Friday, 16 October 2009

Little Red Bracelets.

Nyx: That was the exact reply I had in my head at that comment, but of course saying it would have made alarm bells ring and so I kept my mouth shut. Don't worry, I'm staying strong :)

BarelyAliveAna: I just finished it tonight (I read it really quickly), and I agree; there are quite a few good tips in there I've picked up that I can use, which will hopefully make all this a little easier and more subtle :)


My legs feel heavy and they protest when I walk up the stairs. I'm forgetting what warmth feels like. Friends ask me what I'm going to eat when I get home and I lie and say I'll eat something with tons of calories. Really I'll have less than 100 calories of orange juice and tell my mam I feel sick from all the sweets I didn't eat when I was at the cinema. My mam sits and eats pizza and offers me some.

I want to tell her there are 140 calories in every slice she eats. She will get fat and her thighs and stomach will jiggle. She tells me it's OK to have a treat every once in a while; I know she's wrong, and I stare at the pizza in disgust, wondering how I ever managed to eat stuff like that. She offers me chips. There are 202 calories in every 100g. I wonder if I'll ever eat chips again.

I was the only one who didn't eat in the cinema. The other six girls stuffed themselves with hot dogs, chocolate, popcorn and jelly sweets - thinking of all the calories and the fat content makes me nauseous. I felt good because I wasn't weak, I wasn't putting on weight while we watched the film. My friend complained she's pear-shaped. I felt aggresive; I wanted to yell that it's because she eats so damn much and it's all crap. But that would have made me feel bad because I know I'm still a shameful size, weight and shape and snapping that her body is all her fault could have lost me a friend. I was silent instead, but the anger bubbled for a long while because I knew what I was thinking was right.

I am a hypocrite. I hate myself. I now wear three red bead bracelets everyday, my way of silently letting the world know even though they neither notice nor care. I'm committing myself further.
It feels great.

Depressing/angsty post today. I tried a different style, and this is because I have Wintergirls on the brain since I just finished it tonight. Go read it, it's brilliant.

Staying strong, thinking thin,


BarelyAliveAna said...

Don't depress yourself. You need to stay focused on Ana, and as long as you're feeling bad, you can't give her your full attention. When you're feeling down, just think of how amazing it's going to be when you can walk around knowing you're skinny - not thinking to yourself, "I wonder how everyone sees me. As fat or what?" Think of the amazing clothes that will fit you and look amazing on you.

Think of how skinny you could be. It's all that gets me through the day. Well, that and ciggarettes.

You can do this. I believe in you, stick in there. Hold your head up and smile even if you don't want to. <3

SBB said...

I loved Wintergirls too. Wear your bracelets proud... I wear mine proud.
Stay strong hunnie! Your comment about me reaching my goal was so right. It may take a little more time than I thought... but as long as I stick with it I will reach it!
Hope you're not feeling down =)

SBB said...

thnx for your comment. Sometimes the scale can take all my willpower and control away. This time however, I refuse; I will remain in control!