Ughhhh.

It's amazing how much backward progress I've made since the beginning of the year. It seems that every time I step onto the scale, the number's higher. I'm so fat.

Therefore, I'm staying upstairs in my room today until I go out later with a couple of friends and my bf. We're going for a walk around town for a few hours, just strolling and chatting etc.

Fuck food.

:'(

The bf knows about the self harm. I told him (and showed him) when we were both drunk on Saturday night, even though I was completely wasted and he was nowhere near as bad, and it's just my fucking luck that he remembers.

I did it again last night after stopping for about two months, and tonight he decides to bring it up on MSN. And he makes me feel like the scum of the earth at times like this because he's saying all this stuff about how he thinks I'd never do it again, when I asked why he thought that, he said that he thought if I did, it would be because the bulimia had started again or something and he doesn't think that will happen either.

It's only been a week since that last happened, and he doesn't know. I cut last night and he doesn't know. I feel absolutely shit for not telling him, but he puts me on a pedestal, he thinks I'm all healthy and mentally stable again, and I don't want to let him down, I don't want him to worry, but most of all I don't want anyone else to find out because I don't want help.

I am a selfish, fat cow, who doesn't deserve any of the good things I have in my life. I don't deserve my boyfriend, I don't deserve my friends, I don't deserve you amazing readers, I don't fucking deserve to live.

I'm so depressed right now.

Replies!

C: Thank you so much for such an insightful comment; although I will admit, it was so insightful that I can't really use it. I'm not good with being able to control the types of foods I can eat because I still live with my mam - seeing as I'm too young to live on my own. Therefore, I have to make do with what I can, hence why I try my hardest to control the calories that go into my body, and I'm pretty much forced to pay less attention to where they come from. I think this is why when I do restrict when eating, my calorie count is so low, because I try to only eat better foods (which in turn have lower calorie counts). I also think this is why - as well as my fierce quest for thinness - I try to resort to not eating when I'm not restricting. But thanks again for your very informative comment!

fuckED: No, I don't live with my boyfriend, we've only been going out about a month, and he only recently became old enough to actually live independently - I'm still too young, hahaha. I also decided not to tell him about relapsing into my bulimic ways as I'm also trying to stick to Ana, and Mia is only going to be what I turn to whenever I eat and feel guilty; unfortunately, the problem with that is that I feel guilty whenever I eat, so I'm just trying to not eat anything at all because I feel more guilty on top of eating if I purge, because I told those three people I'd stopped. All my scars from self-harm are on either my hips or my thighs, so I can probably keep it hidden until me and my bf start doing more stuff. But if/when it gets to the point when we're having sex etc., then I doubt I'll be able to hide it from him anymore, and I'll have to come clean. I am trying very hard to convince everyone I'm fine, although my bf wants me to see a doctor about my problems (I also think I might be bipolar as well as having the obvious ED), however, I'm standing firm and I refuse to see a doctor. That will just complicate things further. Thank you for the comment as well :)

Twigs Can Fly: I decided not to tell him about relapsing, because he said if I did he would want me to see a doctor or tell someone, and I refuse to do either of those things. I do not want any help, therefore seeking it would be pointless. I couldn't go to the doctor about the blood (if it even was blood), because I'm a minor and I'm fairly sure that means the doctor would be obliged to tell my mam - I can't afford to let that happen. And thank you for the supportive comment, I am indeed trying to live for the better days :)

M-illie: Thank you for awarding me for a Sunshine award, I'm glad that people appreciate and enjoy reading my blog; it makes me happy that I chose to start one in the first place :)

Imperfections: I'm looking forward to my first goal hahaha, despite it currently being a long way off. I'm going to keep working though, so thanks for your support! :)

Sun-Lit~: Thank you to you as well, for also awarding me for a Sunshine award! I'm happy that you think my blog is interesting, balanced, and easy to relate to! And yeah, I was looking around in all the aisles, and I felt so unsafe with all that food there, like I was confused about what to do when I was there. It was a very surreal experience, like I didn't belong there. But thanks for your comment, it was appreciated :)

--

I will get around to awarding my own choices for the Sunshine Award in my next post, because at the minute I just can't decide, hahaha.

Think thin,
xoxo.

Supermarkets are horrendous.

Sorry, comments next time!

Walking through a supermarket with my mam had me fighting back tears. Even I'm half baffled as to why. I think it's something along the lines of: my mam is putting stuff in the trolley and I want it, I want it all, I want to eat and munch and chew my way through the lot, but I can't afford to let myself want any of it at all.

At all.

The sheer terror I felt walking through those aisles was unreal. I'm back to being terrified of food; good thing, bad thing, I can't quite tell at the minute.

So I'm ending today at 307 calories, maybe less. I've had:

- About three quarters of an apple, cut into the most miniscule little cubes I could have managed (~40?)
- 1 cup of tea with two sugars (32)
- 1 tomato Cup-A-Soup (93)
- 1 honey and almond cereal bar type thing (142)

Total: 307.

