Thursday, 15 October 2009

Wintergirls.

BarelyAliveAna: Thank you so much hun, I appreciate the support. And thanks for mentioning me in your blog too, it made me feel less alone, and that has really helped me :)

Yum: I know exactly what you mean; I'm actually a little alarmed at how quickly this has taken over me - and so strongly too! But trust me, I'm dealing with it really well and I'm miles away from even thinking about taking the first steps to recovery (if I ever do) - I haven't lost nearly enough weight yet. So I'll be sticking around a (long) while longer :)


Oh boy, cravings got bad today. I'm not actually hungry, and I have no desire to eat - because I know what the hideous side effects will be - but walking home after I got off the bus tonight, I walked past this group of buildings where there are all kinds of things, car repairs, fireplace stores, pizza delivery and whatnot. Anyway, as I was walking past, I smelled chinese food, and holy shit I love chinese food. Thankfully, I was strong and resisted every urge I got to ask for some. I haven't eaten anything today - zero calories means happier me.

Weight came up in one of my lessons today too. In clothes, I'm generally a size 8 - US size 4, I believe, correct me if I'm wrong - and I found this absolutely stunning black dress I wanted to get for the Halloween party I'm going to - I'd accessorize and do make-up and claim I was a black cat - but I was gutted when I saw they only did size 12/14. My friend made me feel like utter crap cause she decided to turn around and tell me that's what size she was - honestly, she does not look like it though.

Then, very same lesson with the same friend, I can't even remember what I was saying, but I remember her replying with, "You're not dieting are you? You'd better not be starving yourself". I had the audacity to brush it off with a laugh and say, "No, of course not" as I took a drink of my water. I swear, I could be an actress one day if everyone keeps believing all my lies. She went on to say, "You know, you get fat if you skip breakfast". Ha. That one nearly made me laugh.

I started reading "Wintergirls" by Laurie Halse Anderson tonight; it's about a girl with anorexia whose friend just died from bulimia. It's providing me with a lot of thinspo because of how skinny the main character keeps getting, so that's really good. I also really like it so far because it's quite good proof that trying to shock people into recovery too soon just doesn't work, because despite what happened to her friend, she continues with her anorexia, and at the point I'm upto, she's at about 94lbs.

I was almost shocked at one point because one of her methods was identical to something I did shortly after I started; she dabs ketchup at the corners of her mouth to make it look like she'd eaten. I did the same thing with cake and the icing sugar on top. Mam was fooled.

Cinema tomorrow night with some friends to see Heath Ledger's last film - loved him. We're shopping beforehand since we're going straight from school and it doesn't start till about five. Hopefully my mam, brother and grandparents will be away this weekend so I can get away with not eating more easily. (Don't worry, I am old enough to be left alone.) That also means I can use the scales with no raised eyebrows. And I need to measure my waist, hips and bust to see what size I'd need in my replacement dress since I'm tired of different shops having different sizing guides. It really pisses me off. If I'm not completely ashamed with the results I get, I'll post them on here.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

2 comments:

Nyx said...

"You know, you get fat if you skip breakfast"

Someone said the same thing to me when we were discussing food. I thought in my head 'Not if I don't eat at all'

Keep at it.

BarelyAliveAna said...

So true Nyx. (:

And Winter Girls, I absolutely adore that book. I read it recently and although it made the point that you can die from your ED, it also gives you so many good ideas for hiding your ED.

And you're welcome. <3