Tuesday, 20 October 2009


Today was the definition of fuck-up. I've been moody all day, and I went to this open evening at the college I think I'm starting at next September, but it decided to rain as I was walking home so I looked like a bloody drowned rat when I got in. Mood just deteriorated even more then.

The open evening itself was good, I got home all happy because I know pretty much exactly what I wanna do college-wise now.

And that's when today went even more downhill. My fast was meant to finish tomorrow, but I ate when I got home - a horrifying amount too. (Well, by mine and Ana's standards anyway). Far far far too much. Purged most or all of it, I'm not sure, but I brought back up what looked like a lot. I feel disgusting, fat, horrible...

The list just goes on.

No exercise DVD tonight because my mam's being an ass, but in a bit I'm gonna do 100 normal crunches and 100 reverse crunches in an attempt to make myself feel better, as well as various other things like leg raises which tone your inner thighs - there will be gaps in between my thighs eventually, I'm determined. My ribs and hip bones will stick out and my calves will be the width of my lower arms.

I will be skinny.

I'm going out to this club thing - like a gig - on the 28th and I really hope to be 125 by then, if I'm not already (haven't had an opportunity to weigh myself since the day I found I was 132). If I haven't reached it by then, I really must have reached it by the 31st for the Halloween party I'm going to. I don't want there to be any indication of even a slightly protruding stomach in my dress.

If I could take back tonight and do it all over again, I would, and I would not eat a thing.

Feeling down but thinking thin,


BarelyAliveAna said...

Hey, it's alright. Just look at this as a learning experience. You just have to remember that you can't mess up, and thinking that will help you NOT mess up.

It sounds weird, but I've found it really works. Stay strong. <3