Go empty yourself right now.

I ate. My punishment? I'm not going to the gig thing in town Wednesday night, nor am I going to a different gig thing on Friday night. I'm even contemplating passing on the Halloween party because I'm going to look like such a fat mess that I'd rather it be said I have no social life instead of allowing people to see how badly I've screwed up. Yes, it is that bad.

Girls of the UK, I'm now begging for a texting partner - I need HELP. Like, mega serious kick-up-my-obese-arse help. I'm not strong enough - I can't do this on my own anymore, I need someone to talk to about this. I can't tell family because they'd be disappointed (I hate that), and my friends have already been through helping one friend out with an eating disorder (before I was properly friends with them, this was like three years ago) and I don't want to be the one who puts them through that again.

I fully realise that eating disorders affect friends and family just as much as the person with the ED, and I don't want a sympathetic, "It'll be alright, you'll get through this". I want to talk about this with someone who has the full understanding of my frame of mind, who gets that eating without a care is simply not possible for me anymore.

Please let me know if you're interested. I'm off to purge now.

I feel so lost.
xoxo.

Starting Over.

I'm such a fucking disaster. I'm just the walking epitome of fat fuck-up. The past few days have been hell, they really have. So bad I'm not even going into it other than telling you all - with so much shame and regret it hurts - that I ate relatively "normally" for the past few days, and I'm fairly certain all my progress has been reversed.

Tomorrow will be a fresh start; I will not eat.
I will be skinny; I will not eat.
I am starting over, because I am fat and therefore I will NOT eat.

Sickened with myself,
xoxo.

Ugh.

Today was the definition of fuck-up. I've been moody all day, and I went to this open evening at the college I think I'm starting at next September, but it decided to rain as I was walking home so I looked like a bloody drowned rat when I got in. Mood just deteriorated even more then.

The open evening itself was good, I got home all happy because I know pretty much exactly what I wanna do college-wise now.

And that's when today went even more downhill. My fast was meant to finish tomorrow, but I ate when I got home - a horrifying amount too. (Well, by mine and Ana's standards anyway). Far far far too much. Purged most or all of it, I'm not sure, but I brought back up what looked like a lot. I feel disgusting, fat, horrible...

The list just goes on.

No exercise DVD tonight because my mam's being an ass, but in a bit I'm gonna do 100 normal crunches and 100 reverse crunches in an attempt to make myself feel better, as well as various other things like leg raises which tone your inner thighs - there will be gaps in between my thighs eventually, I'm determined. My ribs and hip bones will stick out and my calves will be the width of my lower arms.

I will be skinny.

I'm going out to this club thing - like a gig - on the 28th and I really hope to be 125 by then, if I'm not already (haven't had an opportunity to weigh myself since the day I found I was 132). If I haven't reached it by then, I really must have reached it by the 31st for the Halloween party I'm going to. I don't want there to be any indication of even a slightly protruding stomach in my dress.

If I could take back tonight and do it all over again, I would, and I would not eat a thing.

Feeling down but thinking thin,
xoxo.

Little Red Bracelets.

Nyx: That was the exact reply I had in my head at that comment, but of course saying it would have made alarm bells ring and so I kept my mouth shut. Don't worry, I'm staying strong :)

BarelyAliveAna: I just finished it tonight (I read it really quickly), and I agree; there are quite a few good tips in there I've picked up that I can use, which will hopefully make all this a little easier and more subtle :)

--

My legs feel heavy and they protest when I walk up the stairs. I'm forgetting what warmth feels like. Friends ask me what I'm going to eat when I get home and I lie and say I'll eat something with tons of calories. Really I'll have less than 100 calories of orange juice and tell my mam I feel sick from all the sweets I didn't eat when I was at the cinema. My mam sits and eats pizza and offers me some.

I want to tell her there are 140 calories in every slice she eats. She will get fat and her thighs and stomach will jiggle. She tells me it's OK to have a treat every once in a while; I know she's wrong, and I stare at the pizza in disgust, wondering how I ever managed to eat stuff like that. She offers me chips. There are 202 calories in every 100g. I wonder if I'll ever eat chips again.

