Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Let me be empty and weightless.

I've accepted it, because I can't actually deny it anymore; I have an eating disorder.

Some of you reading may be thinking, 'Well, yeah...you just noticed?', but when I started out, I was simply pro-ana and fasting. Now I'm completely cutting out all solid food until further notice. I purge everything I actually do eat. And, I've joined BarelyAliveAna on a water fast until the 21st.

Anyway, I think it properly dawned on me last night. I purged orange juice, and I realised losing weight is so important to me that I can't bear anything with calories. Everyday's just another lie. Just tonight, I walked out of the kitchen with a bag of Quavers, a KitKat Chunky and two bread buns. My mam looked at it all and said, "Nice diet. You won't lose weight this way though". I just flashed her a cheesy grin and said, "I know, I just can't help myself". I almost felt like saying, "Yeah, that's what you think".

I'm amazed she still hasn't clicked I haven't been eating anything she thinks I have. I think the last time I ate something solid was Sunday before last - the 4th. Even then, I purged that too. It's one big cycle: I don't eat, and when I do, it doesn't stay there for long so there's really no point. I'll get some tortillas and a normal KitKat later so she doesn't get suspicious.

My post title is taken from the song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan. It's actually about drug overdoses, but listening to some of the lyrics really makes me think of Ana. It's a beautiful song, I really recommend listening to it.

I realise this was a pretty different post to what I usually write, but I felt I needed to express some of how I was feeling at the minute, although I'm not entirely sure how I feel. Nothing's actually changed, and yet it feels like something huge has just happened. Maybe this is all just my way of accepting it.

But don't worry followers, if anything I'm only more spurred on to do my total best at this, and continue to lose as much weight as I can. I think it'll be a long time before my pro-ana attitude turns pro-recovery (for me anyway, don't let me stop you!), so you haven't lost me!

Staying strong, thinking thin,


BarelyAliveAna said...

Alright girl, I'm here for you. I understand exactly what's going on with you. Enjoy the fast.


Yum said...

That's how it happens - you slowly get into the habits and suddenly realize. "Oh, wow, I'm screwed." It's amazing how fast it really happens. One moment you're dieting a little hard, the next you're eating 600 calories a day, weighing yourself 8 times, and listening to your heart beat irregularly.

The way I've always put it is this: if you don't like the way your Ed affects your life, seek recovery. If you don't like your ED, the only way to get rid of it is to go through the hard process of recovery.

If you're not ready to be rid of EDs, then there's always a place for you here.