The cereal bar thing was a treat, not tomorrow, definitely not.

New rule: aim for 300 calories every day, 500 max. Preferably liquids to solids.

Also, I'm going to start paying more attention to the fat content in my foods, aim for no more than 10g a day, max 15g.

I need to be skinnyyyyyyy.

Think thin,
xoxo.

Lies.

I am such a fucking shit girlfriend.

I told him this morning that I thought his theory on me having bipolar disorder was right after I told him about my meltdown in the shower last night (I basically got in the shower and promptly started crying for about half an hour over how fat and horrible I was). Then he got really worried and told me he wanted me to see a doctor, get some help, sort out my issues etc. So what do I do? What do I do to protect my ED, to make sure that I can keep this up for as long as I can?

I lie. I lie through my teeth, a big, fat, barefaced lie.

'I was hormonal, tired, I feel fine today, it was over nothing anyway, at least I'm not relapsing back into old habits...'

The first part I can excuse, because at least that's partially true. Damn T.O.M.

The second part's a half-truth - I was tired, but by the time I went in the shower I wasn't. I was just hazy. You know when you're just walking around, everything feels surreal? Like, everything's a sort of blur because you're so dazed? That's what I was like last night.

Third part's where I started just spouting crap to get him off my case; I felt like shit today.


It was not over nothing, it was because I looked down at myself while I was in the shower, and realised just how fucking fat I am, and then it just hit me how unhappy this actually makes me.

And the last bit, that might just be the biggest lie I've ever told in my life. I've never felt like I've been relapsing as much as I have during the past week or so. I haven't eaten and kept a meal down since Friday. Doesn't sound like very long, but I could feel my eating habits slowly dwindling back down to what they used to be long before that anyway.

Also, he sent me a text the other night saying that he ate loads when he got home, and I just replied with, 'Well tbf, so did I'. He sent back to me, 'As long as you're not puking it back up I don't mind'. Bear in mind, this is probably less than half an hour after I finished sticking my fingers down my throat and bringing it all back up.


I asked him what he'd do if I did. His reply of, 'I'd want you to tell someone, see a doctor, anything. Anything to stop you doing it', prompted another lie. I told him I wasn't doing it anymore, I was just wondering what he'd do.

On another note, anyone who I've sent Wasted to, I'm going to warn you now that it's been a huge trigger for me. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that if I hadn't been reading that recently, all the things I ate over the past two nights would not have been thrown up, and I'd probably have eaten the noodles (176) I'm craving right now (not to mention kept them in my stomach). So if anyone is in recovery, I'm advising you now:

DO NOT READ THIS BOOK.

Yes, it's an amazing book, but a massive trigger.

I know I said my next post would be replying to comments, but I needed to get that all out there. Next one definitely will be, I promise! :)

Think thin,
xoxo.

Tiredddddddddd.

Thankyou so much to anyone who gave me feedback on my last post, my next post will be entirely dedicated to you with responses to the comments you left, but that might be as late as tomorrow because right now I'm tired, my head hurts, my nose hurts because I got my nostril pierced tonight, my throat hurts because I ate just over 800 cals tonight and purged again. All in all, I'm just exhausted right now. I'm seriously debating whether or not to just stick my iPod on and go to sleep.

And it's only half six.

But at the same time, I really want to start getting stuck into photography. It's a hobby I've always wanted to try out because some stuff I've seen online is really quite amazing. I'll see how that goes maybe.

I'm starving tomorrow until as long as I can, I mean it. B&P's won't get me anywhere, I'm just too bloody fat.

Think thin,
xoxo.

What goes in, must come out.

Maybe if I stop saying I'll fast, I'll stop screwing up. That's usually the way things go.

Not the worst binge I've ever had, but possibly the worst purge I've ever done. I'm fairly sure among all the shit that I threw up, I saw blood. That's never happened to me before, ever. Not to mention, I felt horribly guilty because I swore to my best friend, one of my close friends and my boyfriend that I was never going to do it again, I was over it, done, it was the last time...

"Oh don't worry about it, it's been over two months since I've done it. I doubt I'll ever do it again..."

Pah. Yeah Laura, the term, 'big FAT liar' doesn't half sum you up right now.

It's just too bad that the guilt for eating overtook my guilt over doing it again. In fact, it pretty much beat it to a pulp and then stamped on it for good measure.

I'm not eating tomorrow.
Or the next day,
or the next day,
or the next day,
or the next day...

You get the idea.

But now I'm really scared. Like, legit terrified. Not only was I working out how to tell A that I used to cut myself, but now I have to consider how to tell him I did this again.

But I suppose I have to consider whether I'm even going to tell him at all. He once said to me just after I told him I was bulimic in general, that if I ever relapsed he would want me to tell him, and now I have and I don't want to. He also said if it got any worse (which hi, it just did, blood in puke is a badbadbad sign apparently) then I would need to tell someone.

And that thought is one of the scariest I've had in a while.

Any thoughts/advice on what I should do?

Think thin,
xoxo.