I was the only one who didn't eat in the cinema. The other six girls stuffed themselves with hot dogs, chocolate, popcorn and jelly sweets - thinking of all the calories and the fat content makes me nauseous. I felt good because I wasn't weak, I wasn't putting on weight while we watched the film. My friend complained she's pear-shaped. I felt aggresive; I wanted to yell that it's because she eats so damn much and it's all crap. But that would have made me feel bad because I know I'm still a shameful size, weight and shape and snapping that her body is all her fault could have lost me a friend. I was silent instead, but the anger bubbled for a long while because I knew what I was thinking was right.

I am a hypocrite. I hate myself. I now wear three red bead bracelets everyday, my way of silently letting the world know even though they neither notice nor care. I'm committing myself further.
It feels great.

Depressing/angsty post today. I tried a different style, and this is because I have Wintergirls on the brain since I just finished it tonight. Go read it, it's brilliant.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Wintergirls.

BarelyAliveAna: Thank you so much hun, I appreciate the support. And thanks for mentioning me in your blog too, it made me feel less alone, and that has really helped me :)

Yum: I know exactly what you mean; I'm actually a little alarmed at how quickly this has taken over me - and so strongly too! But trust me, I'm dealing with it really well and I'm miles away from even thinking about taking the first steps to recovery (if I ever do) - I haven't lost nearly enough weight yet. So I'll be sticking around a (long) while longer :)


Oh boy, cravings got bad today. I'm not actually hungry, and I have no desire to eat - because I know what the hideous side effects will be - but walking home after I got off the bus tonight, I walked past this group of buildings where there are all kinds of things, car repairs, fireplace stores, pizza delivery and whatnot. Anyway, as I was walking past, I smelled chinese food, and holy shit I love chinese food. Thankfully, I was strong and resisted every urge I got to ask for some. I haven't eaten anything today - zero calories means happier me.

Weight came up in one of my lessons today too. In clothes, I'm generally a size 8 - US size 4, I believe, correct me if I'm wrong - and I found this absolutely stunning black dress I wanted to get for the Halloween party I'm going to - I'd accessorize and do make-up and claim I was a black cat - but I was gutted when I saw they only did size 12/14. My friend made me feel like utter crap cause she decided to turn around and tell me that's what size she was - honestly, she does not look like it though.

Then, very same lesson with the same friend, I can't even remember what I was saying, but I remember her replying with, "You're not dieting are you? You'd better not be starving yourself". I had the audacity to brush it off with a laugh and say, "No, of course not" as I took a drink of my water. I swear, I could be an actress one day if everyone keeps believing all my lies. She went on to say, "You know, you get fat if you skip breakfast". Ha. That one nearly made me laugh.

I started reading "Wintergirls" by Laurie Halse Anderson tonight; it's about a girl with anorexia whose friend just died from bulimia. It's providing me with a lot of thinspo because of how skinny the main character keeps getting, so that's really good. I also really like it so far because it's quite good proof that trying to shock people into recovery too soon just doesn't work, because despite what happened to her friend, she continues with her anorexia, and at the point I'm upto, she's at about 94lbs.

I was almost shocked at one point because one of her methods was identical to something I did shortly after I started; she dabs ketchup at the corners of her mouth to make it look like she'd eaten. I did the same thing with cake and the icing sugar on top. Mam was fooled.

Cinema tomorrow night with some friends to see Heath Ledger's last film - loved him. We're shopping beforehand since we're going straight from school and it doesn't start till about five. Hopefully my mam, brother and grandparents will be away this weekend so I can get away with not eating more easily. (Don't worry, I am old enough to be left alone.) That also means I can use the scales with no raised eyebrows. And I need to measure my waist, hips and bust to see what size I'd need in my replacement dress since I'm tired of different shops having different sizing guides. It really pisses me off. If I'm not completely ashamed with the results I get, I'll post them on here.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Let me be empty and weightless.

