Ramblings.

Hey you. Fat girl.
Yeah, you, the fat girl in the mirror.
Stop eating.

Once again, I feel like I'm letting everyone down by eating so much! Last night was awful; a little while after my mam asked if I wanted some pizza and I said no, she went to bed and I went downstairs to watch a film on TV. I went into the kitchen for some diet pepsi, and oh look, very strategically placed 3 slices of leftover pizza. I made it about halfway through the film and then off I went. I ate them.

But did I stop there? Oh no, no I didn't. Full on binge occurred then, with no opportunity to purge because my mam was in bed and would have heard me. Thankfully, unlike most of my previous binges, I didn't wake up this morning with the stomach of a pregnant woman - I still looked (fat) almost like I did pre-binge. MIRACLE.

And then today, I went downstairs for a cup of tea (32), and OH LOOK LOOK LOOK, a box of assorted chocolate biscuits on the table. Thanks mam, YOU SUCK.

But it's OK! I didn't eat any of them! In fact, I did something even I consider weird: I reached in and took a milk chocolate finger - which smelled absolutely fabulous by the way - grabbed some kitchen roll and a cigarette lighter and returned upstairs to my room, where I proceeded to burn the chocolate finger with the lighter. Um, what?

I'm going to tell you now, the smell was quite disgusting. It officially put me off eating it, and then I wrapped the finger in the kitchen roll, sprayed it numerous times with deodorant and shoved it under my bed with my other plastic bags of uneaten food.

I can tell what you're thinking: wow, that's messed up!, or something along those lines. But it worked, so whatever.

On a different note, I think I've worked out one of the reasons behind my binging. If I spend my night in my room (I don't go out on a night - haha, loser - because all my friends live ages away from me. Ugh) then I'm about 99% less likely to eat than if I stay downstairs. I don't even know why it is, but that seems to be the case.

New rule: only go downstairs for very brief periods of time and stay OUT of the kitchen until back upstairs. Then you can have tea.

And it's a long time since I've mentioned Andrew, I think. Most of my friends are convinced that he likes me (as in, like like, lol) and I'm fairly sure I like him too. But we're both pretty shy people and don't really know how to go about getting to that next stage. I'm actually thinking of asking him to come to the gig thing on Friday night when I'll be completely off my face, which will pretty much guarantee that something will happen between us. Hmm, I'll have to consult my best friend, she's an expert on boys. Unlike stupid naive me, LOL.

Stay strong and think thin girls,
xoxo.