Wasted & Wintergirls Downloads!

EDIT: I end the day on 84, I had a skinny latte with 1 sugar (52 + 16 = 68) after the cup of tea with 1 sugar (16), (68 + 16 = 84).

Starting tomorrow I am water fasting for as long as I can, liquid fasting on zero-calorie diet coke when I can't get hold of bottled water. Yes, plan.

-

I'm on 16 today, from a cup of tea. I sprayed & stashed food under my bed this morning so my mam thinks I've been eating. Also, let me say that pretending to eat yogurt (when really you're pouring the entire contents of the pot down the toilet) can turn out to be messy business. Blech. I think I'll stash some more before she gets back from my uncle's house so I get out of dinner tonight too. I think I'm out tomorrow for revision sessions in school, and maybe seeing my boy afterwards, seeing as he text me at half one this morning asking if I wanted to see a film. Bless him, it's a good job I was still awake.

I checked the website for a library in town, and it turns out they have none of the books I want to read except Thin by Grace Bowman, so I'll see if I can get that tomorrow when I'm out. They do stock Second Star to the Right, but it's on loan at the minute, so I'll have to get it some other time.

But anyway, the main reason for this post is because I managed finally to get Wasted by Marya Hornbacher on my computer free, so I can read it, yay! And I got a few comments on my last post asking about where I got Wintergirls.

I can't actually remember because I got it months ago, but I am perfectly willing to email anyone who would like Wasted and Wintergirls on their computer, free of charge. I would upload them to file sharing websites but there's always the chance that they will be deleted because of copyright.

So, if anyone at all wants to read these, comment this post with your email address, or if you're uncomfortable with that, leave another way for me to contact you so I can find out your email another way.

I really do recommend Wintergirls, and from what I've heard, Wasted is also a must-read, so if I were you, I'd take advantage of this, hahaha.

Good god, I sound like an advert for some cheesy product. Yelch.

Think thin ladies,
xoxo.

Boooooooks.

My intake for today is a beautiful, empty, 0. Absolutely nothing. That weird taste's back in my mouth too.

I read the Openers and the first chapter of Wasted by Marya Hornbacher online, and now I really want to finish, but unfortunately I can't find a free way to download it like I did with Wintergirls. I know, downloading stuff is wrong and bad, but I don't want to pay for a downloadable version - there's something about that I just downright object to, even though I don't know what it is or why - and I don't particularly want to buy a hard copy because my mam will wonder what it is, I'll have to tell her, she'll wonder why I'm reading it, worry, pay more attention to me, I'll have to eat, I'll get fatter...

You know the drill. So I'm thinking sometime on Monday, I'll quickly sneak out of the house for about half an hour to go to the library and see what books on EDs I can find, because there are a few I want to read:

Wasted by Marya Hornbacher,
Second Star on the Right by Deborah Hautzig,
Skinny by Ibi Kaslik,
Life-Size by Jenefer Shute,
Good Girls Do Swallow by Rachael Oakes-Ash,
Thin by Grace Bowman,
Hunger Point by Jillian Medoff,
Feeling For Bones by Bethany Pierce.

If anyone has read any of these and recommend any in particular, please tell me which ones I should go for. I know I definitely want Wasted, so try to pick different ones please :)

Bored but empty :)

It's six in the evening, and I've left my room once all day, to go to the bathroom. I'm bored out of my skull, sort of wish I was seeing my boy today. I don't even know why I'm not tbh.

But on the plus side, my mam just stuck her head round my door and asked if I fancied halfing a pepperoni pizza and chips with her later - erm no. I just kept repeatedly shaking my head until she left me alone. I won't eat, I refuse.

I'm going downstairs for seven though, there's a film on telly I want to watch and the living room's the only room with the cinema surround sound. I hope she doesn't stay to watch it with me, I can see my stomach rumbling and her taking that opportunity to shove sickening amounts of food down my throat. I'll have a cup of tea about halfway through if I start craving things.

And for about three hours now, I've had my pro-ana playlist on repeat. Really helping. I have about three quarters of an hour to kill before the film, I think I'll turn my iPod off and sit and read Wintergirls. I love that book unreal amounts, and one day I will be Lia. I will step on the scales and read a double-digit number, and I will never have known happiness like it. I want a thinking session tonight, just sitting in my room, alone, in the dark, thinking.

I'm in a strange mood.
x

Untitled.

I go over 36 hours with no food, then top it off with a binge. Well done Laura, well fucking done.

New epiphany: sleep and stay in my room all day, that way I can avoid food.

On the plus side of life, I've been grinning like an idiot for about 24 hours now because I told my boyfriend I loved him for the first time, and he just said it to me when he went off MSN. Yeah I'm corny, who cares, I love him and he makes me happy.

Tomorrow, let the starving begin :)

I feel like I'm getting better.

What a medical contradiction. When I say 'better', I do not mean recovery. Oh no no, I mean I feel like I'm getting better at this, at Ana. I've been away for far too long, she needs to grab me back and fill my veins with her strength, wrap her vines around my too-big thighs and squeeze until there's barely any of me left.