I've accepted it, because I can't actually deny it anymore; I have an eating disorder.

Some of you reading may be thinking, 'Well, yeah...you just noticed?', but when I started out, I was simply pro-ana and fasting. Now I'm completely cutting out all solid food until further notice. I purge everything I actually do eat. And, I've joined BarelyAliveAna on a water fast until the 21st.

Anyway, I think it properly dawned on me last night. I purged orange juice, and I realised losing weight is so important to me that I can't bear anything with calories. Everyday's just another lie. Just tonight, I walked out of the kitchen with a bag of Quavers, a KitKat Chunky and two bread buns. My mam looked at it all and said, "Nice diet. You won't lose weight this way though". I just flashed her a cheesy grin and said, "I know, I just can't help myself". I almost felt like saying, "Yeah, that's what you think".

I'm amazed she still hasn't clicked I haven't been eating anything she thinks I have. I think the last time I ate something solid was Sunday before last - the 4th. Even then, I purged that too. It's one big cycle: I don't eat, and when I do, it doesn't stay there for long so there's really no point. I'll get some tortillas and a normal KitKat later so she doesn't get suspicious.

My post title is taken from the song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan. It's actually about drug overdoses, but listening to some of the lyrics really makes me think of Ana. It's a beautiful song, I really recommend listening to it.

I realise this was a pretty different post to what I usually write, but I felt I needed to express some of how I was feeling at the minute, although I'm not entirely sure how I feel. Nothing's actually changed, and yet it feels like something huge has just happened. Maybe this is all just my way of accepting it.

But don't worry followers, if anything I'm only more spurred on to do my total best at this, and continue to lose as much weight as I can. I think it'll be a long time before my pro-ana attitude turns pro-recovery (for me anyway, don't let me stop you!), so you haven't lost me!

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Thinspo Tunes.

I have to keep reminding myself that this isn't going to happen overnight. Every time I look in the mirror - about twenty/thirty times a day - I just get closer and closer to giving up, because I feel like nothing's happening. And that's when I remind myself that all my stupid weight won't just drop off immediately, no matter how much I want it to. Can't wait for the fitness session tomorrow, it'll really make me feel better about myself. I'll post tomorrow night to let you all know how it went.

Anyway, I've found a few songs that, although they're not about eating disorders, provide me with a bit of thinspo because I think the choruses/lyrics could be interpreted in that way. First one is "Beauty from Pain" by Superchick;

After all this has passed, I still will remain,
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain.
Though it won't be today,
Someday I'll hope again,
And there'll be beauty from pain.
You will bring beauty from my pain.

The next is "Bodies" by Robbie Williams;

All we’ve ever wanted
Is to look good naked,
Hope that someone can take it.
God save me rejection,
From my reflection,
I want perfection.

And the last is "Nobody Knows" by Pink. For this one, I think all the lyrics could apply, but I'll only post the most relevant so this post isn't miles long;

Baby, oh the secret's safe with me,
There's nowhere else in the world that I could ever be,
And baby don't it feel like I'm all alone,
Who's gonna be there after the last angel has flown?

Tomorrow I'll be there my friend,
I'll wake up and start all over again,
When everybody else is gone,
No no no.

I hope these help anyone out there who's struggling at the minute, I've found them to be great inspiration, especially Nobody Knows; how Ana is there even when it feels like nobody else is, and that nobody else knows about it.

I purged again after my post yesterday; I attempted to eat a different kind of soup with less calories and still couldn't bear it. I haven't even been tempted to eat anything today because I know how it will end. Plus, I'm not even hungry. If this keeps up, I'll have dropped 7lbs by Halloween no problem - fingers crossed!

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Have you had anything to eat?

