Blog hiatus//Last post of 2009.

Yep, you guys read that right. Starting today, I'm officially on a blogging hiatus. Don't worry, it's not because I'm sick of it, or I'm attempting recovery or anything like that. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

For some unknown reason that I can't fathom, I can be going strong during a fast, losing quite happily, and then I post my progress to you all, and it's like someone has reached in and cruelly snatched all my willpower away - the desire to eat becomes too much, so I do. Then it turns into a massive fuck-up and I'm back where I started before the fast - disappointed, miserable and wondering what went wrong this time.

For example, last night, I posted my little internal conversation where I stated I wasn't going to eat. Guess what, I did. I'm still lighter this morning than I was the day before yesterday (I didn't weigh yesterday after all) but there's still that knowledge that I was most likely lighter yesterday and I messed it up, like I always do.

I'm sick of this being the way things happen, so I think this is going to be my last post in 2009. I've been blogging for 3 months and 3 days, and I haven't lost anywhere near how much I want to. That's all changing as of today.

How ironic is it that in order to devote myself more to Ana, I'm staying away from my own pro-Ana blog?

I got a Wii Fit for Christmas, and I used it today for the first time. I've already done 1hr 10mins on it, mostly aerobics with some balance work, and I want to do more later. My aim is to do at least an hour everyday along with a new tea fast (is there such thing?) until about mid-January. I'm not going to weigh again until January 16th, and that is the planned date of my next post.

I'm currently 128.0, I want to be a minimum of 119.0 by January 16th. 9lbs in 19 days? I can do that.

I hope everyone has a fantastic New Year, I will continue to read blogs I'm following and I'll read every single comment that gets posted on any of my posts. All you wonderful skinnies out there, remember that I love you, that I couldn't do this without you, and that your support means the world to me♥

Think thin everyone!
xoxo.

Are you hungry?
No.
Then why are you even contemplating it?
Because I really want noodles, dammit.
How many calories?
176.
Which would make your total for today...?
240. That's not too high is it?
You tell me.
No it's not.
Alright then. Go and make yourself the noodles.
I don't want to.
Oh, why not?
Because I'll be disappointed in myself, and I might not be able to stop after noodles.
But you said it would be OK, the last binge has been and gone.
I always say that. I need to stick to it this time.
Well make the noodles but control yourself afterwards.
No.
What now?
I'm tired of failing, of fucking up. I'm sick of being fat.
Don't eat then.
I'm not going to.
Good. If you walk into that kitchen, you either come out with nothing or a cup of tea (32).
I'll stay here thanks. Nothing sounds perfect.

There's nothing inside her.

Over the course of the past two days, I have consumed 128 calories all in the form of tea. I honestly never realised how much I love tea. I feel like I could live off it - hey, that sounds like a good idea.

Unfortunately, my fast might be sabotaged later because my grandma saved me some mince and dumplings from dinner that I didn't have. My mam's expecting me to eat it at some point today and in short, I'm panicking. I don't know how I can avoid it. The best idea I have at the minute is flushing the mince down the toilet and somehow putting the dumpling in the bin. Hmm, I'll have to work on it.

I woke up yesterday at another despicable weight, but then I weighed again before I went to bed and I'd lost 1.6lbs. WTF. I'm not complaining or anything, but how did that happen? Anyway, I haven't weighed today yet, so I'm going to do it just before bed and see if I've lost much more. If I haven't, I might cry.

Oh, I also came very close to cutting again last night - I even got the scissors and put them to my skin - but just before I started I stopped myself. No need to give me even more reason to hate what I look like, so I'm officially stopping. No more. It does not and will not help me.

I hope everyone's Christmases were fantastic and that Santa got you everything you wanted, lol. He seems to have given me a great big helping of willpower that arrived yesterday morning, and how rude of me would it be to not use it?

118 by the 31st. Stick to the fast and you can do it Laura.

Stay strong girls,
xoxo.

Rest in pieces.

Lillie: Yes, the offer for a texting partner is still open - the more the merrier! I guess you and Rachel can share! No worries, there is certainly enough of me to go around unfortunately :(

And to all the lovely skinnies who commented my last post, thank you for doing so and I hope you all achieve your own resolutions in the year to come :)

--

Well, yesterday morning I was 125.8, and I should have known less than 500 was a long shot on today of all days. Yes, food-wise, today was terrible. But I can't and won't let that deter me - I'll check the damage tomorrow morning, get depressed, WILL NOT CUT, and then start on the way to the whole new me. It will be like today never even happened (food-wise only, of course).

And the really irritating thing? It wasn't even the dinner that got me, it was the stupid little snacks during the day that made the calories all add up. For dinner, all I had was:

- 1 slice of turkey,
- Tiny bit of ham,
- 1 stalk of broccoli,
- 1 roast potato,
- 1/2 a yorkshire pudding.

Which, for a Christmas dinner, is a rather miniscule amount (in my opinion anyway). But then sweets, chocolates, crisps...BAD BAD BAD. It's all over - Ana gave me the day off today but it's back to work first thing tomorrow.

The last binge of 2009 occurred on the 25th December. 2010 will be binge-free, and I will bury the pounds along with this past year.

May they rest in pieces.

2010

My New Year's Resolutions are as follows:

1. Get down to 120 at least by mid-January.
2. Once down under 120, do not raise above it again.
3. Drink more water!
4. No more binging.
5. No more purging.
6. STOP CUTTING.
7. Restrict to 1000 cals a day max when not fasting.
8. Try to fast as often as you can.

Who's with me?
xoxo.

Optimism, how I love you so.

Last night was bad. Very, very bad. B-A-D. I can't even bear to put this morning's weight because I'm so ashamed. I will get back on track though, and I will make those pounds DISAPPEAR.

Liquid fast today and tomorrow, and because my mam forgot to buy Slim-A-Soup - or even Cup-A-Soup - that means I'm officially living off cups of tea for at least the next 36 hours. That takes me up to midnight on Christmas Eve, then I follow my plan for Christmas Day - less than 500, you can do it! - then fastfastFAST until New Year's.

You know that feeling when starving suddenly feels like the easiest thing in the world? I have that feeling right now, and I'm going to make good use of it!

(Wow, I'm not usually this optimistic. Must be the festive cheer finally catching me up!)

When I go back to school, I want the general reaction to be, 'Wow, you've lost so much weight!'

The worried glances, the horrified stares, the whispers behind the hands. I want it all, because that means I'm doing this right, and I'm doing it well.

I think the next time I'll be seeing my friends will be in 2010 - wow, that sounds weird - and it will be a whole new me. While everyone else is complaining that they think they've put on weight over the holidays, I will sit there and smile secretly that while they've been gaining, I've been losing. And it will be fantastic, and wonderful and the knowledge will be so wonderously sweet that I won't miss all the chocolates and sweets I passed up to get there.

Because I will be lighter.
Prettier.

Thinner.

xoxo.

Dear Anonymous,

I'll have you know I had no fucking idea that there were even rumours of Brittany having an eating disorder, so to come onto my blog and accuse me of exploiting that is completely out of order. I actually don't know much about the woman, and I've only seen her in one or two films, when she looked perfectly healthy. And I'll also have you know that that's all it is, a rumour. There hasn't been a confirmation that there was even anything mentally wrong with her, so at least make sure what you're accusing me of doing has a shred of definite truth which, at the minute, it doesn't.

Yeah, maybe starving myself to a quick death would be the best. After all, how dare I prolong my existence when it offends people like you so? How very selfish of me. I apologise for the great personal wrong I have done you. After all, you clearly understand everything I'm going through one hundred percent and therefore that simply must give you the right to judge me, someone you don't even know.

Yes, I'm psychotic. Clearly. Obviously you're very knowledgeable on the subject of psychosis, and are well aware of the fact that eating disorders are not generally classed as a form of psychosis, as this usually involves hallucinations and delusions, none of which I have experienced.

'But surely you're deluded because you think you weigh too much!'