I started watching 'The Karen Carpenter Story' earlier today, but for some reason I couldn't make it past the first ten minutes; I got really shaky, couldn't breathe properly and my heart sped up. From a fucking movie.

I turned it off.

My stomach's going to rumble, you know when you can feel it? I don't want food, I don't need food. And for the first time in far too long, I know I'm not even lying. Thinking about food doesn't make me want to run into the kitchen and gorge myself on everything in sight. It holds no appeal for me.

Fuck it.

I've been awake about two and a half hours. I'm going to have a cup of tea with one sugar (16), and then nothing. Tomorrow, I will have one (16), maybe two (32), and then nothing.

Except oh shit, I'm at town tomorrow night. Alcohol. Shit. There are calories in alcohol. If I stick to three/four pints of cider and black, it'll keep the count just under 1000.

Badbadbaaaaaaaaad.

More reason not to eat though. I'll take as many of those opportunities as I can please.

Also, thankyou for the feedback to my last post about self harm, I feel bad but I'm going to try and keep my cutting from my boyfriend until I can't actually avoid telling him. I just don't want to lose him.

I fail at life.

Just over 1000 calories today. Fast tomorrow, go go go.

Mam's at work again tomorrow for the rest of the week, time for getting back into the routine of hiding food under my bed so it looks like I've eaten it.

I came so very close to telling my boyfriend about my self harm last night, but at the last minute I chickened out and said nothing. I can tell he'll have found out by the end of the holidays, I just know.

I'm scared, so scared of telling him. He already knows I'm messed up from when I told him I was bulimic, I'm terrified that self harm will push him over the edge to go and tell someone. What will I do, what can I do?

Does anyone have any experience with telling someone that they've self harmed? I need help, so badly :(

I'm Back

I haven't weighed in so long; I'm scared to. But on a bright note, today is day #1 of my 18-day holiday from school.

I'm going to start:

- Reading everyone's blogs again,
- Posting daily with my intake or lack thereof,
- Exercising every night again.

I need this back. 18 day liquid fast? Yes I think so.

Also, I think my hit counter's broken, that or I've had over 200,000 views on my blog. Unlikely.

xoxo.

Life.

A few things have changed since my last post, one of the major things being that I don't feel so unsafe with food anymore, I can go through a day eating 'normally' and not counting the calories, and even though I know it's wrong, it sort of feels nice as well. I can't really put into words how I'm feeling about it at the moment.

One of the main reasons I think I'm back in this place though, is Andrew. He's without a doubt the nicest boy I've ever had the pleasure of meeting, and he does wonders for my self-esteem. I told him about two weeks ago that I'd been bulimic, and he took it really well. I was really worried that he would tell someone, because I can tell that he cares about me enough to do it. He assured me that he wouldn't though, because I told him I hadn't done it in a while (which is true, I haven't purged since the beginning of February) so all he really said was would I tell him if I ever relapsed. I said I would and that was the end of that subject.

But also, Wednesday night he finally plucked up the courage to ask me out, in person as well which I thought was extra cute. So I now have a boyfriend, and it's really helped to boost my confidence a bit. He keeps telling me I'm not fat, that I'm really skinny and that I have nothing to worry about. I don't believe him, but it helps.

Last night I got my belly button pierced as well, and even though I'm thoroughly repulsed by my stomach at the minute thanks to my carefree eating habits (ew), I really really love it. Now I have extra reason to get my flabby stomach sorted because Andrew keeps saying he wants to see my piercing, and I don't want him to be so overwhelmed by my fat that he never wants to see it again.

Tomorrow is going to be my last day eating without thinking, and I really mean it, Monday is going to be the start of a new strict water fast. I'm going to start my exercise again and get skinnyskinnyskinny.

Then at the beginning of summer, I'll get my nose pierced too :)

fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat
fat.

fatter than I was before hiatus no. 2.
fatter than I have been in a long time.
fatter than I dare to ever be.

I will get back on track and I will be back where I had been before I messed everything up.
I cut last night, but this calls for the scissors again.

what am i doing.

Hiatus No. 2.

Valentine's Day sucked.
This weekend sucked.
Last week sucked.
My whole fucking year so far has sucked.

I'm tired of posting about my countless failures and escalating weight (still below GW1), so I'm not posting another thing until I'm back on track.

I'll catch up with your blogs and stuff when I get back, whenever the hell that'll be.

STOP FAILING.

The fresh cuts from last night on my hip are hurting.
My weight is appalling - although still less than my HW thank god.

If I start a fast tomorrow and continue through to the end of the half term holidays, that's twelve days of not eating, and hopefully that means I can break the 125.0 barrier in time for school after the holidays.

I will be at least 125.0 by the 22nd of February or so help me, I don't know what I'll do.

Laura, you suck.

If I ever see any of you in person, you have permission to slap me super hard as punishment for yesterday.

Less than 500 cals just didn't happen. Far from didn't happen actually.