I swear, this need to be skinny and beautiful and perfect is taking over my life - as it should, I know, but still. I told myself that I would start a new regime of fasting Monday through to Friday and then restricting down to 400 calories for the whole weekend. So about half an hour ago, I made myself about a quarter of a tin of tomato soup - about 60/70 calories - after my granda, bless him, asked if I'd had anything to eat (he came to check up on me since my mam's out). I ate it but felt totally sickened with myself, and immediately after I finished, I purged.

I can't keep anything down anymore. Everything I eat, I purge afterwards, the only exceptions being when I don't have an opportunity to. I'm just getting worse; it's a good job it's working or I'd have hit rock bottom by now. Once my granda's left, whenever that is, I plan on doing the exercise DVD and doing some extra crunches to try and stop myself feeling guilty over eating the soup. And Monday lunchtime, me and my friend have made plans to go to the fitness session in the school gym, so I have that to look forward to.

Because all the fruit juice has gone, I've decided to allow myself a weekend treat of sugarfree, calorie-free Pepsi. I can only drink it weekends though, and since I've probably had way too much today already, I can only have one more glass today, and then two tomorrow. Funny how soup makes me feel bad but I feel fine with pop. Must just be my twisted brain at work.

Might post again a bit later after exercises, it depends on how I'm feeling. I'm pretty low at the minute, but thinking of what I could look like when I reach my UGW does cheer me up significantly, so maybe I'll be happier later tonight.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

I just get worried about you, that's all.

I wasn't smart enough a couple of nights ago; I didn't even attempt to look like I was eating in front of my mam. I guess I just thought she wouldn't really notice one night where I didn't eat, and usually I don't think she would. She did that night.

It was about 9pm, and I'd just gone up to my room to watch a film when she popped her head around my doorframe and said, "Have you had anything to eat tonight?". Of course I said no, 'cause saying something else would have been a blatant lie and she'd have known, and just assured her I wasn't hungry. She smiled and just said, "I just get worried about you, that's all."

I know. Leave me be will you? I'm FINE.

Then this morning, just after I'd gotten ready for school, I walked into the bathroom to put on my make-up just as she was coming out, and she just took one brief glance at me and said, "Your legs are looking a little thinner today," and gave me a lovely puzzled look to go with it. I had to stop myself from squealing with glee and look as nonchalant as possible. Yesterday in P.E. we did almost an hour of step aerobics - I was over the moon 'cause it really got intense - so I just shrugged and said, "Probably just 'cause of the stuff I did in P.E. yesterday."

Lies.

I've found my weakness in the form of fruit juice; I know it has calories and therefore I shouldn't be drinking it during fasts, but I can't help myself. Thankfully, I just had some and there's now no more left, so I won't be tempted until at least Monday, and maybe by then I'll have become a little stronger. Fingers crossed anyway. I'm so weak, and I hate it.

Deadlines;

GW2: 31st October.
GW3: 30th November.
UGW: 31st December.

So I have less than a month to lose 7lbs for Halloween and another month after that to get down to 114lbs. I'm working on Christmas; slightly worried about how I can wriggle out of this. Maybe that can be my 'free day'. I could probably get away with asking for no chocolates or sweets because I'm trying to become healthier and then just have a small lunch. Then one solid fast from Boxing Day to New Years; I will look skinny in my New Year dress. I will.

Maybe by that time - or even Halloween if I'm really lucky - I'll have grown a little more confident, and if I like what I look like I'll post some pictures of Halloween. I'm going to a costume party and I want to look the best I possibly can in whatever I end up wearing; MUST NOT RELAPSE.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

132

The weekend just gone is possibly the closest I've come to being depressed. I ended up not going out on the Sunday for reasons I won't bore you with, and Saturday was pretty much a disaster. Things are getting sorted sometime this week with L though, so that's not as much of an issue anymore.

I lasted a week. One fucking week. I made it seven days without putting one solid piece of food in my mouth. Then I hit Sunday and it was like a fucking trainwreck. I started off with one tortilla. Hey, that's fine, only one...one hundred calories will not make you look like a whale. But then another followed, and then came the yogurt. And then, just after I felt like I was regaining control, my mam put down a plate of chips in front of me and sat down to eat her dinner too. Shit, she's not leaving; I have no choice but to eat this. Holy crap, the calories...