Erm, no. I know that I weigh a healthy, normal amount. Unfortunately, weighing a healthy, normal amount makes me deeply unhappy, which is a part of this illness. Oh, I'm not deluded in that sense either; I acknowledge this as an illness. I'm so very sorry for killing your argument, how terrible of me. Feel free to add that to my list of offences.

I'm thoughtless too, got it in one. Although I'm slightly confused, kindly explain to me how you know this without ever having had a conversation with me? You don't know me, you don't know that my friends and family are a very important part of my life that I couldn't live without, that I love them with all my heart and I would never hurt any of them. I know, that makes me the bitch you claim I am, how could I not see?

Next time you think you have the audacity to post such a hurtful comment on my blog, get your facts right before posting it. That'll save me devoting an entire post just to you. I bet you feel special.

R.I.P

127.6 this morning. I've had two cups of tea with sugar (64) and I might have another later, so my total would be 96. My mam will not get to me today, I refuse to let her. If I manage to lose another 2lbs overnight, I'll be surprised and ecstatic.

Also, R.I.P Brittany Murphy - she's my thinspo for today out of respect. She wasn't as thin as I'd like to be, but she was thinner than I am now, so what the hell.

Think thin!

xoxo.

Please excuse profanity.

SHIT. Nononononononono, UNDO. Rewind!

Damn my mother for noticing, for making me eat. Oh god, I don't even know the exact amount of calories...shit! I know it's about the 1000 mark, but shit that's bad! Fuck weighing next Thursday, I'm weighing now, just before bed, tomorrow morning and next Thursday.

SHIT.

And bloody hell Andrew, STOP TEXTING ME AT THE WORST TIMES.

And where the hell have those scissors gone?!

Edit: I weigh 127.2. FML.

Good & Bad

I don't know how I managed to do it, but I got the calorie amount wrong for the tea with sugar last night. I ended up having three cups instead of two because I was craving pizza so bad and I needed a distraction to stop me shoving one in the oven. It worked! I didn't have any pizza - HA. So proud of myself.

Anyway, turns out it's 32 cals for one cup, not two, and I only noticed this after my last cup, so my total count for yesterday sky-rocketed from 86 to 150. Just. Like. That. I was so mad at myself - I screwed up with calorie counting, how?! I'm in top set for maths, I get the highest marks possible in basically every maths test I do, so how I managed to screw up a simple calculation like that is beyond me.

Thank god it didn't do any damage though - I was 126.0 this morning! That's down two pounds since yesterday, which, y'know, isn't as good as I'd like (but then, my ideal overnight weight loss would be the remaining thirty-one pounds I have to lose...) but at least it's progress! This morning will be the last time I weigh before next Thursday, and then I'll post whatever I am then as my official Christmas weight, unless I somehow manage to sneakily weigh myself on Christmas morning before the present-opening chaos ensues. We'll see.

Much to my annoyance, I've had to make some changes to my Christmas lunch plan. My mam and grandma basically teamed up against me and said that me making the low-cal chocolate angel cake would be too much fuss and then - horror of all horrors - my grandma offered to make me a normal spongecake and custard instead. Holy crap no! - I wouldn't have any idea of the calories I'd be consuming, I'd be so out of control, and I can't handle that. I protested my case but they were pretty adamant that I'd not be making that cake - I'm also hoping my grandma won't make that cake because that would be bad. Plus my mam said she wouldn't bother getting low-fat cocoa anyway, so I'd have had to make do with regular cocoa if I did make it. Damn, why must they make this so hard for me?

I suppose making those changes could be good though - if I'm not forced to eat a god-only-knows-how-many-calories-are-in-this cake with custard, by cutting out the angel cake all day, my total intake would be reduced by 106, and that is good. That would mean if I follow what I was originally planning (minus the cake), my total intake on Christmas Day would be less than 500. I like the sound of that a lot, especially because the people all around me would most likely be exceeding that by hundreds, maybe thousands if they're anything like the people who eat 6000 cals on the day - seriously, how?

OK, the plan for today:

- 1 Cup-A-Soup (76), because that was the last Slim-A-Soup yesterday, damn.
- 1 cup of tea w/ sugar (32)
Total: 108

Now, I know I'll be having more than 108 (I don't want to, that's such a tiny number. I can't wait until I weigh that...) because my mam said earlier we'd be having snowballs tonight (the drink, lol), and I have no idea whatsoever about the number of calories in one. Anyone have an average number for me??

Also, does anyone know the website where you put in: your weight, height, daily calorie intake & exercise level, and it tells you how much weight you can lose every week in a table? I read it in someone's blog but can't remember whose, and I've spent about the last hour trying to find it again. Any help appreciated!

And, it's snowing outside. I love snow - it makes me think of Wintergirls. I might read that again, it was excellent thinspo.

Stay strong!
xoxo.

ARGH.

I lost the maths compass, so I grabbed a pair of scissors I was using to wrap presents, and away I went. The skin over my hip bones was killing me all through the next day, and it actually felt good. God I'm sick.

Anyway. It's that family Christmas party tonight, and I'm not going. I went through about a dozen outfits, found something wrong with how I looked in all of them, stormed downstairs in a very bad mood and announced to my mam that I'm not going. She didn't even react for about five minutes, she just plain ignored me. This further pissed me off.

She needs to get out of the house so I can break something. Something small because I get really bad guilt, but just something. Last time I felt like this I hurled coloured pencils and my tin of lip moisturiser at my bedroom wall - that didn't do the trick so I made a pile of soft clothing and chucked my phone into it full force (the soft clothing because I can't bear to break my phone). Still didn't feel better, so I repeated all of the above several times and screamed into a pillow.

That was nearly three weeks ago now, and that damned feeling is back. And Andrew has just this second text me. He's lovely and I enjoy talking to him and everything, but NOT NOW. I'm going to ignore him, so that means he'll probably text again in an hour or two. Well I'm sorry but I'm turning my phone off for the night because I'm just plain old not in the mood. Rachel, if you tried to text me and are reading this, that's why I haven't replied lol.

OK, liquid fast starting today. I haven't had anything so far and I plan on having:

- 1 cup Slim-A-Soup (54)
- 2 cups of tea w/ sugar (32)
Total: 86

There. That should keep me happy. And if it doesn't, fuck it, I'm not having anything else whether I like it or not. Who knows though, with the mood I'm in right now I might not have any of that, I am that angry.

Think thin girls (or guys)!
xoxo.

Maybe...

Thanks to new followers and the three wonderful skinnies who commented on my letter to Mia:

SBB: I know right? I hate her! Yes, as of now, I'm officially giving Mia the cold shoulder! :D

Aimee: Yeah, me and Ana are going to be inseperable from now on - Mia can go find someone else to bother :)

Thinvincible: No problem girl, any time you need any help or just someone to talk to, I'm here! Oh no, trust me, Mia is not nice to have around. She is one hell of a bitch, be thankful you don't have to deal with her, lol! :D

--

691 calories.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?! ARGHHHHH.

I currently weigh 127.2 lbs. I was 127.0 this morning so thankfully damage wasn't as bad as I thought. PHEW.

On the topic of Andrew, he text me about two hours ago asking if I was feeling better today. I ignored this because I'm really not but I feel like I'm letting him down by being so depressed. He text me again about a quarter of an hour ago asking if I was OK with a little worried face. I have my reply typed out and everything - 'Don't worry, I haven't killed myself or anything x'. I'm at least halfway happy with that - short, simple, and not exactly a lie. I needn't tell him I'm currently on the verge of killing myself. Who knows, it might freak him out just a little.

Oh, there we go. Suicide ideation. I was wondering when that one would come along. And as of last night, I think I have pseudologia fantastica (compulsive lying disorder). Well, it's not so much that I think I have it, it's that it describes rather accurately a lot of my behaviour as of late so it wouldn't surprise me if I did have it.

Or who knows? Maybe this is all just my eating disorder talking. As in, my lying was never a problem until Ana came along. Or maybe it was simply an underlying condition that I only thought was never an issue, and Ana was the trigger that made it spiral out of control...