Disgusting.

I even sat down on the morning and wrote down my plan for the day, the total came to about 399. When it came to lunch, I went into the kitchen to make the noodles (176) and what do I find? There aren't any left.

Shit.

So, the plan was blown pretty much right from the beginning. Downhill from there, and mad calorie consuming ensued.

Badbadbad.

The plan today WILL NOT fail. Everything on the list is definitely in the kitchen, I have checked. There is no reason for me to fail today.

HEAR THAT FATTY LAURA? NO REASON!

The plan today totals 399 again:

- 2 slices of plain white bread toast for lunch (188) (I've already had this)
- 1 cup of tea with one sugar (16)
- 1 blueberry yogurt (102)
- 1 tomato Cup-A-Soup (93)
- Diet Coke (0)

Yes, sounds good.

MOTIVATED.

Haze.

What's wrong with me? I can barely remember typing out my last post.

I know that I did, obviously because it's there, but the memory of typing it and clicking 'Post' is hazy, unreal. This past week, in fact, has felt pretty surreal to me, since G found out I was bulimic.

I can't even really describe it. Again there was that feeling that something astronomically huge had just happened, and yet to everyone else who remained unaware of that horrible Facebook conversation, absolutely nothing had changed.

Everything was still normal for them - still sane.

Is that why I'm getting an urge to cut, right now? Will the pain snap me back to everything that has become normal for me? Will it bring me back to my reality?

Or distance me further from it?

Only one way to find out.

I skipped school today, told my mam some half-bogus story about my leg causing me agony whenever I walk.
I got out of doing my Spanish homework too, score.

Today I am 499 calories.
noodles(176)+orangejuice(230)+cupasoup(93)=499.

I haven't weighed in days because I'm back to fearing what the scales tell me. A weekend of 500-or-less-a-day restriction + a 5-day fast = ready for scales.

When I am Aphrodite, I will soar.

New Persona?

I just want to go somewhere and cry.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
I don't want to see anyone.
I don't want to be fat anymore.

I'm exhausted. Just tired of everything that is wrong or could go wrong with my life.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

The solution is pretty much simple.

I wouldn't mind seeing people.
Andrew might ask me out (finally).
I'd be skinny.

The solution: stop eating.

And yet I can't even do that right.

From this moment, I am locking myself in my room at every available opportunity and never re-emerging until I sparkle like fairy dust and I'm so light that paper wings would weigh me down.

I need to catch this dream and never let it go.

I will be Aphrodite and thin. Forget LaurafatLaura, I am Aphrodite from now; clean cut and beautiful.

New month, new start.

Forget what I said at the end of my last post.

I binged last night. No purge.
I half-binged tonight. Purge.
I'm debating whether or not to tell G, I told her I'd stopped. Shit.

And then, for some reason I ate AGAIN a few hours after the purge? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

As of NOW, it is a new month for me, which means a fresh start, a new beginning.

It is time to STOP being such a goddamn failure, to buck my ideas up, and GET OUT of the 20s, because I'm sick to death of seeing that number!

GO GO GO.

Weekend Recap.

Friday: School. The heartwrenching Facebook conversation is not talked about or referred to, although I thought my heart stopped in my last lesson of the day because one of my friends went,

"Let's hope there'll be no puking this weekend!"
Ohmygod. Panic, fear, worry.
G (my best friend & the girl I had the Facebook conversation with), looks at me out of the corner of her eye. I know what she's thinking.
It suddenly clicks what the other friend was talking about; she was going out drinking with me that night.
Phew.

Friday night:

Drunk. I don't count calories in alcohol because it's usually the only calories I have all day. We were all in one bar until about eleven, then somehow we ended up in this little pizza place in town that I have never seen before in my life and probably can never find my way back to (yes, I was that drunk). According to one of my friends I kept whinging about how I wasn't going to eat any of the pizza they bought because there was too many calories, so I sat on the floor next to the table in my intoxicated state.

How long did that last? All of five minutes, and then I had a slice. Just one, but god it was incredible. Half eleven I got picked up by my mam, then when I got home I took one step into my house and threw up everywhere. Would I have been sick if I hadn't eaten that stupid slice of pizza? I can only wonder.

Mam was not happy with me. She knew I was going to be drinking (albeit begrudgingly considering my age), but she was still pretty pissed off.

Saturday:

Hungover. Baaaaaaaaaaaadly hungover. In fact, I woke up still drunk off the night before. Maybe I wouldn't have been so bad if I'd eaten before I drank (I actually hadn't eaten a thing since Tuesday night).

Anyway, hungover-Laura eats. I don't like her because she eats without counting the calories and she uses the hangover as an excuse for any binges. The logic doesn't even work.

So I ate pretty much normally yesterday, ew. (It didn't actually turn into a binge, because I didn't feel out of control when I was eating.) After my dinner at about half six last night (~500?) I really considered purging, but then I remembered I'd promised G (my best friend) that I'd stopped my bulimic ways just before Christmas, because her and C (the girl who originally found out) are seriously worried about me.