When I was done, and dear mother was satisfied, I went upstairs. I waited about half an hour and then almost ran to the bathroom. Toothbrush. Toilet. Empty. I felt so unable to do anything else, so guilty for sabotaging my fast. I've started again today. No food. I have had some calories today, but only juice, which is still good for fasting, but tomorrow I'm dropping that too, and having no more tonight. Water and citrus green tea will be my two new best friends.

Anyway, I've been to the doctor's tonight for a vaccine, and to my utter horror she asked to weigh me and see how tall I was. When I previously weighed myself at 143lbs, I wasn't wearing a stitch of clothing because I knew that could affect your weight, obviously. Tonight, I was not about to strip bare in front of some woman I didn't know, so I got on the scales wearing a blouse, a skirt, tights and shoes. I nearly fainted when I saw the result.

132lbs. ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-TWO POUNDS. I technically don't have much reason to be so ecstatic that I've (apparently) lost 11lbs, because the scales I used when I got 143 are, in all honesty, quite old. But still, I am going to convince myself that I've lost 11lbs in just over a week because then I'll feel I can do it again and possibly even better this time. Oh, thinspo, how I have missed you...

So, this wonderful news means I have not only achieved, but done better than my first goal weight, which was 135! It was originally quite a large drop to my next GW of 114, so I've added a sort of inbetweener weight of 125. I need to drop 7lbs as fast as possible. Also, my height for anyone who's interested is 5"5.

Well, I think that's everything for tonight then. Except, the offer for a UK texting partner is still open - I can't do this alone forever!

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Problems

Why is it that as soon as I - and maybe some of you too - stop eating, food seems to become a daily topic? And honestly, I've just been talking to this boy I know, not L, and he even brought up anorexia. I've only been talking to him about a week, and yet I feel like everyone knows. It's just me being a little paranoid, I know that, but there's still that feeling. It's nagging me, it really is. I'm starting to wonder how long I can keep this up.

Also, I have a small confession. No, I have not deviated from my fast in the sense that I have eaten, but I have just had some of that smoothie I mentioned the other day, therefore I have consumed one or two hundred calories. I'm so sickened with myself; I can almost see my reflection now, and I hate it. I have an unbearable desire to go and purge right now, but my mam's upstairs, so she'd know. I am *not* getting caught now. No way.

And I've taken to chewing sugarfree gum; it helps my stomach to stop growling so people I see practically everyday haven't noticed anything suspicious. And finally, I'm getting to a point where I haven't eaten anything in so long that hunger is just fading away; I really like this point. I'll have been going a week on Saturday!

I panicked last night, too. I'm seeing L again both Saturday and Sunday, very excited too, and to make it easier for me, my best friend offered to let me stay at hers Saturday night. I know her mam, and I know she just loves to feed her guests. Major panic attack; how on earth was I going to get out of that? After all, my fast isn't over till next Saturday at the very least.

Anyway, turns out I can't stay at hers that night cause I'm going to a birthday party for my grandma. My mam offered to buy me a little alcohol for the occasion, but in all honesty, it's so weak it's like drinking pop. And one bottle of the stuff is over 200 calories. So, in order to reduce my guilt over the smoothie even just a little, I said no. Anyway, I'll be able to avoid my mam for a lot of the party, so I can just say I had a little of this and a little of that and be done with it.

And my friends and I have made plans for a three/four day camping trip sometime near the end of October, when we're off school. And my friends are not retarded, so they will notice if I eat absolutely nothing solid for that length of time. So I'm thinking I could conveniently not be on a fast at the time - or finish one the day before or something, and I might load up on healthy stuff like salads and whatnot and just take them with me, make up some excuse about my mam wanting me to not eat any junk while I'm away. Oh boy, I have lots and lots to think about.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.