Or, fuck all of that. I'm a hypochondriac. Simple.

Anyway, I'm in a very jittery mood, like I don't know what to do with myself. I feel energetic but when I stand up I feel faint, so that's not very helpful.

I need a knife, I need to cut. But I can't go get one without my mam being down my throat, and honestly, how the hell would I explain that? But sadly, the brooch isn't working as well anymore...I need to find something sharper. I have a maths compass I could try...

Yes. Maths compass. I need that rush back.

Stay strong my wonderful skinny readers!
xoxo.

Tomorrow is a new day.

You'll probably have noticed I put the content warning on. I can tell my posts are getting darker, more explicit, and so I thought it best to put it on.

I'd just like to point out now that;

THE FOLLOWING IS NOT INTENDED TO OFFEND, MOCK OR OTHERWISE INSULT PEOPLE SUFFERING FROM AND/OR LIVING WITH BULIMIA. THIS IS PURELY DESCRIBING MY OWN EXPERIENCE WITH THIS PARTICULAR EATING DISORDER AND HOW I WISH TO ERASE IT FROM MY LIFE.

--

Dear Mia,

I'm going to be one hundred percent honest with you. I don't like you. I never have, I never will. You're like the friend I can't get rid of. You know the one, she's clingy and she follows you everywhere - she barely lets you breathe because she's like your fucking shadow. Yeah, that's you Mia.

That. Is. You.

I want very much for you to go away. To just crawl into a corner somewhere and leave me alone. Leave me alone with Ana. Ana's nicer than you. She can make me feel good about myself because when I'm with her I know I haven't failed; I've been strong and said no. She points out the bones that protrude more than yesterday and she claps when the numbers on the scale go down. When I'm with you, it means I've failed, messed up - and you're there to remind me while I try and set things right again, get back on the right track.

That's all you are - a way for me to try and turn things around after it's already gone wrong. You remind me of all the things I shouldn't have done and I hate you for that. You're like the "cure", except you don't make anyone better. Ana is the prevention, and prevention is always better than cure.

There are more things I hate about you too. You taunt and goad after I've eaten a 'normal' amount until I can't bear it any more and I run upstairs to make it better. You make me feel guilt so strong that my knuckles turn white when I resort to shoving my toothbrush down my throat to get that empty feeling back. And what pisses me off the most? You don't even hold my hair back while I'm doing it.

No, not even a simple favour like that. Instead you watch me suffer, elated that I spent the day with you and not Ana. You don't like her, do you?

Well I don't care what you like. You can go ahead and keep other people company, the people who don't mind that you're there, or maybe who even want you there. But not me. You can stay away from me from now on. I'm done.

I'm sticking with Ana from now on.

Ana understands.
Ana cares.
Ana helps.


Laura.

Always gonna be another mountain.

SBB: Thank you so much for the supportive advice! When I was texting 'Andrew' last night, I "jokingly" (ha) asked him if he would stop talking to me if I was mad, and thank god he said no. He said that wouldn't be fair - but I didn't really doubt him in the first place; he's such a nice person, and he seems to care about me. I mean, he thinks I'm depressed and stuff and he constantly asks what's wrong. I never tell him, but it's nice to know that someone has noticed and is trying to help. Other guys I've met in the past wouldn't do that :)

I'm feeling better today. Woke up back down to 126.8 so I'm happy about that.

OK, so far today I've had:

2 Oreos (104)
1/2 a tin of tomato soup (122)
1 cup of tea with 2 sugars (32)

and I plan on having either a plate of noodles later (176), or the rest of the soup (122). Probably the noodles though, because I'm craving them so bad.

That brings today's total to either 380 or 434. Less than yesterday either way. Good :)

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

I am anything but jolly this Christmas.

'Chin up, it's Christmas soon!'
Yes, 'tis the season to be fucking jolly.

Woke up this morning at 128.6 after a particularly bad weekend. Depression. Self-loathing. Same old, same old. If I wasn't so miserable, I'd try and stop the repetition.

470 calories today - I ate so I'm not happy, but it's under 500 so I can live with it.

On a different topic, there's this boy I've been talking to a lot over the past couple of months. For sake of privacy/safety, I'll call him Andrew instead of his real name. Anyway, I get the feeling that he likes me, but I've never been good with being able to tell that kind of thing, so I'm probably wrong. This is going to sound weird, but I've only ever seen him in person once when he came with me and some friends to the cinema recently; I met him on Facebook and I text him almost everyday now (he's not a creep or some guy lying about his age or anything weird like that).

At the minute, we're strictly friends, nothing has happened between us or anything. I don't even know if I feel that way about him. But it's scary how much I've opened up to him - I've told him things nobody else knows about, so much so that he can tell there's something wrong with me. Friday night he chose just the best moment to text me (note sarcasm), when I was in the middle of purging the horrible amount of calories I'd just had. I came so close to telling him everything - about Ana, about my self-injury, about my brushes with Mia, just absolutely everything because I'm scared that if I keep bottling it up like I have been, I'm going to break.

But at the same time, I couldn't tell him a single thing. And I damn well knew it.

I managed to convince him that it was just a low point and that he shouldn't worry, but tonight I ended up telling him that I'm good at hiding things, and that I'm a brilliant liar when I need to be. I need to stop dropping so many hints. I have to. If he finds out about all the things that are wrong with me, he'll try and fix me, try and put me right. He's just that kind of person. I can't let that happen, he can't take Ana, can't take my comfort or my control.

I won't let him.

Post binge.

I went without eating from Sunday through to about half four last night. Oh my god, last night was so awful. I ate an absolutely disgusting amount, so bad I can't even bear to put the exact number on here, but I'll say this: it was under the daily recommended intake, but only just. Yep, I told you it was bad. Anyway, my weight as of last night is as follows:

Pre-binge: 124.6lbs.
Post-binge/pre-purge: 127.0lbs.
Post-purge: 126.0lbs.
This morning: 124.8lbs.

I feel like my post-purge weight wasn't enough, that purging all the crap I ate didn't do enough. I mean, there was still a 1.4lb gain afterwards. I know I shouldn't get so worked up about it since there's only been a 0.2lb gain even after last night, but still.

There's absolutely no way in hell now that I'm going to be 120 by tomorrow night, it's just not going to happen. I've also decided that any weight below 120 for Christmas is fine by me - although I would like it to be as low as possible. GW2 has been achieved, that is my motivation. I'm sticking by the rules again, I will use thinspo to remind myself of why I'm doing this.

I took more pictures last night post-purge, but I'll only post one as some reverse thinspo for you all, before posting some proper thinspo. Please ignore the fact that I'm standing on my toilet, it was just so that I could take a decent photo as the mirror I used last time was sadly unavailable.

My calves. My thighs. I make myself sick. I will be thinner.
I will.

Thinking thin,
xoxo.

A myriad of feelings.

Quick post because I'm annoyed. Well, mostly annoyed. Several things are responsible for my mood right now:

1. I'm irritated because I caved and weighed again tonight (after drinking quite a bit of sugarfree, calorie-free diet coke, I will admit).
2. I'm happy because I'm down to 126.0! One lb until GW2 is achieved, and six to lose before Sunday (yes, that sounds very likely Laura. Well done for being so weak at the weekend).
3. I'm furious with myself for having 720 calories tonight - WTF?! However, I feel slightly better that it comes entirely from fruit juice and I still haven't eaten since Sunday - woo!
4. I'm pissed off at the scales my mam gave back to my grandma a while ago, because apparently they tell lies - they say you're 4.4lbs (2kg) heavier than you actually are! That means my HW is not 143.5 like I originally thought, but 139.1. That also means I've lost less than I thought :(

but I really love this one:

5. I'm ecstatic because GW2 is also the point at which I've lost a whole stone! That's 14lbs for those who don't understand how stones work :)

I'm in the process of working out how to avoid dinner tomorrow night - but thanks to my mam I know I'm going to have to have a 157cal drink from Starbucks when we go out. There's simply no avoiding it. But for the sake of my mental wellbeing (ha, that made me laugh), I'm not going to count a Mango & Passionfruit Frappuccino as food, although it's slightly solid because of the ice.