So, no purge. No purge = onslaught of guilt.

Onslaught of guilt disappears when Andrew admits he likes me. YAY. He still didn't ask me out, but I'm working on that.

Because guess what? Another night out drinking looks like it's on the cards for this Friday too! This will be the third Friday in a row I'll be getting wasted, but hopefully the first one that Andrew turns up to, because he successfully avoided the previous two (much to my disappointment). Anyway, if he does go, hopefully something will happen between us. Wow, I'm grinning like an idiot just thinking about it!

After Friday and yesterday, my weight when I woke up was 128.6, which is FAR too high for my liking, but good considering I thought it would be way higher. I'm prepared for another fast though, which is great.

I'm rereading Wintergirls (lovelovelove that book), and today I've had a cup of tea with one sugar (16).

Starving feels easy again. There's no desire to eat, and yesterday was a testament that even when I do, I feel back in control.

BYE BYE BINGING.

Emotional Wreck.

I'm a mess, an emotional wreck.

One of the girls who found out about my bulimic habits told my best friend, and we just had a really long conversation about it on Facebook. She started off by saying 'We need to talk :/' and as soon as she told me that she knew, I completely broke down.

It was like I'd lost who I was. I was confused, upset, shocked, scared - no, scratch that - terrified. What was I going to do?

I didn't even reply for about half an hour because I just sat there, curled up in a ball, crying my eyes out until my face was black with eyeliner and mascara and I didn't have it in me to cry anymore.

She says she's worried.
I cry.
She says she's scared.
I cry more.
She says she knew I'd lost too much weight.

At this, I bawl and almost wish I could die.

Because I didn't lose too much/she didn't say anything/I'm still fat/I can never lose enough.

I might skip school tomorrow, I don't know if I can handle seeing these two girls again without sobbing.

i don't know who i am anymore < / 3

Thoughts of a Disordered Mind.

Two sugars.
One. +16
Two. +16

Thirty two. Small, miniscule, tiny.

I want to be tiny.

Two sugars (32), stir/stir/stir, now quick/fast/run, get out of there.

Red alert red alert.

Strawberry tarts/white bread buns/blue packets of chicken noodles/chocolate bars/cheese and onion crisps/pizza dripping with tomato sauce.

Disgust/panic/escape.

Run away with your tea, don't look back. Deodorant for emergencies.

Calories are nasty; they make stomachs bulge and thighs wobble and bums swell and eyes leak when they look in the mirror.

You've gained/get rid of it.

You deserve nothing/no-one/except Ana.

She loves you. You left her - nasty, cruel, heartless - but she's flying back, fighting with you against the frenemy/food.

*Flying because she's lighter than air; double figures = beautiful. Bones are expensive porcelain only for the elite. Food is for the weak, destroy it not yourself.*

Don't leave her again because she might not come back this time; even Andrew couldn't fill that hole.

He hasn't asked you to be his girlfriend (yet?). You're too fat - ugly rings of flab encase your true potential. The beauty's inside; you just haven't reached it yet.

Andrew is apparently two stone underweight. ilovehim.

I want to be two stone underweight.

It's OK, Ana will help.

I feel the workings of change; I feel like I'm back at that time when I was empty for over two weeks. Strong safe secure.

You can do that again.

Don't weigh now, you're not empty unless you've strayed from food for over three days - live by this rule. Weigh on Saturday, report back with findings.

if you don't ask me soon, i don't know what i'll do < / 3

Panic.

Me and alcohol are not a good mix.
Friday night I told several friends I'd gone 16 days without food.
I also told them I was bulimic.

Oh god...

Love?

I'm back down to 126.6!
HUZZAH.

How can you tell when you're in love?
I think I'm falling for Andrew.
Hard.
♥

A Blip.

YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK, YOU SUCK.

Unacceptable. Disgusting. PATHETIC.

It was a blip, not a failure, a BLIP. One minor speed bump, and it's smooth sailing again from tomorrow onwards!

Problem with ABC on Saturday I think, my friend asked me and several others to go around her house to stay on Saturday night for her birthday. It will be empty save for us, and just like Friday night, there will be a LOT of alcohol consumption. I can lie and say I ate before I left my house but still, what can I do about ABC? Hmmm.

I find it funny that I'm talking about drinking all this alcohol and I'm not even the legal age, hahaha :')

Potential stupid question: is it still a fast if you drink alcohol but don't eat anything? 'Cause if it's still technically fasting, I think I'll attempt fasting until next Monday and starting ABC then.

Yeah, I will do that. It's the second day of fasts I'm having problems with...

BUCK IT UP FFS.

Ramblings.

Hey you. Fat girl.
Yeah, you, the fat girl in the mirror.
Stop eating.

Once again, I feel like I'm letting everyone down by eating so much! Last night was awful; a little while after my mam asked if I wanted some pizza and I said no, she went to bed and I went downstairs to watch a film on TV. I went into the kitchen for some diet pepsi, and oh look, very strategically placed 3 slices of leftover pizza. I made it about halfway through the film and then off I went. I ate them.

