Saturday, 10 October 2009

Have you had anything to eat?

I swear, this need to be skinny and beautiful and perfect is taking over my life - as it should, I know, but still. I told myself that I would start a new regime of fasting Monday through to Friday and then restricting down to 400 calories for the whole weekend. So about half an hour ago, I made myself about a quarter of a tin of tomato soup - about 60/70 calories - after my granda, bless him, asked if I'd had anything to eat (he came to check up on me since my mam's out). I ate it but felt totally sickened with myself, and immediately after I finished, I purged.

I can't keep anything down anymore. Everything I eat, I purge afterwards, the only exceptions being when I don't have an opportunity to. I'm just getting worse; it's a good job it's working or I'd have hit rock bottom by now. Once my granda's left, whenever that is, I plan on doing the exercise DVD and doing some extra crunches to try and stop myself feeling guilty over eating the soup. And Monday lunchtime, me and my friend have made plans to go to the fitness session in the school gym, so I have that to look forward to.

Because all the fruit juice has gone, I've decided to allow myself a weekend treat of sugarfree, calorie-free Pepsi. I can only drink it weekends though, and since I've probably had way too much today already, I can only have one more glass today, and then two tomorrow. Funny how soup makes me feel bad but I feel fine with pop. Must just be my twisted brain at work.

Might post again a bit later after exercises, it depends on how I'm feeling. I'm pretty low at the minute, but thinking of what I could look like when I reach my UGW does cheer me up significantly, so maybe I'll be happier later tonight.

Staying strong, thinking thin,