Or if I'm really lucky, I could say I feel sick again (I did this last night to avoid dinner), but that comes with a chance of suspicion. I'll have to see how everything goes.

I hope all you skinnies are staying strong! :)

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

The recovered is my trigger.

KEMPER: Since you asked for the recipe and the plans, you can find them here and here respectively. The reason there are different numbers beside almost every food item on the Christmas plan list is because obviously the amount of calories depends on how you cook it, how big the portion is, etc., so I just took an average amount for certain things from the Internet. Remember it is a guide, so the actual amount of calories you consume is pretty much a guess (although hopefully an accurate one).

Aimee: I know, 2000 a day makes me feel sick, never mind 6000! I don't know how people can manage to eat that much in one day, especially when there are so many people like us who probably eat less than that in a full week - sometimes even in a month (when taking fasting into account etc.). If you're interested in my Christmas plans, you can see above for download links. Thank you for the compliment on my picture, I know exactly what you mean - I just ignore it when people say I look "good" because I just remember they don't see what I see. I hope you're staying strong too!

Don't give up girls! x

--

OK, a recovered anorexic girl just came back to school in the past week. This is the same girl I mentioned in passing a few posts ago; the one that was friends with my current friends a few years ago when she first got sick (since then, we've both kind of made new friends, her old friends becoming my new friends etc. You get the picture). Anyway, for the past two and a half years or so, she's been fine as far as I know, but around June/July time, she relapsed and went back to the clinic, where she's been until about a week ago.

I feel so sickened with myself for even thinking this, never mind admitting it to you all, but the first thing I noticed when she came back was that she'd gained (well obviously, or she wouldn't be back). But aside from realising the obvious, I actually found myself preferring what she looked like before she went back to the clinic. I haven't actually voiced this aloud to anyone because if alarm bells aren't ringing already, they certainly would be then.

Another thing about this girl. In English today, one of my friends looked over at her and said to me, "Don't you feel sorry for her? I mean, don't you think it's really terrible and sad what's happened to her?". My reply was my honest opinion - I said no. I don't feel sorry for her, because I know that while anorexia has certainly brought me down to some of the lowest points in my entire life, there's still that part of me that welcomes it with open arms. It's part of who I am now, it helps me cope, and at the minute I think the end will justify the means.

I also don't think what's happened to her is 'sad and terrible'. I mean, yes, it's not exactly pleasant that she's gone through this - the self-loathing and the depression and whatnot - but I think it's wrong to say that someone with an ED is constantly unhappy. People seem to neglect the idea that we still feel happy, but we just get joy from different things, i.e. "normal" people get joy from eating, people with EDs get joy from finding their bones protrude a little more, so on and so forth.

Moving on to a slightly different topic (but still related): every morning I go up to my cousin's house to get the bus with her to school. She was part of the friendship group I left around January time, so already we didn't talk nearly as much as we used to. But since September-ish (when I started this blog, and my ED basically came in full-swing), we barely talk at all. Like today, I haven't spoken a word to her. Literally, not even hello. It sounds awful, but it's true all the same. At the bus stop, every so often she'd get a really aggravated look on her face, sigh and huff really loudly, and glance at me out of the corner of her eye. It might not even be me she's annoyed at, but even if it is, I don't care. This hit me this morning:

I do not care.

Before, I would be really bothered if she confronted me about us not talking anymore, but now I'm just not. Some of my lessons in school, I can tell my marks are slipping a bit, but I can't find it in me to be even slightly worried. My reasoning is that I have more important things on my mind; that is how important this ED is to me right now. Wow that sounds sick and twisted and wrong, but that is my main priority right now.

I almost hate to say it, but it's the truth: the recovered girl at school has acted as a huge trigger for me. Whenever I get a desire to eat, I think to myself, 'She wouldn't eat this. She didn't get that skinny by eating', and it's a lot easier to walk away from food. Speaking of which, I haven't eaten since Sunday! I last weighed last night and I was back down to 127.0 from 128.4, and I'm not going to weigh again until Saturday night/Sunday morning. Then it's the party Sunday night, so as of last night, I have to lose 7 lbs.

Thanks to this blog here and the latest post, I am following these rules on food to make sure I don't stray:

1. It has to be free.
2. It has to be offered.
3. I have to be hungry, i.e. on the verge of fainting.
4. I have to love it. (But as of about now, I hate any and all food. Ha.)

Wish me luck!

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Bones are beautiful; my drug of choice.

Post title taken from 'Starving for Attention' by Geri Karlstrom.

OK, I ate Wednesday night. Nothing Thursday, nothing Friday. Nothing until about midday today. My excuse is that I stood up and honestly thought I was going to faint; I started sweating (not a lot, but a light sheen of sweat on my forehead), my limbs were shaking like mad, and I actually couldn't see for about fifteen seconds. It was such a horrible feeling! I've never fainted before, and this is definitely the closest I've ever come. So, I felt I had to eat so that I didn't faint in front of my mam. That would have been beyond terrible.

I didn't count calories today, I would have gotten depressed and probably self harmed again. I'm actually trying to stop that, but sometimes it feels like that's all I can do. Anyway, despite eating a "normal" amount today, I weighed about 127lbs, so although I obviously gained, it wasn't all that much (thank god!). I'm not changing my CW to that because I'm going to see how much of it disappears overnight and then I'll change it to whatever I weigh in the morning. If it's higher than 127 tomorrow I'll cry, just like I did Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night. I totally lost it each of those nights and I just broke down over and over. But moving on to a happier topic!

I took a photo tonight (post-eating trauma) of me wearing my Mrs. Clause costume for the fancy dress party on the 13th, but before I add it to the post, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank my texting partner Rachel (CreativeEatsYou) for supporting me and being a great person to talk to! She's so nice and it's such a relief to finally be able to talk freely about my ED with someone who understands. Anyway, here's the picture:

I also posted this on my Facebook, and the first person to comment was posting things like, "Wow, how skinny are you?!", "Your waist is tiny!" and, "Your legs are like twigs!". Umm, no. Just no. I do not believe any of those statements. I am not skinny. My waist is not tiny. My legs are monstrously large. I hope to have changed all of these things by Christmas. Here's hoping I'm down to 115 by then!

Oh, I asked my mam if I could make the 53cal-a-slice chocolate angel cake that Rachel posted on her blog for Christmas, and she said yes! My reasoning was that I never eat Christmas pudding (totally true, I think it's disgusting), and she was totally OK with it. I've worked out a plan for Christmas Day, and there are four variations to it according to what amount of certain foods I put on my plate. The highest calorie amount any of these variations reach is 725, which I think is a fantastic number for Christmas Day, considering the average amount for Christmas Day is around 6000 (6000?! What?!?!). The lowest amount is about 575, which is going to be my aim. If anyone would like a copy of either the cake recipe or my Christmas plans, please comment this post and I'll post download links to the documents in my next post :)

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Protruding hips, and skull & spine.

Post title taken from 'My Silent Undoing' by Queen Adreena.

So I got my size 8 jeans, and I can get them on, all fastened up and everything. And I still hate myself in them; I think I look absolutely dreadful and I think they're tight (my mam said they looked fine. Forgive me for not believing you, mam). By Christmas Day, I don't want them to be as baggy as my current 10s, but I want them to be comfortably loose (I don't want them like my current 10s because it will draw too much unwanted attention). 125lbs isn't going to be enough to manage that unfortunately.

I know that because this morning I weighed in at 126.8lbs. I actually felt like crying with joy that I've left the 30s behind. I'm going to weigh again tomorrow morning to check further progress after today too. The lightheadedness when I stand up/walk has returned full swing, the hunger I ignore anyway is subsiding and there is a noticeable gap between my thighs - they still touch at the very top though, much to my annoyance. I can also clearly see my top rib, my collarbones are a lot more pronounced, and my hip bones are jutting. All this means that my fasting is working, and working well.

