likely to eat the next day - is that just me? And if it's going to get down to the point where I'm either cutting or eating, I'd rather cut. I don't hate myself afterwards, I feel better. So I'm sorry that one of my New Year's Resolutions is down the toilet, but I'm afraid you'll have to live with it.

I haven't had a period since November, and oddly, I didn't even notice. Me and my friends are really close, so we can talk about that kind of thing without it being weird, and one of my friends said that if your periods stop, it's possibly because you're not eating properly. And you know what she did?

She fucking looked at me. Like, not just a quick coincidental glance, a pointed look. As if to say, 'So if YOUR periods stop, don't be surprised.'

Perhaps I'd better explain. I mentioned way back in September that I've had issues with eating for a long while, and as far as I can remember it started when I was about twelve/thirteen. Don't get me wrong, I thought I was fat for a very long time before even that, but being very young I loved eating too much to do anything about it - plus family and friends told me I was being stupid and I foolishly believed them.

Anyway, me and my best friend at the time were short on money for Christmas presents, and so we decided to not go to the school canteen for dinner and save up our dinner money to buy presents. Problem was, I didn't go back to getting dinner for most of the remainder of that year (Year Eight in secondary school) or even after me and that girl stopped talking (for good).

The summer in between Year Eight and Nine I ate a hell of a lot less than I normally did, my diet consisted basically of water, soup and apples for at least the first couple of weeks of the holidays. But during the actual school year, I went back to eating dinner normally, except instead of eating from school, I brought in either soup or noodles in a flask. I can't even remember the summer between Year Nine and Ten.

Year Ten was when I got really bad. About November time, I gave up eating solids altogether except for cough sweets. At this point, my mam and grandparents were beginning to get concerned and suspicious and so I started eating soup to keep them happy. This lasted about a month and then I switched cough sweets for mints and started eating dinner on a night again. By summer of that year I was almost back to 'normal'. I didn't eat dinner on a lunchtime, but I was used to that. My new friends accepted it and now they don't find it weird or even alarming - it's just who I am. In fact, when my friends and I did secret Santa this Christmas, the girl who got me gave me several things including four boxes of Tic Tacs as a joke. Needless to say, my mam didn't quite get it but whatever.

This year is going to be different; I'm going to undergo a complete makeover. I'm quite known for having very long hair (almost down to my enormous backside) and I'm getting it cut down to just below my shoulders and getting a full fringe put in next week. Mid-February me and a friend have plans to go to town and get our belly buttons pierced (115 by then - c'mon!). And since it's my last year in compulsory education this year, I have to think about college or sixth form for the autumn. I was dead set on leaving my school but now I'm beginning to reconsider and I'm seriously thinking about staying on in the sixth form to do my A Levels. Whatever the case, when I come back in the autumn I want people to see how skinny I've gotten, I want my hair dyed a very sexy dark purple-ish colour and I won't eat a thing in sight.

Just thought I'd let you all know that I'm starting ABC tomorrow - wish me luck! Hopefully this will stop my stupid incessant binging.

EDIT: Never mind, I'm fasting tomorrow, starting ABC on Friday so that I can be empty when I get my starting weight :)

Think thin ladies,


Anonymous said...

wow! That's a drastic haircut! I did that too, it feels strange but so much lighter! :P I think you will suit it. Good luck! Yu cartainly have the best will power out of all the people I know! Don't worry too much. stay strong!

Aimee said...

Good luck in the ABC. I think that will work out for you.
Your make-over plans sound perfect, I'm dying my hair too.
Ignore the friend who stared at you, I love to stare at people when they stare at me until they look away. Get really skinny and then see the look on her face! Priceless :)
Stay strong x