Problems

Why is it that as soon as I - and maybe some of you too - stop eating, food seems to become a daily topic? And honestly, I've just been talking to this boy I know, not L, and he even brought up anorexia. I've only been talking to him about a week, and yet I feel like everyone knows. It's just me being a little paranoid, I know that, but there's still that feeling. It's nagging me, it really is. I'm starting to wonder how long I can keep this up.

Also, I have a small confession. No, I have not deviated from my fast in the sense that I have eaten, but I have just had some of that smoothie I mentioned the other day, therefore I have consumed one or two hundred calories. I'm so sickened with myself; I can almost see my reflection now, and I hate it. I have an unbearable desire to go and purge right now, but my mam's upstairs, so she'd know. I am *not* getting caught now. No way.

And I've taken to chewing sugarfree gum; it helps my stomach to stop growling so people I see practically everyday haven't noticed anything suspicious. And finally, I'm getting to a point where I haven't eaten anything in so long that hunger is just fading away; I really like this point. I'll have been going a week on Saturday!

I panicked last night, too. I'm seeing L again both Saturday and Sunday, very excited too, and to make it easier for me, my best friend offered to let me stay at hers Saturday night. I know her mam, and I know she just loves to feed her guests. Major panic attack; how on earth was I going to get out of that? After all, my fast isn't over till next Saturday at the very least.

Anyway, turns out I can't stay at hers that night cause I'm going to a birthday party for my grandma. My mam offered to buy me a little alcohol for the occasion, but in all honesty, it's so weak it's like drinking pop. And one bottle of the stuff is over 200 calories. So, in order to reduce my guilt over the smoothie even just a little, I said no. Anyway, I'll be able to avoid my mam for a lot of the party, so I can just say I had a little of this and a little of that and be done with it.

And my friends and I have made plans for a three/four day camping trip sometime near the end of October, when we're off school. And my friends are not retarded, so they will notice if I eat absolutely nothing solid for that length of time. So I'm thinking I could conveniently not be on a fast at the time - or finish one the day before or something, and I might load up on healthy stuff like salads and whatnot and just take them with me, make up some excuse about my mam wanting me to not eat any junk while I'm away. Oh boy, I have lots and lots to think about.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.