Unfortunately, I'm finding it almost impossible to fast at the weekends because my mam has definitely noticed I've lost weight. I mean, she'd have to be almost blind to not notice that jeans that fit snugly a few weeks ago are now totally drowning me. So today I tried to play the 'I don't feel well' card, but she responded with, 'Have you had anything to eat?'. ARGH, why do people always assume that's why I feel sick? The whole point of me saying I don't feel well is to avoid eating, so I'm not going to eat to rectify my made-up problem. I said no, and she gave me a look I can't really describe (but it wasn't good), so today I've had:

- 2 tortillas (236)
- 1 cup of Slim-A-Soup (55)
Total: 291.

I feel so horrible and guilty for that. I shouldn't have eaten the second tortilla, I know. Damn my weakness. I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tackle tomorrow right now. I know I can avoid breakfast because my mam'll be at church (I don't go, I'm not religious at all) and I can make it look like I had cereal. I might be able to skip lunch by saying I'm not hungry. If I stay in my room all/most of the day, I can occasionally come downstairs and take something up to make it seem like I'm eating it. Yeah, I'll just do that.

I also got invited to a fancy dress party for a girl's birthday from my school. I'm not joking when I say that anyone who's anyone is going to be there, most of whom will be there looking gorgeous in tiny little outfits that show off how skinny they are. I already have my costume; I'm going as Mrs. Clause because all my friends said it would be great and nobody else would be that original. The party's on the 13th at a bar in town, and I so badly want to be 115lbs by then. I'm not going to be negative by saying I doubt I can do it, I'm going to stay positive and tell myself I can do it. If I keep up this rate of losing, I'll be 120 at the very least by then.

Plus, if I don't make it to 115 by the 13th, that is my goal for the 19th, when I'm going to a family Christmas party. I get the feeling my stick thin cousin from the Halloween party will be there again, and although I don't talk to her, I want her to notice how much thinner I am since the Halloween party. If she's not there, at least I won't get all depressed that I'm not as skinny as her.

I'm working on my plan for Christmas, and thanks to CreativeEatsYou for posting an extremely low cal, low fat recipe for angel cake that I'm hoping to use. I'll update on this when I get everything more figured out.

Thanks to new followers, and those who comment. I don't know where I'd be without you :)

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

The day I chose not to eat.

Post title taken from 'Courage' by Superchick.

CreativeEatsYou: I know it's hard to fast without raising suspicions at home, as you'll see from the beginning of this post. But I've managed it before for over two solid weeks, and I'm determined to do it again :)
Thanks for your support! I hope you stay strong too!
--

I'm in a strange place today mood-wise. First, it turned out I couldn't fast this weekend because my mam seemed to take particular interest in my eating habits on both Saturday and Sunday. Ugh, it's times like that I wish she'd leave me alone. But other than that, I didn't eat yesterday, haven't eaten today, and don't plan on eating until about the 18th, which is the day I break up from school for the Christmas holidays.

Unfortunately, my friends want to have a sleepover that night where we'd exchange our secret Santa presents. The problem with this is that our sleepovers generally consist of pizza and alcohol. Lots of alcohol. And what does pizza and alcohol equal? Calories - lots of the damn buggers. I think I can pass on the pizza by telling the usual lie of "I ate before I left the house", but I can't really escape the drinking. The drink we usually get is vodka, but sometimes we get white rum and stuff too, so I'm going to need to read up on their calorie content and plan ahead what I can allow myself. I can't handle not controlling my intake, hence why my mam making me eat stuff when I don't know the calories really pisses me off.

I'm not weighing again until this weekend, because I find I'm more tempted to eat when the numbers go down, because I think, "Hey, I'm losing, eating this won't wreck it". This is wrong (for me, anyway). It's wrong because it starts at about 150cals, which, sure, wouldn't do much harm. But then, I keep going. Then I hate myself when I've gained like, half a pound. So for the past two days I've been drinking water, orange juice and Pepsi, so the only calories I've been taking in are those in the orange juice. That is stopping as of now. And no more Pepsi, as it doesn't help fasting. Waterwaterwater. I'll get flavoured if I must, just anything to get me to stop drinking stupid caffeinated crap.

On the plus side, I'm currently wearing my size 10 jeans (US size 8), and they feel so wonderfully loose compared to the last time I wore them. My legs still look horrendously fat in them, but they feel great. I asked my mam for some new jeans and asked for a size smaller than what I'm wearing (UK size 8/US size 6); that's great because I haven't worn size 8 jeans in years. She looked at me and said, "What size are they?" So I told her and she just said OK. I don't doubt that when I get the new jeans, they'll be a bit tight ('cause I'm so FAT), but I won't rest until I fit into them nicely and I'm not disgusted with the way I look in them. I want to wear them on Christmas Day, and I will. I will weigh at least 125lbs by then. I have a month and a day.

I'm not at that stage where my limbs shake when I walk, or walking up the stairs makes my thighs tingle, or I lose sight for a few seconds when I stand up, but I've come to realise how much I miss those feelings. Feeling those things meant I was getting somewhere, achieving something and I can't wait to get that back. But I'm back to feeling cold all the time, and my fingernails are actually purple a lot of the time. One of my friends pointed it out today, and I just read it could be a sign of several things, some of which are also signs of anorexia. I hope nobody else makes the connection or I'm busted.

I carved again since my last post; I carved 'Ana' into my thigh this time. Go on, tell me I'm fucked up, tell me I'm crazy, mad, out of my mind. 'Cause you wanna know something? I damn well already know. Reading over this post, I've realised my head's at an all new level of screwed up. I don't know how you all can read this blog; surely none of you lovely skinnies are as crazy as me.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Got to see this through.

Post title taken from 'Wires' by Athlete.

Can someone please explain to me why I mess up all the time? Because I just don't know why. Never mind the previous threat of reaching four days, the second day is now my downfall. UGH, and I was so happy with myself when I resisted that stupid lolly on Thursday.

I'm not going to eat today, or tomorrow, or for at least another two weeks after that. 17 days is my minimum fasting time, and I'm going to try for 21 days. 21 would mean I'd break my fast on Saturday the 12th, and then I'd go back to strict restricting of under 200cals a day. I'm still trying to work out how to cope with the Christmas holidays, and at the minute I'm panicking. I've tried to drop so many hints about how I don't want sweets or chocolate, and I've asked basically everyone to just give me money instead, so that I can buy loads of tiny-sized clothes when I get skinny. I suppose I'll just deal with it as it comes.

Anyway, despite my fuck-up session last night, I'm not in the worst of moods today because I got my new scales last night - and my mam doesn't know a thing. I couldn't bear to weigh last night, for obvious reasons, but when I weighed this morning I was 132.2, which is my previous LW! That means I've still managed to lose 0.7lbs since the last time I weighed, and I'm still closing in on the 120s.

Speaking of the 120s, if you looked at my goals chart, you'd see that I added another GW of 123.6, and that's because that is the exact weight I need to be to get my BMI under 20 (123.6 means it'd be 19.9). At the minute it's 21.3, which I know is a healthy normal weight, but I still look in the mirror and hate myself. From now on, I live by this rule:

"Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels."

Media exam yesterday went pretty OK surprisingly, I'm doing the second half of it on Monday since it was a 3hr paper split into two sessions. This week is going to be absolute hell exam-wise because I have everything I'm not looking forward to. Oh joy.

Anyone who'd like to join me on my fast is welcome to, although I totally understand if 21 days is a bit much for you; I'm just trying to be really hard on myself to actually get somewhere I'm not ashamed of. So feel free to join but for a shorter amount of time, and maybe we could compare progress? Let me know :)

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Drumstick; updated!

UPDATE! 18:41pm.

CreativeEatsYou: Thank you for your encouraging comments! I resisted, and gave the lolly to one of my friends. It made me feel so strong, and you were totally right, I have the power to say no, and that's exactly what I plan on doing from now on :)

Ugh, the desire to eat tonight is irritating me. It's not even tempting, it's like the feeling of being slightly hungry is just there. Just there to annoy me. So, just to annoy it, I will ignore it. Hah, take that.