But did I stop there? Oh no, no I didn't. Full on binge occurred then, with no opportunity to purge because my mam was in bed and would have heard me. Thankfully, unlike most of my previous binges, I didn't wake up this morning with the stomach of a pregnant woman - I still looked (fat) almost like I did pre-binge. MIRACLE.

And then today, I went downstairs for a cup of tea (32), and OH LOOK LOOK LOOK, a box of assorted chocolate biscuits on the table. Thanks mam, YOU SUCK.

But it's OK! I didn't eat any of them! In fact, I did something even I consider weird: I reached in and took a milk chocolate finger - which smelled absolutely fabulous by the way - grabbed some kitchen roll and a cigarette lighter and returned upstairs to my room, where I proceeded to burn the chocolate finger with the lighter. Um, what?

I'm going to tell you now, the smell was quite disgusting. It officially put me off eating it, and then I wrapped the finger in the kitchen roll, sprayed it numerous times with deodorant and shoved it under my bed with my other plastic bags of uneaten food.

I can tell what you're thinking: wow, that's messed up!, or something along those lines. But it worked, so whatever.

On a different note, I think I've worked out one of the reasons behind my binging. If I spend my night in my room (I don't go out on a night - haha, loser - because all my friends live ages away from me. Ugh) then I'm about 99% less likely to eat than if I stay downstairs. I don't even know why it is, but that seems to be the case.

New rule: only go downstairs for very brief periods of time and stay OUT of the kitchen until back upstairs. Then you can have tea.

And it's a long time since I've mentioned Andrew, I think. Most of my friends are convinced that he likes me (as in, like like, lol) and I'm fairly sure I like him too. But we're both pretty shy people and don't really know how to go about getting to that next stage. I'm actually thinking of asking him to come to the gig thing on Friday night when I'll be completely off my face, which will pretty much guarantee that something will happen between us. Hmm, I'll have to consult my best friend, she's an expert on boys. Unlike stupid naive me, LOL.

Stay strong and think thin girls,
xoxo.

Pizza?

No mam, I do not want any of your stupid 140-cal per slice pepperoni pizza, so you can take it and SHOVE IT. Maybe I wouldn't be in such a shit mood if you hadn't been ignoring me ALL FUCKING DAY. The thing that happened last night is over and done with, so get over it and MOVE ON.

GOD I'M SO ANGRY.

Oh, I got my period today (sorry if that's TMI for some of you) so I have proven that friend wrong. Ha. That's just another excuse to not weigh because it'll affect the number, plus it'll probably still be too high for my liking anyway. Ugh, FML.

Day 2 of my fast (I did fuck up Thursday night) and I've had 48 cals worth of tea. People usually say it's easier to fast when you're in a good mood, but for me it's the other way around. If I'm angry or depressed - or any other 'negative' emotion - I find it a lot easier to starve than if I'm happy. Odd.

But hey, I'm not complaining :)

Think thin ladies,
xoxo.

Oh Dear.

Well tonight's been interesting. If you're not on Facebook, I'm going to warn you: it can be responsible for a lot of shit going around. One little comment gets blown out of proportion, people tell parents, parents tell your parents who are then super pissed at you for this little thing that might not even be true, and then everything goes to shambles.

Ilovethedrama/excitement/scandalthatcomeswithit.

The whole ordeal has put me in such a bad mood, because of course I was blamed for the entire fucking thing, that tonight there isn't even a desire to eat. One 32-calorie cup of tea has kept me going through the whole thing.

And another benefit is that hopefully my mam will be so pissed at me that she won't notice/mind/care that I'm not eating. I love when things work out to my advantage! And I'm going out tomorrow so I can lie and say I ate while out :)

Stay strong & think thin,
xoxo.

More Planning.

Thankyou so much for supportive comments, they are really appreciated :)

OK, yet another change of plans. ABC is not starting tomorrow; I am fasting until next Friday, then I'm going out Friday night to town with some friends and I am getting well and truly wasted. I'm going to have one night where I'm not busy counting calories in alcohol, I'm just going to be getting drinks and downing them at every available opportunity until I can barely walk. That should be easy because it will all go straight to my head because my stomach will be emptyyyyyyyyyyy.

Ilovethatwordempty.

So that means no food until next Saturday, when I will be starting ABC. The main reason I'm postponing it and fasting until then is that I can't remember a time I was more terrified of the scales than now. I do not want to weigh myself because the number will make me want to die, so hopefully after 7/8 days of ZERO food zero/zero/zero I will be a lot lighter.

Sounds like a plan. YOU CAN DO THIS. Positive thinking, GO GO GO.

I ran 5 and a half miles in half an hour on the Wii Fit last night, repeat performance please?

Stay strong my lovely skinny girls,
xoxo.

A brief personal history, plans & ABC.