My exam today was awful - 1hr45min History paper on Medicine through Time. I came out of the exam room feeling like I was about to cry. Safe to say I failed that one, I think. Thankfully the English Literature paper yesterday went really well, I think I did OK. I like English, it lets me escape.

Wow, that was cringy. Oh well. I'm so all over the place today; maybe that's why this update is full of tiny sentences, haha. I have a Media Studies exam tomorrow, and I'm so unprepared it's unreal. It probably didn't help that that's the lesson I was in when I posted this original post. Heh, oops.

:)
---

11:11am.
Extremely quick post today everyone, ‘cause I’m in school and therefore am not supposed to be doing this during my lesson. I just felt the need to express my panic.

My teacher’s being really nice and gave everyone out lollies. I got a drumstick lolly out of the box to not be suspicious, but now I’m seriously debating on whether or not to eat it. I looked to see how many calories it has, but I can’t find a constant answer anywhere – it ranged from about 22 to 135 (???). I want so badly to not eat it because then I’ll have wrecked my fast pretty much before it even started. But wow, I love those lollies.

I’m going to try and be strong, I just needed to get that out. I’ve put it in my pocket for now, and then I will forget about it and give it to a friend or something. I will not eat it.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

503.

I want to say I cut again last night, but what I'm doing technically isn't cutting. It's basically what I said in my last post - carving into my skin with the pin of a brooch. But yeah, whatever you call it, I did it again. And the really fucked up part? Not only did it not hurt, it sort of felt good. In a really twisted, are-you-crazy kinda way. I'm telling myself I'm not gonna do it again tonight, but I had a horrendous mock exam today, broke my fast (ARGH), and I got my period yesterday.

Yeah, mock exams are taking over my life until the end of next week, and then I'm free from the stress of exams until May. And I'm promising myself that I will be my UGW by then. Unfortunately, dropping from about 130lbs to 95lbs in about six months is going to attract attention. Probably too much, and probably from all the people I don't want to notice. Or rather, I want them to notice and say how skinny I am, but I don't want them to know how I do it. Hah, fat chance.

Anyway, my T.O.M.'s making me feel like shit - and awfully bloated too - and for that reason I'm not weighing myself until either it stops, or Sunday morning. Whichever comes first.

I've eaten rice today. Just rice, plain rice. 368cals, and I might have a bread bun since I've already ruined today. That would bring my total for today up to 503.

Yes, 503. I can live with that. New fast starting tomorrow, and this time I am going to surpass my personal best of 16 days - I'll make sure of it.

Also, what do all you lovely skinnies think of my new layout? I deliberately went on the red category to remind myself of why I blog to all who care to read/comment/etc. I'm still uncertain about the one I chose though, I can't help but wonder if it's a bit much?

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Problem is, Sophie's lying.

Title taken from 'Sophie' by Eleanor McEvoy.

Ana days like today are the days I love. The days where I can take bread buns and Oreo's and crisps up to my room and look at them, feeling no desire to eat them whatsoever. I can stash them away under my bed - that's my trick, that's why my mam thinks I'm eating - without a second thought, and it feels bloody fantastic.

For me, the feeling of emptiness, coupled with the feeling of self-control and willpower, is one of the headiest feelings I can get. Not to mention, I recently found a few more songs that really help to inspire me, even though more than half of them are completely unrelated to ana and eating disorders in general. Since I know how hard it can be to find songs that inspire you, I thought I'd post a copy of my ana playlist for you to try out. Some songs are a bit hard to get, so if you listen and like it, comment or something and I can help you out.

1. Do What You Have To Do; Sarah McLachlan
2. Lie In The Sound; Trespassers William
3. Breathe Me*; Sia
4. My Silent Undoing*; Queen Adreena
5. Sophie*; Eleanor McEvoy
6. Nobody*; Amy Studt
7. She's Falling Apart; Lisa Loeb
8. So Damn Beautiful; Polaroid
9. Fragile*; Delta Goodrem
10. Courage; Superchick
11. Beauty From Pain; Superchick
12. Beautiful Lie; 30 Seconds To Mars
13. Going, Going, Gone; Stars
14. Ugly; The Smashing Pumpkins
15. Square One; Coldplay
16. A Perfect Lie; The Engine Room
17. Lost Along The Way; John Nordstrom
18. Feed Me; Juliana Hatfield
19. What's Good For Me; Lucy Woodward
20. Starving For Attention; Geri Karlstrom
21. The Way She Feels; Between The Trees
22. Utopia; Within Temptation ft. Chris Jones
23. My Skin; Natalie Merchant
24. Cut; Plumb
25. With Light There Is Hope; Princess One Point Five

Songs with *'s beside them show what inspire me the most. I find 'Breathe Me' to be particularly helpful, and it's probably my favourite song on this list.

I realise if you listen to these, most of them you'll be wondering what I was even thinking putting them in my playlist, but this is just what helps me. Take from it what you will. If anything in particular inspires you, leave a comment, I'd love to hear your thoughts :)

Also, a couple towards the end don't actually relate to ana, even for me. I threw them on my list about a week ago, when I'd had an extremely bad day. I grabbed the nearest brooch and proceeded to - what I can only describe as - carve into my thighs, at the very top so my school skirt covered the marks during the day. The first time I'd ever experienced self-injury, and not the last, either. Did it a few more times since then, and I did it again last night, after another particularly bad day. I swear, my head's getting more and more fucked up by the day.

Speaking of which.
I was reading *strawberry//shortcake*'s blog yesterday, and she mentioned online depression tests. I've been wondering a lot about whether I'm depressed lately, so I thought I'd give it a go to see whether my suspicions were right.

Moderate/severe depression was listed as a score of 36-45. I got 35. So technically my result was mild/moderate depression, but I was bordering on moderate/severe so much I might as well have moved in with it.

I went on the website's quizzes section to see what other things they tested for, and decided to do the test on Bipolar, the Eating Attitudes test, and the 'Do You Need Therapy?' test.

Bipolar: Bipolar disorder likely (26-35). I got 33.
Therapy: Psychotherapy likely beneficial (20-42). I got 37.

Eating Attitudes: Eating Disorder Likely/High Risk (24 and up). I got 45.

That last one was hardly surprising because I pretty much knew it would tell me I had one, but I was slightly taken aback by just how high my score actually was. I just wish I'd known about that site before this ED started taking over my life, just to compare results between then and now; I think it would have been interesting.

On a much lighter note, I'm going Christmas shopping for my mam on Friday night with my friend, and I'm getting my scales and some rather lovely lip balm then too. My excuse is my mam asked me to pick up the scales that she reserved. I'm such a liar. If my friend gets on my case about not eating or anything, I'll allow myself a fruit frappuccino from Starbucks, which I checked on their official website to be 157cals for a tall. Way more than I'd like, but hopefully I can avoid it altogether.

How long was that post? :P

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

5"6 - 'cause I'm dumb.

Hahahaha, I'm such an idiot. I converted my height from centimeters to feet a while ago and got the result 5"5. I told a couple of my friends the other day 'cause we were talking about it, and they both assured me that I was taller than that because one of them knew she was definitely 5"5 and I'm taller than her without a doubt. So, I went back to my trusty phone converter to check I was doing everything right.

I don't know how it works in other places, but in the UK we use centimeters and metres instead of feet and inches, so I had no idea before earlier today how many inches were in a foot. When I'd been converting my height, I was putting in 168.4cm and getting back 5.52ft. Because I'm such a dunce, I took that to mean 5"5. Of course, now I know there are 6 inches in a foot, and therefore 5 1/2ft is 5"6. I'm so stupid.

Anyway. My mother unknowingly succeeded in pissing me right off last night. Last weekend, I managed to steal my grandma's scales while I was home alone - my grandparents being away with my mam and brother. I was very pleased with myself because I assumed I'd be able to keep them for longer so I could track my progress for Competition to Lose. But no, my mam went and moved the scales, my grandma saw, took them back, and now I have no scales, no way to see how quickly the numbers are dropping (or not, as my luck would probably have it). I'm going to try and find a way to go to my grandma's tomorrow to use the scales, but if I can't do so without arousing suspicion, I have a back-up weight to post to CtL;

Yes, I was weak. A couple of hours after my post yesterday, I caved and weighed myself: 60.3kg, or 132.9lbs. I'm so thrilled, I'm closing in on escaping the 130s, and I've also re-achieved my GW1. This time, I'm not going to let binging (is that spelled right?) episodes ruin my progress. I'm feeling very motivated lately, apart from briefly earlier today when I was craving carbs; tortillas, toast, rice, etc. Ugh. Thankfully, I didn't eat any, yay willpower!

Right, organisation time:
-I'm saving up £18 to buy a new scale in secret that I can hide in my room. Mam needn't know a thing. I hope to have it ASAP, preferably within 1-2 weeks.
-When I hit 125lbs, I'm going to reward myself with some nice underwear. It's a long time since I bought any and my drawer needs restocking.
-If I'm feeling desperately weak tonight when my mam asks if I want any dinner, I'll offer to share some long grain rice with her - that way, my calorie count will only be 202*. If I do, I have to do 50 extra crunches & 25 extra reverse crunches to help work it off.

* - I realise for half a packet of rice that's not exactly good, but it'd be my whole intake for today, and that's pretty darn good.

Sorry for the pretty jumbled post, it's just testament as to how much more fucked up my mind's gotten recently. Don't be surprised that you don't know what I'm talking about, I haven't mentioned it in any other posts; I'll probably explain that sometime in the future, but not today. I'm in too much of a good mood today.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Thinspo.

I know I said I'd post on Sunday with my weight, but obviously I didn't. In all honesty, I don't even remember why I didn't. You may have noticed that I changed my CW to 135.1 though, which is what my weight was Sunday morning. I haven't weighed since then, but I've started getting light-headed when I stand up and when I go upstairs again, so I'm taking that as a sign that fasting is once again doing its job.

Also, I come bearing thinspo for all you beautiful skinny girls out there who follow and read my blog, and who basically keep me going. Although I would like to see more comments - hint, hint - your silent support does still help a lot.


Thinking thin,
xoxo.

136.6

I knew I'd put on weight. Thankfully, it's nowhere near as much as I thought I had, but still, I did and I'm ashamed.

The fast failed. Miserably. I didn't eat anything else Wednesday, and I fasted through Thursday and most of Friday before it went horribly wrong.

Oh god. Friday.

That was one hell of a dark day. I got home in a bad mood to start with because a couple of my friends were driving me up the wall, and the first thing I did was walk into the kitchen. I ate. Oh boy, did I eat. Didn't count calories or anything; it was all just a haze. Anyway, when I walked out with a tortilla, I walked past my mam who was sitting on the sofa, and said, "I have a pizza in the oven 'cause I'm a pig. I'm a fat pig."

I thought I'd said the last sentence under my breath, but apparently not. I'd started walking out the door, but my voice cracked on the last word and my mam stood up in what I can only describe as horror, and called my name to get me to go back. I turned around and practically hurled myself onto her, sobbing. She asked me if anyone had said anything to make me think that way, and I said no. She told me (again) I had a lovely figure (even though I don't). I didn't have the heart to tell her how fat, horrible, disgusting and ugly I feel all the time because even if I did, she just wouldn't understand.

I think it's safe to say that is the lowest I have ever been at any point in my life. Ever. It was a complete meltdown, and it was only after that I realised what a terrible mistake I'd made. Now if I ever tell her I'm not hungry or something, I'm scared she's gonna catch on and discover ana, discover my blog, discover what I've been doing on and off this past month and a half. I'm so paranoid about her finding out, I've changed the password to my laptop and everything so she can't get on, and I lock it whenever I leave the room.

I've joined Competition to Lose now too. Well, I think I have; I commented the last post with my CW and I intend to weigh myself again next weekend and see how I do. I'm also gonna weigh again when I wake up tomorrow and see what my proper start weight is. I don't think the result I've just gotten really counts as such because I've eaten today, even when I know I shouldn't have.

New fast starts tomorrow. Hopefully my mood won't be terrible this week and I'll be able to stick to it this time. In fact no, that attitude's too negative. I will stick to it this week, I won't let friends or anything else deter me.

Oh, and I should have gotten my period almost two weeks ago, so either I'm very late, or I've skipped one. I think it's highly unlikely that they've stopped altogether, because I'm not skinny enough, and according to my BMI I'm not underweight either. Maybe it's just a one-time thing.

Anyway, it's late and I'm tired. I'll post sometime tomorrow - or I'll try to - with my morning weight.

Thinking thin,
xoxo.

374.

That is my calorie intake for today, and I will eat no more.

I know I've kind of been neglecting my blog and my commenting on other people's blogs, but I'm gonna try and get back into the swing of things ASAP. Halloween wasn't that bad surprisingly. I absolutely detested what I looked like so no pictures of me were taken, but other than that it wasn't a bad night even food-wise.

Although there was this girl there - I think she's my cousin - and I swear, she was just so skinny I wanted to cry - I actually almost did. I turned and said to my mam, "She has succeeded in making me feel very fat". My mam told me I was stupid and I had a lovely figure - uh-huh, yeah right - and then promptly told my grandma what I said. She told me that this other girl was 'too skinny' and that I'm beautiful the way I am. Errr, I am not. She probably just said that because she's been worried about me developing an eating disorder for about a year now.

I'm sorry that I think 'too skinny' is beautiful.
I'm sorry that nothing you say will change my mind.
I'm sorry that I'm doing what I can to get there.
And I'm sorry that it's not my goddamn choice.

New fast starting tomorrow; zero calories is my target, but if I have calories it will most likely be orange juice. No solid food until further notice. I'm home alone all this weekend so that will make it easier, and also means I have an opportunity to weigh myself for the first time in over a month - I'm totally dreading it, I wouldn't be surprised if I'm back up to 143. I'll post with the results sometime this weekend, and I think I'm going to join Competition to Lose to help motivate me.

I'd also just like to say thanks to everyone who comments and follows my blog, you are appreciated :)

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Go empty yourself right now.

I ate. My punishment? I'm not going to the gig thing in town Wednesday night, nor am I going to a different gig thing on Friday night. I'm even contemplating passing on the Halloween party because I'm going to look like such a fat mess that I'd rather it be said I have no social life instead of allowing people to see how badly I've screwed up. Yes, it is that bad.

Girls of the UK, I'm now begging for a texting partner - I need HELP. Like, mega serious kick-up-my-obese-arse help. I'm not strong enough - I can't do this on my own anymore, I need someone to talk to about this. I can't tell family because they'd be disappointed (I hate that), and my friends have already been through helping one friend out with an eating disorder (before I was properly friends with them, this was like three years ago) and I don't want to be the one who puts them through that again.

I fully realise that eating disorders affect friends and family just as much as the person with the ED, and I don't want a sympathetic, "It'll be alright, you'll get through this". I want to talk about this with someone who has the full understanding of my frame of mind, who gets that eating without a care is simply not possible for me anymore.

Please let me know if you're interested. I'm off to purge now.

I feel so lost.
xoxo.

Starting Over.

I'm such a fucking disaster. I'm just the walking epitome of fat fuck-up. The past few days have been hell, they really have. So bad I'm not even going into it other than telling you all - with so much shame and regret it hurts - that I ate relatively "normally" for the past few days, and I'm fairly certain all my progress has been reversed.

Tomorrow will be a fresh start; I will not eat.
I will be skinny; I will not eat.
I am starting over, because I am fat and therefore I will NOT eat.

Sickened with myself,
xoxo.

Ugh.

Today was the definition of fuck-up. I've been moody all day, and I went to this open evening at the college I think I'm starting at next September, but it decided to rain as I was walking home so I looked like a bloody drowned rat when I got in. Mood just deteriorated even more then.