I fasted yesterday and most of today. Because I suck, I messed up, BAD BAD BAD. I hate posting after a bad day because I feel so terrible that I'm letting you all down. It's not just the eating thing either, I have another confession to make.

I started cutting again. And not only that, it's getting worse. I only cut my hips now because my scissors are too awkward to maneouvre to cut my thigh, and it's easier to cut my hip obviously because of the bone. Anyway, when I'd previously cut my hips, it would sting a little during the next day and bleed a little after I'd just done it. This time, the cuts bled for hours after I'd done them, and I had to sleep with tissues stuffed into the waistband of my underwear. It's also two days later and they still hurt.

But you know what? I'm going to do it again later. I don't know if anyone else has had this happen, but if I cut, I'm a hell of a lot less likely to eat the next day - is that just me? And if it's going to get down to the point where I'm either cutting or eating, I'd rather cut. I don't hate myself afterwards, I feel better. So I'm sorry that one of my New Year's Resolutions is down the toilet, but I'm afraid you'll have to live with it.

I haven't had a period since November, and oddly, I didn't even notice. Me and my friends are really close, so we can talk about that kind of thing without it being weird, and one of my friends said that if your periods stop, it's possibly because you're not eating properly. And you know what she did?

She fucking looked at me. Like, not just a quick coincidental glance, a pointed look. As if to say, 'So if YOUR periods stop, don't be surprised.'

Perhaps I'd better explain. I mentioned way back in September that I've had issues with eating for a long while, and as far as I can remember it started when I was about twelve/thirteen. Don't get me wrong, I thought I was fat for a very long time before even that, but being very young I loved eating too much to do anything about it - plus family and friends told me I was being stupid and I foolishly believed them.

Anyway, me and my best friend at the time were short on money for Christmas presents, and so we decided to not go to the school canteen for dinner and save up our dinner money to buy presents. Problem was, I didn't go back to getting dinner for most of the remainder of that year (Year Eight in secondary school) or even after me and that girl stopped talking (for good).

The summer in between Year Eight and Nine I ate a hell of a lot less than I normally did, my diet consisted basically of water, soup and apples for at least the first couple of weeks of the holidays. But during the actual school year, I went back to eating dinner normally, except instead of eating from school, I brought in either soup or noodles in a flask. I can't even remember the summer between Year Nine and Ten.

Year Ten was when I got really bad. About November time, I gave up eating solids altogether except for cough sweets. At this point, my mam and grandparents were beginning to get concerned and suspicious and so I started eating soup to keep them happy. This lasted about a month and then I switched cough sweets for mints and started eating dinner on a night again. By summer of that year I was almost back to 'normal'. I didn't eat dinner on a lunchtime, but I was used to that. My new friends accepted it and now they don't find it weird or even alarming - it's just who I am. In fact, when my friends and I did secret Santa this Christmas, the girl who got me gave me several things including four boxes of Tic Tacs as a joke. Needless to say, my mam didn't quite get it but whatever.

This year is going to be different; I'm going to undergo a complete makeover. I'm quite known for having very long hair (almost down to my enormous backside) and I'm getting it cut down to just below my shoulders and getting a full fringe put in next week. Mid-February me and a friend have plans to go to town and get our belly buttons pierced (115 by then - c'mon!). And since it's my last year in compulsory education this year, I have to think about college or sixth form for the autumn. I was dead set on leaving my school but now I'm beginning to reconsider and I'm seriously thinking about staying on in the sixth form to do my A Levels. Whatever the case, when I come back in the autumn I want people to see how skinny I've gotten, I want my hair dyed a very sexy dark purple-ish colour and I won't eat a thing in sight.

Just thought I'd let you all know that I'm starting ABC tomorrow - wish me luck! Hopefully this will stop my stupid incessant binging.

EDIT: Never mind, I'm fasting tomorrow, starting ABC on Friday so that I can be empty when I get my starting weight :)

Think thin ladies,
xoxo.

It's no wonder you're a fat failure for fuck's sake. Where has all your control gone, your ability to not be tempted by food for over two weeks?

This time you cannot eat, THAT IS IT. No excuses, no starting over the next day, FINISHED.

YOU WILL NOT EAT.
YOU WILL NOT EAT.
YOU WILL NOT.
FUCKING.
EAT.

Everything you take from the kitchen, you spray with deodorant and shove it under your bed. You won't eat it, NO YOU WILL NOT.

You've been fucking up BIG TIME lately, but it's school again tomorrow and the routine will be back, no exceptions to this one simple rule:

YOU WILL NOT EAT.

Your weight at the minute is appalling, you FAT FAT failure. You've been invited out on the 22nd - good for you, right?

WRONG.

You absolutely CANNOT go if you are not at a new low weight by then. That gives you ten/eleven days to drop 5/6 pounds. GET FUCKING TO IT AND STOP MESSING UP.

You do not want to eat.
You hate eating.
Therefore you aren't going to eat until you pass out.

You aren't allowed tea anymore, that is your punishment. It's water or nothing from now on.

Waste away. Self destruct.

Do anything but eat!