The open evening itself was good, I got home all happy because I know pretty much exactly what I wanna do college-wise now.

And that's when today went even more downhill. My fast was meant to finish tomorrow, but I ate when I got home - a horrifying amount too. (Well, by mine and Ana's standards anyway). Far far far too much. Purged most or all of it, I'm not sure, but I brought back up what looked like a lot. I feel disgusting, fat, horrible...

The list just goes on.

No exercise DVD tonight because my mam's being an ass, but in a bit I'm gonna do 100 normal crunches and 100 reverse crunches in an attempt to make myself feel better, as well as various other things like leg raises which tone your inner thighs - there will be gaps in between my thighs eventually, I'm determined. My ribs and hip bones will stick out and my calves will be the width of my lower arms.

I will be skinny.

I'm going out to this club thing - like a gig - on the 28th and I really hope to be 125 by then, if I'm not already (haven't had an opportunity to weigh myself since the day I found I was 132). If I haven't reached it by then, I really must have reached it by the 31st for the Halloween party I'm going to. I don't want there to be any indication of even a slightly protruding stomach in my dress.

If I could take back tonight and do it all over again, I would, and I would not eat a thing.

Feeling down but thinking thin,
xoxo.

Little Red Bracelets.

Nyx: That was the exact reply I had in my head at that comment, but of course saying it would have made alarm bells ring and so I kept my mouth shut. Don't worry, I'm staying strong :)

BarelyAliveAna: I just finished it tonight (I read it really quickly), and I agree; there are quite a few good tips in there I've picked up that I can use, which will hopefully make all this a little easier and more subtle :)

--

My legs feel heavy and they protest when I walk up the stairs. I'm forgetting what warmth feels like. Friends ask me what I'm going to eat when I get home and I lie and say I'll eat something with tons of calories. Really I'll have less than 100 calories of orange juice and tell my mam I feel sick from all the sweets I didn't eat when I was at the cinema. My mam sits and eats pizza and offers me some.

I want to tell her there are 140 calories in every slice she eats. She will get fat and her thighs and stomach will jiggle. She tells me it's OK to have a treat every once in a while; I know she's wrong, and I stare at the pizza in disgust, wondering how I ever managed to eat stuff like that. She offers me chips. There are 202 calories in every 100g. I wonder if I'll ever eat chips again.

I was the only one who didn't eat in the cinema. The other six girls stuffed themselves with hot dogs, chocolate, popcorn and jelly sweets - thinking of all the calories and the fat content makes me nauseous. I felt good because I wasn't weak, I wasn't putting on weight while we watched the film. My friend complained she's pear-shaped. I felt aggresive; I wanted to yell that it's because she eats so damn much and it's all crap. But that would have made me feel bad because I know I'm still a shameful size, weight and shape and snapping that her body is all her fault could have lost me a friend. I was silent instead, but the anger bubbled for a long while because I knew what I was thinking was right.

I am a hypocrite. I hate myself. I now wear three red bead bracelets everyday, my way of silently letting the world know even though they neither notice nor care. I'm committing myself further.
It feels great.

Depressing/angsty post today. I tried a different style, and this is because I have Wintergirls on the brain since I just finished it tonight. Go read it, it's brilliant.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Wintergirls.

BarelyAliveAna: Thank you so much hun, I appreciate the support. And thanks for mentioning me in your blog too, it made me feel less alone, and that has really helped me :)

Yum: I know exactly what you mean; I'm actually a little alarmed at how quickly this has taken over me - and so strongly too! But trust me, I'm dealing with it really well and I'm miles away from even thinking about taking the first steps to recovery (if I ever do) - I haven't lost nearly enough weight yet. So I'll be sticking around a (long) while longer :)


Oh boy, cravings got bad today. I'm not actually hungry, and I have no desire to eat - because I know what the hideous side effects will be - but walking home after I got off the bus tonight, I walked past this group of buildings where there are all kinds of things, car repairs, fireplace stores, pizza delivery and whatnot. Anyway, as I was walking past, I smelled chinese food, and holy shit I love chinese food. Thankfully, I was strong and resisted every urge I got to ask for some. I haven't eaten anything today - zero calories means happier me.

Weight came up in one of my lessons today too. In clothes, I'm generally a size 8 - US size 4, I believe, correct me if I'm wrong - and I found this absolutely stunning black dress I wanted to get for the Halloween party I'm going to - I'd accessorize and do make-up and claim I was a black cat - but I was gutted when I saw they only did size 12/14. My friend made me feel like utter crap cause she decided to turn around and tell me that's what size she was - honestly, she does not look like it though.

Then, very same lesson with the same friend, I can't even remember what I was saying, but I remember her replying with, "You're not dieting are you? You'd better not be starving yourself". I had the audacity to brush it off with a laugh and say, "No, of course not" as I took a drink of my water. I swear, I could be an actress one day if everyone keeps believing all my lies. She went on to say, "You know, you get fat if you skip breakfast". Ha. That one nearly made me laugh.

I started reading "Wintergirls" by Laurie Halse Anderson tonight; it's about a girl with anorexia whose friend just died from bulimia. It's providing me with a lot of thinspo because of how skinny the main character keeps getting, so that's really good. I also really like it so far because it's quite good proof that trying to shock people into recovery too soon just doesn't work, because despite what happened to her friend, she continues with her anorexia, and at the point I'm upto, she's at about 94lbs.

I was almost shocked at one point because one of her methods was identical to something I did shortly after I started; she dabs ketchup at the corners of her mouth to make it look like she'd eaten. I did the same thing with cake and the icing sugar on top. Mam was fooled.

Cinema tomorrow night with some friends to see Heath Ledger's last film - loved him. We're shopping beforehand since we're going straight from school and it doesn't start till about five. Hopefully my mam, brother and grandparents will be away this weekend so I can get away with not eating more easily. (Don't worry, I am old enough to be left alone.) That also means I can use the scales with no raised eyebrows. And I need to measure my waist, hips and bust to see what size I'd need in my replacement dress since I'm tired of different shops having different sizing guides. It really pisses me off. If I'm not completely ashamed with the results I get, I'll post them on here.

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.

Let me be empty and weightless.

I've accepted it, because I can't actually deny it anymore; I have an eating disorder.

Some of you reading may be thinking, 'Well, yeah...you just noticed?', but when I started out, I was simply pro-ana and fasting. Now I'm completely cutting out all solid food until further notice. I purge everything I actually do eat. And, I've joined BarelyAliveAna on a water fast until the 21st.

Anyway, I think it properly dawned on me last night. I purged orange juice, and I realised losing weight is so important to me that I can't bear anything with calories. Everyday's just another lie. Just tonight, I walked out of the kitchen with a bag of Quavers, a KitKat Chunky and two bread buns. My mam looked at it all and said, "Nice diet. You won't lose weight this way though". I just flashed her a cheesy grin and said, "I know, I just can't help myself". I almost felt like saying, "Yeah, that's what you think".

I'm amazed she still hasn't clicked I haven't been eating anything she thinks I have. I think the last time I ate something solid was Sunday before last - the 4th. Even then, I purged that too. It's one big cycle: I don't eat, and when I do, it doesn't stay there for long so there's really no point. I'll get some tortillas and a normal KitKat later so she doesn't get suspicious.

My post title is taken from the song "Angel" by Sarah McLachlan. It's actually about drug overdoses, but listening to some of the lyrics really makes me think of Ana. It's a beautiful song, I really recommend listening to it.

I realise this was a pretty different post to what I usually write, but I felt I needed to express some of how I was feeling at the minute, although I'm not entirely sure how I feel. Nothing's actually changed, and yet it feels like something huge has just happened. Maybe this is all just my way of accepting it.

But don't worry followers, if anything I'm only more spurred on to do my total best at this, and continue to lose as much weight as I can. I think it'll be a long time before my pro-ana attitude turns pro-recovery (for me anyway, don't let me stop you!), so you haven't lost me!

Staying strong, thinking thin,
xoxo.